Domestic Abuse: What is it and What Does it Look Like?

People are sometimes confused as to what constitutes domestic abuse. Is it strictly physical in nature? If so, does it have to leave a mark to be considered abuse? What about frequency? Would a single incident meet criterion for domestic abuse or does it have to reach a certain number to qualify?

In addition to our bodies, it’s also possible for our emotions to get battered around. Would that be considered domestic abuse, too? This article will attempt to answer these types of questions as well as give you examples.

First things first. Domestic abuse is wrong. Don’t let anyone ever tell you or convince you that domestic abuse is okay, acceptable, or not a big deal. Even though we live in a society where truth is more and more considered to be up to each individual and even though more and more issues are being thrown into the grey area when considering right versus wrong, the fact remains that there is such a thing as objective right and wrong. And domestic abuse is wrong.

So, what is the definition of domestic abuse? According to the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, domestic abuse (also called domestic violence, intimate partner violence, and relationship abuse) is “a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.”

Domestic abuse can occur in any demographic. In other words, it is not restrictive when it comes to socioeconomic backgrounds, education levels, race, age, etc. You can just as easily find domestic abuse in the swanky neighborhoods of Beverly Hills, CA as you would on the impoverished “side of the tracks” of Anywhere, USA.

Domestic abuse certainly includes behaviors that physically harm a person. The obvious behaviors are kicking, punching, choking, pulling hair, slapping, and biting. Sometimes these behaviors will leave a visible mark such as swelling or a bruise or will result in injury such as a broken bone.

But don’t let the absence of those things be a criterion for automatically disqualifying your partner as an abuser. Hair pulling may not leave visible results and not every slap or punch will leave a bruise or mark. Remember, the definition of domestic abuse does not include a statement about what can be seen with the naked eye.

Domestic abuse does include the category of emotional abuse, as well. The types of things that fall under this category are far and wide. They can range from fear tactics to intimidation to berating and putting down. Again, the intent of the abuser is to maintain power and control over their partner.

Threats are a common form of emotional abuse. The person being threatened can easily feel backed into a corner with no other choice than to comply with the threat. For example, “If you don’t have sex with me whenever I want it you can just forget about me watching the kids while you take your mom to dialysis. I don’t have time for you if you don’t have time for me” or “Don’t think that I won’t make your life miserable if you leave me.” Emotional abuse can lead to anxiety, trauma, or depression for the one being abused.

An abusive person can also use isolation to maintain power and control over his/her partner. This can be seen in the form of controlling where the partner goes, what the partner does, how much time the partner can spend outside the home or with others, and even what the partner is allowed to read. Jealousy is often the reason given to justify the abuser’s actions.

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

The following are some other signs of an abusive relationship. When one of the partners:

• Tells the other person they can never do anything right
• Controls every cent that is spent in the couple’s household
• Prevents the other person from making his/her own decisions
• Prevents the other person from working or going to school
• Pressures the other person to use drugs or alcohol
• Destroys the other person’s property
• Looks at the other person or acts in a way that scares him/her

Signs of a Healthy Relationship

In contrast to the unhealthy behaviors found in an abusive relationship, some of the things you will find in a healthy relationship are:

• Safe communication – feeling free to express yourself without negative repercussions
• Trust
• Boundaries – each person is aware of and respectful of each other’s personal boundaries
• Mutual respect – considering the other person to have value and having regard and consideration for their rights

No relationship will be perfect. As much as we would like that, we are all human with flaws and weaknesses. And we bring our humanity into our relationships. Nevertheless, domestic abuse should not be condoned. For some, however, the idea of leaving may be scary due to the fear that’s been instilled and the threats the abusive partner has made.

If that’s the case for you, it is important to reach out for help and support. The National Domestic Hotline can help you develop a safety plan and can give you phone numbers for various resources. At the time of writing this article, their telephone number is 1 (800) 799-SAFE.

In addition, WomensLaw.org has legal information and resources for each individual state. A professional counselor is also an option for helping you manage your emotions, see your situation through clear lenses, and make healthy decisions. Additionally, after a person has removed his or herself from an abusive relationship, a counselor can be a vital help for the healing that typically needs to take place.

If you are realizing that you are the recipient of domestic abuse, the following words are especially for you. Your life is valuable. Your well-being matters. May you absorb those words and may they be your guide.