Healthy Ways to Adjust to Life After Divorce

Life can take you on paths you never imagined traveling on. No one sets out to have their marriage end in divorce, for instance. Despite one’s best intentions, a marriage can find itself on the rocks and end in divorce. However you got there, once the divorce is finalized, you’re faced with the prospect of figuring out life in this new normal. There are various challenges and opportunities that this season affords you.

Aspects of Life After Divorce

Going through a divorce can be a stressful experience, even if you’re the one who initiated it or you’re certain it was the right decision. The experience of divorce and life after divorce can be challenging, but it can also be transformative. In a given moment, you may find yourself experiencing a wide array of emotions about the divorce, from peace, agitation, guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, or excitement.

We are multifaceted beings, and an experience like divorce will affect aspects of your life diversely. Emotionally, you may find yourself experiencing grief and needing healing. Feelings such as anger, sadness, relief, and guilt are part of the picture, and you should give yourself room to process these emotions. It’s a time to build and rely on your emotional resilience to cope with stress and anxiety.

You may also find the period after a divorce provides possibilities for self-discovery. Divorce brings about a shift in your relationships, and even in how you understand yourself and your identity. This new season has room for you to rediscover interests and hobbies you may have set aside, to rebuild your identity and define your values as an individual outside the marriage.

This season may also be one of personal growth. Apart from rediscovering hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfilment, one can also make new friendships, nurture old ones, and pursue personal development, whether that’s through further education, setting fresh career goals, or taking up initiatives that enhance your sense of well-being.

Divorce also changes your life in quite practical ways. You’ll need to make financial adjustments, such as starting to plan for your own financial stability and creating a new budget that reflects your circumstances. You’ll also need to manage shared expenses if there are children involved. You’ll also likely need to find and settle into a new home that fits your resources and needs.

Another important aspect of life after divorce, if children are involved, is the necessity of co-parenting. You and your former spouse must establish a collaborative and healthy relationship that focuses on your children’s needs and provides them with the support they need to flourish. Solo parenting has its challenges that you’ll need to adjust to.

Lastly, another facet of life after divorce is considering dating and relationships. Each individual needs to determine for themselves when it’s appropriate to form new connections, and what boundaries to set for themselves. Finding healing takes time and patience, and you shouldn’t rush into another relationship, especially if it’s only to numb feelings of pain or assuage anger.

Challenges of Life After Divorce

Going through a divorce is never easy or painless, even in situations where it’s amicable and not drawn out. There’s a financial, relational, emotional, physical, and spiritual cost to divorce. If you’re a believer, that may come with unique emotional and spiritual challenges, such as feelings of guilt and shame. You may feel like you’ve failed the Lord and your vows, and you might even experience a crisis of questioning the Lord’s love, presence, or plan.

While divorce is common, it still carries a sense of stigma in many communities of faith and families. You’ll have to deal with people’s perceptions, their reactions and judgment, and the strain on relationships with family members and friends that may occur. One possible outcome is experiencing social isolation if you lose your social and emotional support network. That can become another challenge to cope with after divorce.

Depending on how things worked in your marriage, divorce might mean needing to reenter the workforce to obtain an income. Other changes could include moving to a new home, not having contact with your child(ren) like before, lowering your living standard, and changing friendship circles as dynamics shift or things feel awkward. You may need to learn new skills to enable you to be independent, like household maintenance.

In marriage, you make many compromises for the sake of the relationship, and rightly so. Every healthy relationship requires compromise by both parties. When the marriage ends, you could undergo a shift in your identity and how you perceive yourself. It can be challenging to rediscover who you are apart from the marriage, and to continue to preach the gospel to yourself, rooting your identity in Christ.

The grief and loss that often accompany divorce can be debilitating and hard to overcome. Even where it was absolutely the right and wise choice to leave the marriage, that doesn’t mean that the choice doesn’t come with loss.

The loss could be the end of your dreams and hopes for the relationship, or the loss of your sense of safety. Relationships can be traumatic, and you could be grieving the loss of yourself and your well-being because of the relationship.

Things to Avoid After a Divorce

The challenges that can arise after a divorce can be overwhelming and possibly derail you and your well-being if you don’t face them properly. There are things you can and should avoid after a divorce because they can prevent or delay your healing, your ability to maintain a healthy relationship with your ex, where that is necessary, and your ability to move on with your life.

Some things to avoid include the following:

Negative self-talk A breakup is never easy, and you can slip into self-blame for what happened. There is a difference between accepting responsibility for your part in the breakdown of your marriage and descending into negative self-talk. The latter only leads to you feeling bad and not to concrete change. Instead of negative self-talk, practice self-compassion and place an emphasis on your personal growth.

In addition to negative self-talk, avoid ruminating over what has happened. Instead, focus on the present and your future. Give yourself the time you need to heal, and don’t set unrealistic expectations for yourself about what you can or should be accomplishing.

Rebound relationships People who are hurting can find creative ways to address that hurt, but not all means are healthy. You must give yourself time to heal and work through the grief of your marriage before you commit to someone new. Another behavior to avoid is using a maladaptive coping mechanism like substance abuse.

Co-parenting issues This is one of those areas where this verse is an apt challenge – “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18, NIV). You should avoid co-parenting missteps, like arguing in front of the children or using your children as messengers. Address any issues privately with your co-parent and communicate directly with your ex as much as possible.

Financial mistakes The process of getting divorced is often expensive, and you’ll need to adjust your spending afterwards. Create and stick to a budget that prioritizes stability, addresses joint financial obligations, and avoids impulsive spending.

Avoid drama In our social media age, people would rather talk to their audience than speak directly to the person concerned. Posting things about your ex or divorce may be true to your lived experience, but it can complicate your situation unnecessarily by creating drama. There are other things you can make content about that don’t include this aspect of your life.

Going through a divorce can be taxing, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You must find healthy ways to deal with all this.

Finding Support for Life After Divorce

In addition to avoiding certain behaviors that undermine your well-being after divorce, there are things you can do to promote healing. It is vital that you take care of yourself through exercise, good sleep, nutrition, and connecting with loved ones as much as possible. Healing and restoration are possible, and the Lord doesn’t stop loving you because of divorce. Your identity and worth are rooted in Christ, something that cannot be shaken.

While looking to the future and not focusing on past regrets is important, working through your feelings toward the marriage and your experiences in that relationship is also important. You can seek help through individual or family counseling to help you process your thoughts and emotions.

Post-divorce counseling or co-parenting therapy may also be helpful for you. These forms of therapy are especially helpful where you have complex co-parenting arrangements or if your divorce was mired in conflict. It helps you and your ex develop effective communication about raising your kids, addresses ongoing conflict, and can help reduce the stress and tension that can surround co-parenting.

If you’ve experienced divorce, reach out and speak with a counselor or therapist. They can help you to process your experience and learn how to cope well in its aftermath. Contact our office today to learn more.