Getting to the Root of Resentment in Relationships

It’s inevitable that in every relationship there’ll be some friction at one point or another. Our lives, desires, expectations, and circumstances rarely mesh neatly with those of others into seamless harmony. Far more often than we’d like, we make errors of judgment, our best intentions don’t pan out, our words fail us, or we act and speak thoughtlessly, and all this can resentment in relationships, even the best ones.

Relationships are meant to be places where we flourish, can be vulnerable to others, and find support and encouragement in a complicated and often challenging world, but they don’t always work out that way. This is part of the human condition, but there are ways available to us to deal with these difficulties.

Resentment is an all-too-common reality within relationships. And it’s not as though people set out to feel resentment toward others. Being resentful takes energy and traps you in pain. To talk about resentment though, it may be helpful to know how to define and identify it.

Resentment is a complex emotion that’s a combination of anger, disappointment, disgust, displeasure, and ill-will. The results of resentment in a relationship are typically that the relationship suffers and deteriorates. Resentment is like a cloud hanging over the relationship, coloring everything the other person does.

How do you know if you’re experiencing resentment toward someone? We’ll delve into some of the causes of resentment in a little while, but if you find yourself experiencing or feeling recurring negative feelings toward people or situations that have hurt you, it may point to resentment. These negative emotions may include frustration, anger, hostility, bitterness, or a sense of unease toward a particular person.

You may find yourself feeling disappointment or remorse, and you may not be able to stop thinking about the event or situation that prompted those feelings. If you find yourself avoiding the person, feeling invisible or inadequate in their presence, or shriveling up inside when the person is mentioned in conversation, that may point to resentment being present.

What causes resentment in relationships?

Relationships are fraught with opportunities for hurting others and getting hurt. The unfortunate part is that the hurt we experience, or cause is often not deliberate or malicious, but that doesn’t necessarily make it hurt less.

Pain is pain, and resentment can set in when issues in a relationship don’t get addressed in an open, respectful manner. Resentment can flow from a general sense of being treated unfairly, and that sense stems from various situations, but below are a few that are common enough in daily life in our relationships:

• • Being blamed for or accused of something you didn’t do
  • Unmet expectations or disappointed expectations
  • Unjust treatment or not being heard when you express your needs and concerns
  • Being hurt and then not being apologized to, or the other person failing to recognize or even acknowledge the impact of their actions
  • Boundaries being violated (repeatedly)
  • One person being treated better for no reason, or not being kept accountable (e.g., a sibling that gets preferential treatment from a parent, and they aren’t held to the same standards as others – they “get away with everything”).
  • Feeling put down or undermined

We all make mistakes, with both our words and our actions. Our words can be destructive. One challenging passage of Scripture warns us about the power of our words.

Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. We can make a large horse go wherever we want by means of a small bit in its mouth. And a small rudder makes a huge ship turn wherever the pilot chooses to go, even though the winds are strong.

In the same way, the tongue is a small thing that makes grand speeches. But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And among all the parts of the body, the tongue is a flame of fire. It is a whole world of wickedness, corrupting your entire body. It can set your whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself. People can tame all kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and fish, but no one can tame the tongue.

It is restless and evil, full of deadly poison. Sometimes it praises our Lord and Father, and sometimes it curses those who have been made in the image of God. And so blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth. Surely, my brothers and sisters, this is not right! Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring. – James 3:2-12

Thank the Lord that though we can wound with our words, we can also use our words to heal and bless! We need wisdom to understand how relationships and people work, and we need wisdom to know how to address situations when things go awry. How we use our words coupled with our actions can help us overcome resentment in our relationships.

Nipping resentment in the bud

Resentment can set in after one incident, or it can take time for the layers of hurt to settle like sediment and harden into resentment. One can never tell ahead of time if this or that action may spawn resentment, so below are a few strategies to deal with resentment before it sets in, and a few pointers for what to do once it does.

Cultivate freedom in the relationship to express hurt. We all get hurt in one way or another in our relationships. But we need mechanisms to express that hurt without further isolation or feeling like you’re messing with the vibe. It should never be taboo in the relationship to bring up issues for discussion. Instead of bottling up your pain and letting it dictate how you relate to the person who hurt you, express yourself.

Create a culture of accountability, where you can call one another out. In any relationship, there should be accountability, even if there’s a difference in authority such as with parents and their children, or bosses and their employees – we can all sin, and we should all be open to rebuke.

Resentment builds when people get called out, but they can’t call out the bad behavior they witness. In addition to accountability, it’s also important to keep short accounts so that resentment doesn’t take root. Don’t let things fester for days, weeks, months, or years before you bring them up for discussion.

Learn to apologize when you hurt someone. With the recognition that we all sin should be the accompanying recognition that we need to make amends for those mistakes. It takes humility to acknowledge your mistakes and apologize for them. A good apology not only exercises empathy to understand the other person’s perspective, but it includes active steps to do better next time. A heartfelt apology can help deal with hurt feelings before they ossify into resentment.

Forgiveness matters. Just as being able to apologize is an immense help to address resentment, for the person that’s feeling hurt, being able to forgive is a powerful tool. Forgiveness isn’t dependent on the behavior of the person who hurt you, and so you can work to release yourself from the negative emotions associated with resentment by forgiving them.

Using empathy and considering how we’ve been forgiven much by the Lord; we can take steps to forgive the person who’s hurt us. Forgiveness allows you to draw out the poison of resentment from your own heart.

Create space for yourself to process your emotions and exercise compassion toward yourself. When you feel a certain way because of the unfair or ill-treatment you’ve received at someone else’s hands, you can internalize that and feel negatively toward yourself. Exercise grace toward yourself and give yourself room to work through things.

Closing

Resentment can seriously undermine relationships, so if your relationships are marred by it, take active steps to loosen its hold. Through the guidance of someone like a trained therapist, you can work through your feelings of resentment, cultivate the tools to nip resentment in the bud, and grow in compassion toward yourself. Freedom from resentment opens us up to joy, and it helps our relationships to flourish.