7 Signs of Gaslighting in Friendships

The term “gaslighting” refers to psychological manipulation that causes one person to feel they cannot be expressive, to doubt their thoughts, and to even question their perception of reality. It is a technique used in romantic relationships, abusive relationships, and sometimes, even friendships.

Signs of gaslighting in friendships

How do you know if you are experiencing gaslighting with a friend? Look for signs in your state of mental health. Here are seven signs of gaslighting in friendships:

Refusal to admit when they are wrong

Your friend has never confessed to wrongdoing or admitted guilt when you addressed a shortcoming. Even something simple like meeting at a restaurant and your friend is 15 minutes late can be an issue if your friend doesn’t recognize she is late.

You may address it if it happens repeatedly by saying something like, “I feel disrespected when you are late to one of our planned get-togethers. It makes me feel like I am not important enough to you to try and be on time.” If your friend denies being late – ever – she may be gaslighting you.

You start to feel like you can’t give your real opinion

Perhaps it’s a friend you grew up with, and in childhood, she was the stronger, more outspoken personality. But as you’ve grown and matured, you are not as shy about stating your opinions. However, you are made to feel like your opinion is bad, wrong, or even as though you aren’t worthy of having an opinion at all.

Choosing an activity to do together may bring out your friend’s gaslighting behavior. When you let her know that you’d prefer not to meet up for a movie because you’re trying to budget better, she may cause you to question your choices.

“Do you really think a little movie is going to impact your budget that much?”

“Why do you think I eat peanut butter and jelly every day for lunch? It’s so that I can go out and have fun with my friends. Aren’t I a friend that you want to go to the movies with? Don’t you care about me?”

Narcissistic reframing

When you try to leave early because you and your husband made plans to catch a late-night movie, your friend may cause you to doubt his intentions – toward you and about her. She might cause you to question your own perceptions of him: “Does he really dictate how you spend your time? Don’t you think you should live your own life and make your own choices?”

Or she may simply make your decision to leave early about her. She may insist that you must be tired of hearing her complain about her husband, so you – of course – want to run back to your house and your husband. It becomes about her, not about a pre-ordered decision you made that had nothing to do with her.

Frequent lying

If you find yourself not trusting what your friend tells you, it could be for good reason. Lying and dishonesty go hand in hand with gaslighting. People who try to use manipulation to get what they want can have a hard time telling the truth – to themselves and others.

When a friend lies to you and then refuses to come clean about it, you can start to wonder if you’re the one in the wrong. “Maybe I’ve misperceived something,” you might think. However, doubting yourself doesn’t serve you or the friendship. Acknowledging that her behavior is wrong is a step toward getting help.

You start to worry that you’re just too sensitive

When a friend has this repeated kind of behavior, she may go to great lengths to cover it up with what she perceives as humor. But if her humor is at your expense, it isn’t harmless. True friendship doesn’t involve hurtful teasing, mocking, or bullying.

You assume others are disappointed in you

If you have been friends with someone for a while – someone who regularly engages in manipulation – it impacts much more than you realize. It impacts your self-perception, your ability to know what is true and what is false, and even your relationships with others.

When your friend has caused you to feel like you are letting her down one too many times, you may start to view all the relationships in your life through the same lens. Assuming that everyone sees you the way that she does is not a safe assumption.

You start to dislike who you have become

Taking stock of who you were before this friend came into your life can be a helpful way to recognize her controlling behavior accurately. If you look back and see that you were happier, more assertive, and more confident before you met her, it could be that because of her friendship, you have allowed yourself to believe lies about who you are.

This can have vast repercussions for your self-esteem. If you feel that one of your friendships could be one in which gaslighting takes place, asking a trusted counselor for your next best step is a wise response. A trained counselor can give you outside perspective – healthy viewpoints – that are hard to see when you’ve been manipulated repeatedly.