The Importance of “Fair Fighting Rules” in a Relationship

Relationships – whether with family, friends, or colleagues – can be a tricky thing. While they are sources of blessing, sometimes they can also become sources of pain and regret as well, especially when one’s ego is bruised because of a careless word or action. People are different, with almost everyone hoping to get their way. Many times this can lead to disagreements about minor things that can snowball into something bigger if both parties do not know how to handle the argument well. Though it is never good to seek a fight, establishing some “fair fighting rules” in a relationship can spell the difference between staying strong or breaking up.

Fair Fighting Rules for Relationships

1. Consider first the source of irritation

Many unnecessary confrontations begin because of something outside of the relationship. A hectic day at the office, an inconsiderate comment by a classmate, or a rude driver on the highway can start emotions broiling.

By the time one gets home (or to school/work if something happened prior to getting there), the person’s tolerance level is at a low-point already, causing them to quickly snap at the slightest irritation. Unfortunately, this incident can snowball into something bigger.

An important key to “fighting fair” is to first consider the source of irritation. If this is understood, it can put things into perspective so that negative emotions are not brought into the situation which is truly unfair to one’s family, friends, colleagues, or neighbors.

So how can this be achieved? One ought to take some deep breaths and reflect upon what has caused this irritation. Once this has been discovered, it is necessary to calm down by going to a place of peace wherever you may be (one’s “happy place” at home, school, or work).

It also helps to have refreshments (one’s “happy food”) or first do a fun activity to calm down. When the emotions have settled, the person can better deal with the new problems they may encounter with their loved ones.

2. Tackle issues one at a time

Oftentimes, especially with close loved ones, an argument ensues about something small and ends up about something major, ruining whatever they were supposed to do in the first place. Many times this occurs because of unexpressed issues that one party decides to bring up at an inopportune time.

Relationships are never perfect as everyone has flaws; however, bringing up such issues at the wrong time just creates more headaches. Issues should be tackled one at a time so that things can be resolved quickly and objectively.

This naturally requires a lot of self-control as it can be very tempting to bring past issues up in the heat of the moment. But if one is aware of the delays that will occur if both parties stray from the problem at hand, then self-constraint becomes easier.

Nevertheless, this does not mean that unresolved issues should be disregarded. If the concern warrants discussion, the person should create a list (so that they are not forgotten) and request for a particular time when these can be discussed, one at a time, in a neutral area.

3. Verbally express yourself and be responsible

While non-verbal signals (e.g. tone, body language) are part of communication, they can make things doubly hard when discussing important issues. In many romantic relationships, for example, partners may expect their significant other to already pick up on these signals, assuming that their loved one should already “know” what they are feeling. But instead of helping the situation, it can make things very difficult, especially when the wrong message is construed.

So rather than raising one’s voice, frowning, or slamming something; it is better to say, “I’m angry at what you did” or “I’m disappointed in you.” This makes the situation easier to understand so that the other person can respond appropriately, allowing the situation to be resolved rather than stalled because of miscommunication.

Additionally, using the word “I” in one’s expressions allows the person to take responsibility for their emotions without the need to blame someone or something else. In this way, the other party may also understand the reasons behind the feelings.

For example, if one’s teenager comes home later than usual without informing anybody where they are, it can be sorely tempting to yell at them and issue a punishment. However, if an “I” statement is used, such as “I am concerned about your safety at night, especially when you do not update me. Please inform me about whereabouts for your sake and mine;” then this lessens the emotional intensity while still communicating the importance of the situation.

4. Keep things civil

In any confrontation, things usually go awry when degrading language is used, talking becomes shouting, or things become personal. Though it is understandable that one may be frustrated or angry, upsetting words or actions will just cause the other person to go on the defensive and skirt the issue at hand. Thus, keeping one’s cool and asking the right questions is better than yelling, “You moron! How could you forget again?”

Moreover, ensure that the argument does not become personal as that leads to more discussion (similar to just tackling one issue at a time). So if someone was late to the movie, keep the discussion to that – how it becomes a waste of money and time to always miss the start of the show. Do not delve into personal attacks such as laziness, being inconsiderate, or misplaced priorities.

Keeping things civil also includes allowing one another to talk. Some people always want to share their side, disregarding the other. Obviously, tempers will rise as the incident moves from a discussion to a one-sided dressing-down. One must be respectful enough to hear the other’s side as many useless conflicts stem from a simple misunderstanding.

Civility also extends to continuing to talk. Instead of sharing their side, some decide to keep their mouth shut to end the argument (stonewalling). Though this can work in superficial relationships, like dealing with an inconsiderate neighbor, stonewalling can badly affect the important relationships as emotions are bottled up inside. This often leads to resentment which may cause a breakup or more future fights.

5. Use timeouts to calm down

Despite trying to keep one’s cool, chances are that the argument may still escalate to something very uncomfortable with one or both parties yelling or insulting one another. At such a time, rather than continuing with meaningless tirades, it is best to utilize a timeout.

Timeouts, however, do not mean that the discussion has ended. Both parties are simply asked to step back for a moment, gather their thoughts, and calm down; so that the conversation may continue civilly. If not, things will never be resolved.

When used for the first time, it is necessary to discuss the ground rules for the timeout so that the other person is aware of what is happening. Explaining the timeout and setting a time limit is usually enough for the other party to understand.

For example, when things are getting out of hand, one can say, “Things are getting too personal. Let’s take a 5-minute breather to calm down and gather our thoughts so we can stay focused on the issue.”

6. Attempt to understand one another and compromise, if you can

Attempting to understand the other person does not mean giving in. Sometimes there are situations when there is no middle ground. However, one can try to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling which will at least allow both parties to know that there is still respect for one another. But in many instances, such understanding is what is needed for a solution to form, especially when one party realizes their error.

Nonetheless, if there is a middle ground, seeking a compromise is often best, provided that personal, moral, and legal boundaries are kept. One should not take things personally if things do not always go their way. One ought to weigh the stakes and see if that middle ground is better than an all-out war.

Seek Christian Counseling if Fights are not Fair

The abovementioned steps are really important in helping keep arguments from going beyond control. If they can be mastered, chances are that family and social bonds can remain strong.

Unfortunately, some relationships may be nearing their breaking point due to years of unfair fighting. In such a case, professional therapy may be necessary. However, instead of opting for a secular therapist, it is best to seek Christian counseling.

In Christian counseling, the latest therapeutic techniques will be applied to get the people involved to discuss things in a neutral environment. In such a setting, both parties may be able to safely share their side which may lead to understanding and an agreement. Moreover, they will be taught how to “fight fairly” so that future arguments can be settled more peacefully.

But most importantly, the faith-based counselor will introduce those involved to the love of God through prayer, meditation on Scripture, and discussion of His Word. If God can become the focal point of both their relationship and their individual lives, then it will become easier to resolve future issues as they will come to see things through God’s perspective.

Fighting unfairly can really lead to very unhappy endings. If you or a friend is facing relationship difficulties due to unfair fights, seek help soon.