Codependency

Codependency is not a diagnosable mental health condition. The characteristics of codependency vary widely from relationships and situations.

Codependent relationships appear lopsided or one-sided and dysfunctional. One partner in the relationship neglects their own needs for the emotional and psychological needs of their partner. Those characteristics would help to define codependency.

Defining codependency is difficult because theorists have varying ideas and perspectives, which are some of the following:

• The response of a person who is in a relationship with someone who is chemically dependent, addicted, or in a dysfunctional family
• A personality disorder
• A learned behavioral response passed down from observing modeling of such behavior of other family members
• A pattern of dependency in the need of approval from others in order to feel a sense of security, identity, or self-worth

The need or compulsion to rescue or care take others, essentially making oneself responsible for the happiness of others

The common threads in all of the following theories are giving, loving, controlling, and caring for the wrong reasons. Codependency can be found when an individual is trying to avoid being rejected therefore, they seek to please, care, give, or love to be loved and valued themselves.

Codependency is not a black and white issue. Often there is a gray area of codependency that patterns alongside healthy behaviors or patterns. However, codependency behavior can become progressive and if support is lacking and treatment not attained the relationship can suffer.

Codependency is not just isolated to romantic relationships. Families, friendships, workplace relationships, church affiliations, and other relationship can be codependent. In any relationship that is created during a lifespan, there is a potential for one-sidedness or codependency.

As stated previously the characteristics of codependency are vast. The following checklist shows indications of imbalance that would demonstrate a lopsided relationship with the potential for codependency. Set aside time to go through the list and note the statements that are found in encounters with those you care about.

• You tend to worry and obsess about the person or relationship.
• You tend to tiptoe around him/her/them out of fear of what they may say, feel, do or how they may act or respond.
• You tend to have a difficult time being completely honest, direct, or loving when communicating with the other person.
• You tend to feel the need to just give in/up in order to keep the peace between the two of you in the relationship.
• You tend to feel responsible to make things right for the other person when things go wrong in their life.
• You tend to be the one in the relationship that goes the extra mile in the relationship though it is not often reciprocated.
• In order to resolve conflicts, you must be the one to first apologize or admit you are wrong.
• You tend to use favors, threats, persuasion, or bargains in order to get the other person “to do what is best for them.”
• You tend to have the need for approval and recognition and become hurt when your efforts are not recognized.
• You tend to excessively focus on the needs of others to the extent that you neglect your own.
• You tend to feel guilty when resting, yourself
• You lack trust in yourself and/or others
• You have low self-esteem
• You fear to be alone or abandoned
• You have difficulty in identifying feelings or emotions
• You struggle or have difficulty with intimacy and boundaries
• You experience difficulty in making decisions

Generally, most people can have related to one or two of the items listed above, but if you found yourself relating to most of the items, this could be an indication that you are prone to being in a codependent or one-sided relationship.

Not every person struggles with codependency.Early life experiences will vary from person to person and the same codependent behaviors may not present in each relationship.

Codependency can occur when a person is insecure in themselves and then demonstrates the inability to love and care for others in a healthy relationship. Because they are unable to love themselves it’s not unreasonable for them to have difficulty with healthy relationships.

“Love your neighbor as yourself,” may have a different perspective when their loved is fashioned after unhealthy encounters and behaviors. They idealize love in the manner that they would want to receive it, wholeheartedly and all-consuming.

Self-love has a great impact on codependency. Unresolved issues of self-love affect the interactions with the ones they care about. Often a great deal of healing needs to take place. Individuals may have losses and traumatic events that may have taken place in their pasts.

Codependency is not a spontaneous behavior that appears in adulthood. The behaviors often result from early childhood experiences, issues in early family life that have gone without being acknowledged until sometime in adulthood. Investigating experiences in childhood can offer insight into behaviors that are associated with codependency.

There are several factors that can play a role in developing codependent behaviors: genetics, unmet needs, attachment styles, modeled boundaries, experiencing grief or loss, fearfulness, feeling insecure, emotional wounds, shame, and holding secrets.

These factors help to shape and model the person we become. Our personalities, habits, and our ability to related to others bloom from those experiences. Even with negative circumstances comes a positive light. In those moments of weakness, we also learn how to be resilient, courageous, and strong. We can make the choice to learn from our past experiences and grow and move forward.

When we have an emotional wound or a need that is not met, this is the time that we ask Jesus to help us heal. With Jesus, we can find hope and healing.

Healthy Love Model

Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.” When God designed relationships, he wanted them to be balanced. He wanted us to give, love, care for each other equally, as well to strengthen and challenge each other.

One person in a relationship should not provide for all the needs of the other person. It is not healthy for one person to show all the love, affection, and care. This does not allow the person being served to be sharpened instead it allows the relationship to be weakened.

Scripture challenges us to find balance; it does not promote unhealthy relationships. The Scriptures guide us to show mercy and to forgive (1 Peter 4:8);to hold one another accountable (Matthew 18:15); to give graciously (Romans 12:20); to show wisdom in withholding and hindering someone’s growth (2 Thessalonians 3:10); not to keep score (1 Corinthians 13:5);and to show honesty with love (Ephesians 4:15).

The Bible demonstrates for us what a healthy relationship is to be. A balanced relationship has shared responsibility, acceptance, and sacrifice. There is also mutual giving and receiving, love, accountability,and commitment.

What now?

Don’t let yourself fall into a spiral! It is so easy to panic or have anxiety when you find that you have unhealthy patterns. But be reassured that once you have acknowledged the unhealthy patterns you have gained important perspective. Here are some gentle reminders for you as you begin to assess and work towards healthier patterns of loving:

Don’t deny or push aside the truth. Acknowledge what you have seen in your relationships. Honesty is important.

Keep loving. This is not a black and white issue. Not all the love you have been showing is wrong or bad. Sort out which are healthy patterns, and which are not healthy and start letting go of the bad.

No blaming. Uncovering the underlying issues is difficult but placing blame on your self or others does not change the past and does not help you build healthy habits.

You first! Making changes in an established relationship is not easy. Make the change on your timeline,not on the other person’s. Make your healing your own. You are not responsible for the change of others. Changing the dynamics of a relationship is a difficult task that takes time.

Be gentle and kind to yourself. Healing is not easy and can be frightening and intimidating since it can make you feel vulnerable. In this time, we find growth and acceptance. During this time, we can also find setbacks, this is all part of the healing process and you will be stronger for having gone through it.

Treatment

A Christian counselor will help you assess what areas of life you may be experiencing codependent patterns, which is a very important step towards finding balance in your relationships. Counselors offer professional and objective perspective to help and assist as you start to examine and change unhealthy ways you may interact in relationships.

Together we look at your past relationships from childhood to the present. We discover whether your patterns are modeled from your past and what experiences may have contributed to unhealthy behavioral patterns. Most importantly you will implement new and healthy behaviors to take the place of the old patterns.

There is a new sense of love, freedom, and security when you find balance. If you desire a more balanced life and can identify areas that you want to change, I encourage you to find a counselor that you feel comfortable with and begin to heal and enjoy relational health.