Addressing Insecurities in a Relationship

A healthy relationship creates space for the people in it to be themselves, to express who they are and what they think and feel without feeling fear that such disclosure will end the relationship. You know that you are loved, and you love your counterpart in ways that support their well-being.

However, in a relationship where insecurity rules, it may feel as though the relationship is built on shifting sands – the relationship doesn’t feel like it has a future. It may feel like your connection with one another is weak and getting weaker by the day, and you struggle to be yourselves because that kind of honesty just might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

An insecure relationship can stifle growth as well as one’s self-esteem. When you are insecure, you feel a certain sense that you are inadequate, or simply not enough as you are. This means that you find yourself feeling anxious, unsure of yourself, and quite likely living in a state of fear and concerned about what comes next. This feeling that you are not good enough in social or work situations flows from a lack of self-confidence, among other things.

Insecurity can cause any number of problems in a person’s life, not least which include the negative impact on your mental health as you become consumed by anxiety and fear. If you believe you are unworthy or undeserving of love, that will make it hard for you to trust yourself, your instincts, and your abilities, making relationships unbalanced.

A healthy relationship requires people that consider one another equals, but insecurity undermines that balance by making you preoccupied with how your partner can manage your feelings of insecurity by validating or reassuring you. This imbalance can make for an unhealthy relationship, and it can stifle healthy communication, too.

If you trust your partner and are confident in yourself, you can be honest with them. If you aren’t, that creates room for half-truths and masking your true self because you carry the fear that truthful communication of your needs and opinions will lead your partner to leave the relationship, and that is not a good foundation for any meaningful and healthy relationship.

Causes of relational insecurity

In a relationship, there may be several causes of insecurity, and most of them stem from the individual. While it is true that the actions of one or both partners can undermine confidence in the relationship or its future, many other insecurities don’t have anything to do with that relationship but have a history going much further back. Some of the causes of insecurity in a romantic relationship include:

Past betrayals by the person, or betrayals in other relationships whose effects have lingered

If your current romantic partner has had an affair, that can bring about feelings of insecurity. Additionally, it may be the case that infidelity occurred in your past relationships, and you’ve carried the scars from that into your present situation.

Self-esteem issues

Our self-esteem and confidence can take a hit as we go through situations in life. When you go through difficulties such as losing your job, gaining weight, or going through a severe illness that alters your appearance or a series of failures, that can damage your self-confidence and introduce insecurities into the relationship.

Losing the ability to provide financially for your family or undergoing experiences that alter your body and perception of it – all of these can contribute to self-esteem issues that lead to insecurities in a relationship.

Abandonment, neglect, and poor attachment

A person may experience low self-confidence which translates to insecurity in their relationships because they may not believe that they are worthy of the love or support of their partner. Childhood experiences of needing to earn love or being left nursing feelings of abandonment and loss can carry over into adulthood and negatively affect our relationships, whether we realize it or not.

If we experienced poor or insecure attachment as children, meaning that we may not have had secure or loving relationships with our parents or primary caregivers when we were younger, this makes it difficult to bond emotionally with other people in later life as adults.

Where a person goes through chronic experiences of neglect or mistreatment, they may develop insecurities in their relationships because they have had few occasions where their needs have been adequately met by the people in their lives.

Feeling an emotional disconnect

Typically, secure individuals may feel insecure in their relationship as a result of an emotional disconnect that forms after a conflict, or just because you haven’t spent meaningful time together. When you feel disconnected from your partner, insecurities can creep in.

Poor communication

If you’re not having quality time together, or if your communication with one another is not clear or expressive of your needs and desires, that too can cause a disconnect and a sense that you don’t or no longer know each other. When you aren’t in each other’s worlds, that can be a breeding ground for insecurity.

Fear of rejection

If you have low self-confidence, you might be more sensitive to rejection, and when that happens, even minor challenges or perceived slights can trigger one’s worst fears and insecurities.

Changes in the relationship that produce stress and new pressures

Every relationship will go through seasons – moving to a new home, starting a new job, experiencing loss of various kinds, or even joyful events such as welcoming a new addition to the family. These things bring a variety of pressures and stresses.

In these varied seasons, if you are not able to keep the lines of communication open, that can undermine your confidence in your ability to function well as a team, introducing insecurities into the relationship.

Signs of insecurities in a relationship

How can we discern when insecurities are at work in a relationship? Sometimes, a lack of confidence in the relationship is warranted, and feeling insecure is an appropriate reaction. If an affair has happened, for instance, not trusting the words of your wayward spouse is warranted.

However, some reactions stem from unhealthy self-perceptions with little bearing on the reality of the relationship itself and its health. Some signs of insecurities and unhelpful thoughts and behaviors that signal such insecurities include:

• Checking up on your partner when you’re not with them to make sure you know their whereabouts and the company they’re keeping
• Feeling attacked, criticized, and offended or hurt by the things your partner asks of you that are typical of most relationships. You react to this by either shutting down completely or defending yourself through arguing.
• Distrusting your partner and their ability to stay faithful to you and carrying a constant worry that they’re being unfaithful and cheating on you. You may not take them at their word and want to verify everything they may say to you.
• Being jealous and resentful of the other people in your partner’s life that they are close to
• No self-acceptance, with the struggle that comes with simply being yourself and considering that that is enough. You judge and hold yourself to an unreasonably high standard, and you don’t permit yourself to be yourself.
• You constantly carry the feeling that your partner may break up with you at any given time. You also become panicked quite easily, and during a conflict with your significant other, you may panic and think/feel that your partner will leave, reject, or judge you.
• You often fish for compliments, reassurance, and validation so that you can feel more secure and loved.

How to fix insecurity in your relationship

To address the insecurities in your relationship, it may help to know whether the insecurities are rooted in the relationship itself, or something rooted in you. That may come with greater self-understanding and discernment about your thoughts and behaviours. You can work on your insecurities by pursuing the following:

Identify your triggers

It may be that your insecurities are triggered by specific circumstances. Become more self-aware about these situations so that you can identify the areas to begin working on.

Build intimacy and schedule check-ins

Sometimes, insecurity comes about because of an emotional disconnect. Our lives can be busy, and before you know it, you’ve drifted from your loved one.

Create space to connect, listen to one another, and identify what the needs are in the relationship, as sometimes insecurity stems from unmet needs. Date night and being open to adventure together is a great way to reignite your passion and grow in what drew you together in the first place.

Promote transparency and accountability

In line with the above, it’s important to talk openly with your partner about your insecurities. That way, they can help you to be accountable, and by naming your insecurities, you can also hold yourself accountable.

Your partner may not even know about your insecurities or their triggers – if they know about it, they can do their part by not unnecessarily aggravating those insecurities while you do your part at working through them.

Rectify any problematic behavior

As pointed out above, sometimes insecurities are justifiably raised by problematic behaviors. In such situations, what is needed is repentance, forgiveness, and acceptance of one another. Don’t let the pain from past relationships or the pain from an earlier part of your current relationship prevent you from enjoying your relationship here and now.

Do some self-work (in those cases where the insecurities are something you need to deal with)

Build your self-esteem and confidence so that you recognize the value you possess as a human being made in God’s image. Learn to keep your emotions and thoughts in check, and don’t allow them to control you.

For example, anxieties over your partner speaking with people of the opposite sex can spiral into full-blown insecurities if you don’t maintain some perspective and allow them to run riot. Practicing mindfulness and journaling can help you keep track of your thoughts and challenge negative patterns of thought and behaviour when they pop up.

Consider therapy

Part of doing self-work is seeking help, as it may be overwhelming to do it by yourself if you don’t have the tools for it. A therapist can provide you with the tools you need to cope with your insecurity and to grow in your insight about yourself and your insecurities, as well as develop your capacity for more open communication. A therapist can provide a much-needed perspective that will help you grasp the dynamics of your insecurity and how best to overcome it.