How to Pursue Forgiveness in Marriage

Forgiveness in marriage is one of the hardest yet best things you can do for your spouse. It needs to be done over and over again, usually every day, to strengthen your marriage. Forgiveness is essential if you don’t want the past to be a burden and you want the future to be free from resentment. It may just be the silver bullet you’ve been looking for to set your marriage apart from the crowd.

Why should we pursue forgiveness in marriage?

Forgiveness in marriage is essential because you have made a lifelong promise of commitment to your spouse. All of us are sinful by nature, so conflicts and disagreements are inevitable. Misunderstandings about each other can pile up day after day and month after month, which could lead to bigger problems. If you do not forgive, bitterness can take root and be difficult to overcome.

Marriages change dramatically over time. You will have different jobs and live in different places over the years. If you have children, they will eventually grow up and move out. Your friendships will evolve, and your circles of influence will fluctuate. But your marriage partner is with you every day, year after year.

This is the reason forgiveness matters so much in your marriage. You can’t take a break from each other the same way you can take a break from others in different relationships, such as extended family, for example. Forgiveness allows you to keep your commitment to your spouse while preventing problems from festering. Forgiveness can be difficult, but it is necessary to have a healthy marriage.

Forgiveness God’s way

People often think that to forgive means to forget. They also think that if you forgive someone you have to immediately trust them again. However, the Bible tells us God never asks us to forget the hurts that were committed against us, nor does he ask us to immediately trust again. We need time to process the hurts that we must forgive, and God understands this.

God wants you to forgive your spouse, no matter how egregious their sin is against you. When you forgive your spouse, you give up your right to avenge the wrongs committed against you. The process of forgiveness involves surrendering your hurt to God, and repeatedly trusting him to handle the situation with justice according to His perfect timing and wisdom.

Forgiveness also does not preclude setting boundaries against destructive behavior. For severe sins like abuse, addiction, and infidelity, you must have boundaries to protect yourself from further harm. A qualified Christian counselor can provide insight on how boundaries and forgiveness work together to rebuild your marriage.

Bible teachings on forgiveness

The Bible teaches us about forgiveness in marriage. God will help us forgive our spouses even when we feel angry or hurt. He will grant you a healthy perspective on what has gone wrong if you choose to seek his will through his word. God wants you to experience the freedom that is possible when you choose to forgive your spouse.

Jesus teaches us that we must forgive in the model prayer. We are to say:

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. – Matthew 6:12, NIV

No matter how large or small the sin is that your spouse committed against you, they incur a debt toward you when they sin against you. The act of forgiveness is like canceling that debt and never expecting your spouse to pay it back. Instead, you trust that God will settle all accounts according to his perfect justice.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. – Matthew 6:15, NIV

Jesus warns us about withholding forgiveness from our spouses. If you forgive your spouse, God promises to forgive you. Knowing this can remind you to treat your spouse the way that you would like to be treated. Then you will have a clear conscience before God.

Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. – Luke 23:34, NIV

When Jesus spoke these words, he was being nailed to the cross. This is our ultimate example of forgiveness. If Jesus could forgive this horrible sin when he had done nothing wrong, we can most surely forgive lesser sins that our spouses commit against us.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” – Matthew 18:21-22, NIV

Married couples can gain much from this passage of Scripture. We must forgive each other many times over during all the seasons of our marriage. Resist the temptation to keep track of the sins your spouse has committed against you. Instead, you can try to keep a streak going of forgiving your spouse day after day.

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord. – Romans 12:19, NIV

Someday God will set all things right, even the worst parts of your marriage. This does not mean that the Father is going to somehow discipline or punish your spouse, but He may certainly cause them to feel a sense of remorse or shame that could cause them to make drastic changes in the way they relate to you.

God is the one who can keep grace and justice in perfect balance regarding your marriage. You must trust God to avenge rather than taking it into your own hands, or you could create many more problems in your marriage.

How to forgive your spouse

Forgiveness in marriage is easy to explain, but often difficult to apply. How do you forgive the 100th time your spouse was impatient with you or didn’t pick up the mess they promised to clean up? Even harder, how do you forgive things like lying or cheating?

The truth is that you can’t do this in your own strength and power. God can help you fully release the debt that your spouse owes you when they have sinned against you. Left to ourselves, we will blame our spouses and become defensive because of our sinful natures. But when God helps us, we can find the maturity, strength, and courage to forgive from the heart.

If you want to be free from bitterness and resentment toward your spouse, forgiveness is the key. When you forgive your spouse, you will be less tempted to speak ill of your spouse to others. You will experience freedom and greater peace when unforgiveness no longer holds power over you.

When you meditate on scriptures about forgiveness like the ones listed here, you’ll have verses ready to help you when the temptation to withhold forgiveness strikes. In the heat of the moment, these scriptures will remind you to choose forgiveness from the start, then talk out the problem with your spouse or work with a trusted Christian counselor.

Discipline yourself to forgive your spouse as soon as you are offended and ask God to bring one of these verses to mind, helping you stay on track. As you practice, you’ll be able to release offenses faster and easier than before.

It’s important to remember that you will face resistance when you start a new path of forgiving your spouse. The devil would like nothing more than to drown you in bitterness and resentment. Not only will the devil attempt to increase distance and division in your marriage, but family and friends may not always offer the most helpful and godly advice. But God will strengthen you to make wise choices as you seek his will in the Bible, and this will strengthen your faith.

Christian counseling for forgiveness in marriage

Forgiveness is not easy for anyone. You may not feel strong enough to forgive your spouse if you have faced severe marriage difficulties. In such cases, a Christian counselor may be of help.

In meetings with a counselor, you will be able to unpack your hurts, grieve your losses, and forgive from a heart that has received God’s grace. Your counselor offers a valuable third-party perspective on the hurts that you have suffered, giving you the validation and affirmation you need to move forward.

Forgiveness may be the best gift you ever give to yourself and your spouse. It will strengthen your marriage for the years ahead. A Christian counselor can help you choose this path with wisdom and strength. Contact our offices today to learn how Christian counseling for forgiveness in marriage can help you.