When Should I Consider Grief Counseling?

Grief. It’s a word we hear used in a variety of different contexts. For instance, “I try to mail my bills early to avoid unnecessary grief.” “You broke your big toe? Good grief!” “My chemistry class caused me so much grief this semester!”

We all get it when we hear the word used in these contexts: major aggravation. The word grief, however, takes on a whole new meaning when we experience it in respect to the loss of a loved one.

Although grief is a very normal response to the sting of death, it tends to feel anything but normal when we’re in the midst of it. The experience can be so painful and the impact so destabilizing, we can feel as if we’re going haywire.

Because of that, grief can also be confusing—particularly when being experienced for the first time. This article will address what normal grief looks like and then speak to how grief counseling can help a person move through the grieving process.

What is Grief?

Grief, sometimes referred to as mourning, can involve any of the following behaviors and/or responses:

• Numbness – this usually occurs early in the grieving process. It most likely takes place because there are so many feelings to deal with. To let all of them into consciousness at one time would be overwhelming. Numbness can serve as a form of protection.
• Sleep disturbance
• Appetite disturbance – this can take the form of over-eating or under-eating, although under-eating is more common.
• Anger
• Poor memory and absent-minded behavior
• Social withdrawal – this includes not only withdrawal from people, but a loss of interest in the outside world.
• Restlessness
• Dreams of the deceased
• Avoiding reminders of the deceased
• Sighing
• Physical sensations – these can range from hollowness in the stomach, tightness in the chest, weakness in the muscles, dry mouth, lack of energy, and a sense of depersonalization.

Why Get Grief Counseling?

The question then becomes, Why even consider the option of grief counseling, given that grief is a normal fact of life? Why not just deal with it and let it run its course?

First, not everyone automatically moves through the grieving process smoothly and successfully. Our own individual capacities and prior history can affect how well we deal with the loss of a loved one.

Some people are emotionally stronger to begin with and they have that advantage when experiencing a loss. Some people may have had things occur in their upbringing which impacts their ability to move through the grief process. If either of these are the case, outside professional help may be needed.

Second, sometimes a person’s healthy grieving is hindered by well-meaning friends and family. Despite their good intentions, their benevolent attempts end up interfering with the survivor moving through the steps that are necessary for healing.

Be it the result of these friends and family not understanding what normal grief looks like, their own discomfort witnessing the survivor’s grief, or failure to appreciate that the duration of grief varies from individual to individual, their words and actions throw a monkey wrench into the recovery process.

An example of how this might get played out is when a son or daughter pushes their surviving parent to get past his or her grief more quickly than is realistic—saying something to the effect of, “Come on, Mom! Dad (the deceased) wouldn’t want you to be mourning this long.”

Yet another way friends or family members can interfere with the normal grieving process is by misinterpreting the survivor’s tears, believing that “too much crying” is only making the survivor feel worse.

As opposed to allowing the survivor to experience a healthy flow of tears, they might say, “Pull yourself together! Your tears aren’t helping!” or “Dad wouldn’t like seeing you mope around like this.” When the survivor’s environment is not conducive to appropriate grieving, a counselor may be indicated.

In addition, a counselor may be helpful when the bereavement has become “complicated.” In other words, if grief goes on for too long or the symptoms of it exacerbate, the survivor may have crossed over into a Major Depressive Episode. A grief counselor can help the survivor differentiate if he or she is experiencing major depression versus uncomplicated grief and can provide treatment regardless of which condition is present.

How Will a Counselor Help With Grief?

There are certain tasks the survivor needs to accomplish in order to recover from the loss of their loved one. When the survivor is either having difficulty accomplishing these tasks on his own or outside interference is impeding their accomplishment, a counselor can provide the help that is needed.

Acceptance One of the first tasks a counselor can help the survivor with is the task of acceptance—accepting that their loved one is truly gone. Because the pain of loss can hurt so deeply, denial can unconsciously creep up as a refuge from the pain. Nevertheless, acceptance that the loved one is gone should be pursued. It’s a vital key to experiencing recovery.

Acceptance for the survivor needs to take place on both an intellectual and emotional level. In other words, both the mind and the heart need to realize that reunion with the deceased isn’t possible (at least in this life).

A counselor will gently help the survivor come to terms with this, actualizing the loss. This process will not only involve talking about the loss but talking about it from different angles. Where did it happen? What was the funeral like? How did your loved one die?

By continually going over the loss, the survivor is better able to come to terms with the reality of it. A counselor can be especially helpful in this regard as family members may not want to hear about the loss or have the opinion, “Why torture yourself talking about it?”

Experience

A second task for successfully moving through grief is experiencing the pain. None of us like to feel emotional pain, but if this task is avoided, there is significant risk for the pain manifesting later and being more difficult to resolve.

Pain that is pushed down and ignored has a way of festering, eventually rearing its ugly head. Marked by empathy, lack of judgment, and containment, a counselor will provide a safe place for the survivor to release his pain.

At the same time, the grief counselor can facilitate the identification of any other feelings the survivor may be carrying but has failed to recognize on his own due to the overarching pain he’s experiencing. Such undetected feelings can range from anger to guilt to fear and so on. A counselor can help work through those feelings and help to alleviate any shame the survivor might feel around having the feelings.

Living Well

A third task the survivor will need to address is living without the deceased. This task may be more difficult for some survivors than for others, particularly if the deceased person handled responsibilities or day-to-day business affairs that the survivor is not familiar with.

If that was the case, the survivor not only has the task of living without the deceased’s love, companionship, and emotional support, but the added task of figuring out how to take care of these new responsibilities.

For example, one spouse may have handled all the financial affairs in the marriage while the other spouse took no part in it. If that were the case, the survivor may be left in the lurch, not knowing how to pay the monthly bills or even determine what the working budget is.

And then there may be that individual who relied entirely on his partner to do the weekly grocery shopping and laundry. For that person, life could easily become overwhelming with the added responsibilities. A counselor can assist such survivors not only by helping them problem solve their new circumstances, but provide needed support in the adjustment period.

Identity

Along the lines of living without the deceased, the survivor faces the task of grappling with their sense of identity. The survivor’s sense of identity will need to transform to his or her new reality. If Tonya has taken great joy in being a mother to her daughter and this has been the primary focus of her world, Tonya’s identity will be shaken if she loses her daughter.

All the decisions, choices, and plans Tonya made concerning her daughter would no longer be necessary. This will require a transformation along the lines of identity. A counselor would be able to guide Tonya in “grappling” with her identity, ultimately assisting her in the process of bringing it to match her new reality.

Emotional Care

Yet another task the counselor can help the survivor with is emotionally withdraw from the deceased. This is an important task in that failing to detach from the deceased will keep the survivor from moving forward in life. Fullness of joy will be compromised, investing in new relationships will be thwarted, and pain will remain activated.

Failing to emotionally withdraw won’t evidence itself the same for everyone. For one person, the result of staying emotionally attached may result in leaving the deceased’s bedroom exactly as it was for years following the death. For someone else it might be talking on a daily basis to a photograph of their deceased loved one.

However, one of the most extreme examples of failing to emotionally withdraw from the deceased goes to Queen Victoria. According to many documented sources, for a number of years following her husband, Prince Albert’s death, the Queen had his clothes and shaving gear laid out daily as if they were going to be used by him.

More Ways Grief Counseling Can Help

As mentioned at the beginning of this article, the experience of grief can feel anything but normal. It can take on a life of its own. Because of this, some individuals may feel as if they are going “crazy” after a significant loss, experiencing feelings and sensations that they normally don’t.

A counselor can interpret what “normal” behavior is for the grieving person. What feels like “crazy” to the survivor, may be very appropriate to the grief process. A grief counselor being able to interpret what is normal can be very reassuring to the survivor. It can reduce some of their anxiety over what is being experienced.

Coping Styles

Although not a “task” for recovery, should a survivor decide to work with a counselor for grief and loss issues, an added benefit is the counselor’s ability to monitor for and assist with any maladaptive coping styles.

Unbeknownst to the survivor, ineffective ways of dealing with the pain of the loss may creep up. An obvious maladaptive coping style is turning to alcohol and drugs to self-medicate the pain.

As obvious as that is, though, there are other coping methods that can hinder the grief process which aren’t so obvious. A skilled counselor can be on the lookout for these unhealthy coping styles and support the survivor in replacing them with healthy ones.

Dictionary.com defines grief as the following: Keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. No matter how you define it, though, grief in relation to the loss of a loved one is one of the toughest life experiences we will ever go through—even in the best of circumstances.

There is no shame in reaching out to a counselor for support when going through the grieving process. As we saw in the body of this article, the process of grieving is not one dimensional. There are multiple tasks that need to be accomplished for recovery.

To put it another way, the grieving process can be arduous. Be kind to yourself if you realize that you are having a tough time going it alone. Consider reaching out to a grief counselor. We are here for you.