How to Know If You Are In a Toxic Friendship and What To Do If You Are

MarAll friendships have their ups and downs, but healthy friendships are marked by mutuality. Both friends tend to respect, trust, and support one another; enjoy each other’s company; share similar values; and have each other’s best interests at heart. When they have a conflict or disagreement, they take responsibility for their part in the issue and apologize when an apology is due.

A toxic friendship, on the other hand, is typically one-sided and feels confusing, weighty, and draining. There is an imbalance in focus, with one friend acting in good faith while the other one is manipulative, negative, deceitful, and controlling.

Who we surround ourselves with is so important because feelings and emotions are contagious, and the negative ones will bring you down. – Angela, 43

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Instead of respecting and supporting one another, the toxic friend shows little interest in you or your life; is dismissive of your thoughts, feelings, goals, and accomplishments; minimizes your problems or brushes them off; and attempts to keep the focus on him or herself.

Signs of a Toxic Friendship

Not every toxic friendship manifests the same way. Many times, it will start out feeling healthy, and then when it begins to change, the signs are often so subtle that they sneak up on you. One of the most common indicators that a friendship has become toxic is that it starts bringing negativity into your life and causing you more distress than joy.

A toxic friend will often ignore your wishes, dismiss your feelings, put you down, belittle your accomplishments instead of being happy for you, be jealous of your other friends, disrespect your boundaries, make light of your personal struggles, betray your trust, lead you to doubt yourself, and leave you feeling emotionally drained after spending time with him or her.

It is a friendship that drags you down instead of lifting you up, chips away at your self-esteem, depletes your energy, and takes a toll on your overall sense of well-being.

Common Characteristics of Toxic Behavior

Knowing the signs of a toxic friendship can help you make better choices about who you choose to spend time with. The following are some common characteristics that can serve as red flags to be on the lookout for.

Gossip He or she enjoys spreading rumors, gossiping about you behind your back, and constantly breaking your trust by sharing confidential information even when you repeatedly ask him or her to keep your personal information private.

Criticism He or she constantly criticizes you, puts you down, and makes snide remarks or negative comments about your choices, appearance, or achievements that make you feel bad about yourself.

Jealousy He or she feels jealous of your accomplishments and your other friendships, and may undermine your successes, try to sabotage your efforts, compete with you, downplay your achievements, offer backhanded compliments, or try to find subtle ways to burst your bubble when you are feeling happy about something.

Lack of support He or she disregards your feelings, tends to downplay your problems, and seems to only be there when he or she wants something, but never when you are going through a tough time and need his or her support.

Selfishness He or she does not respect your wishes or boundaries and always puts his or her needs first.

Emotional manipulation He or she uses tactics such as guilt trips or threats to control the friendship, get his or her own way, and pressure you into changing yourself to meet his or her expectations, do things you don’t want to do, and act in uncharacteristic ways.

Negativity He or she has a pessimistic outlook, does a lot of complaining, and is always pointing out flaws or finding something negative to focus on.

Factors That Can Make You Susceptible to a Toxic Friendship

Some common dynamics that can make you more susceptible to forming a toxic friendship and accepting poor treatment include low self-esteem, not feeling worthy of anything better, fear of being alone, having a need to be needed, or early childhood experiences that shaped your relationship expectations as an adult.

The Impact a Toxic Friendship Can Have on Your Mental Health

The effects of a toxic friendship tend to build up gradually over time and can impact many aspects of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. The ongoing negativity, for instance, can cause you to feel stressed, anxious, and edgy, which can lead to physical symptoms such as a rapid heartbeat, trouble sleeping, headaches, digestive issues, a weakened immune system, and difficulty relaxing or feeling at ease even when not with the toxic friend.

Being constantly undermined, criticized, and put down can also make you doubt your worth and abilities, damage your self-image and confidence, question your value, and lead you to not feel good enough, as you start seeing yourself through your toxic friend’s eyes.

Importance of Setting and Enforcing Boundaries

Boundaries are key to healthy relationships. They help define acceptable behavior and how you allow others to treat you.

According to clinical psychologist, Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, we teach people how we want to be treated by the way we interact with them, and if we allow them to continue to get away with their toxic behaviors, they are going to think that it is okay.

Make a list of behaviors you will not accept, such as put-downs, gossip, or constant negativity, as well as positive things you want, such as respect for your time and privacy, and address unhealthy behaviors early on before they have a chance to worsen.

Use “I” statements to express your needs and communicate your boundaries clearly with the reasons behind them. Whenever your friend crosses the line, calmly and kindly remind him or her of it. Be consistent and firm and stand your ground. Do not let guilt or pressure cause you to cave.

Ending A Toxic Friendship

Recognize when it is time to walk away If you think the friendship is salvageable, you can try setting new boundaries and limits, and communicating what changes you would need to see in the friendship going forward for it to continue.

However, if your friend’s patterns of negative behavior do not change even after you have had a talk about it with him or her, your relationship is causing more distress than joy, and you feel mentally and emotionally drained when you are with your friend, or you don’t like who you are when you hang out with him or her, it may be time to call it quits.

Be firm, but respectful and kind Meet face-to-face in a private place, or over the phone if that is not possible. Be honest about your needs, and use “I” statements to clearly express your feelings about the behaviors you are reacting to, without blaming or attacking.

Keep the conversation short and to the point, avoid arguing, and set clear boundaries for the future, such as less contact, no contact, a break for a set amount of time, or limited interactions in shared social groups. Stay firm in your decision, even if it causes backlash, and do not engage in gossip or arguments about the situation.

Benefits of Counseling

Sometimes the impact of a toxic friendship, or trying to end it, may be more than you can manage on your own. Counseling can provide a safe, supportive, unbiased space where you can discuss and process your toxic friendship with the guidance of a trained mental health professional who can also help you learn how to set healthy boundaries.

If you have questions about this article on toxic friendship or would like to set up a risk-free appointment to meet with one of the counselors in our online directory, please give us a call.