Los Angeles Christian Counseling Logo

  • ServicesRead about the expertise available
    • Individual ServicesAddress your personal concerns confidentially
      • ADHD
      • Anger Management
      • Anxiety
      • Bipolar Disorder
      • Chemical Dependency
      • Coaching
      • Counseling for Children
      • Counseling for Teens
      • Codependency
      • Depression
      • Eating Disorders
      • Grief and Loss
      • Infidelity and Affairs
      • Men’s Issues
      • OCD
      • Personal Development
      • Professional Development
      • Relationship Issues
      • Sexual Abuse
      • Trauma
      • Women’s Issues
    • Christian Couples CounselingWork through challenges together
      • Couples Counseling
      • Premarital Counseling
      • Marriage Counseling
    • Family CounselingEstablish the peaceful home you desire
      • Couples Counseling
      • Counseling for Teens
      • Counseling for Children
      • Family Counseling
    • Online Counseling
    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Marriage Counseling
  • LocationsChoose from our variety of office locations
    • Los Angeles
    • 1Agoura Hills
    • 1Culver City
    • Santa Monica
    • Valencia Christian CounselingValencia
    • 1Online Counseling
  • CounselorsFind the best counselor for your needs
  • CareersBecome an affiliated Christian counselor
  • (949) 386-7179Please give us a call, we are here to help
header-image

Why is Asking for Forgiveness So Hard to Do?

Los Angeles Christian Counseling
https://lachristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/04/pexels-disha-sheta-4010464.jpg 1280 1919
https://lachristiancounseling.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/devin-avery-542010-unsplash.jpg
5183 Overland Avenue Unit C
CULVER CITY, CA 90230
United States
5183 Overland Avenue Unit C
CULVER CITY, CA 90230
United States
Photo of Shanay Russell

Shanay Russell

Apr
2022
11

Why is Asking for Forgiveness So Hard to Do?

Shanay Russell

Individual CounselingRelationship Issues

Forgiveness is freedom. It is the total act of removing the shackles of guilt, shame, and pride, and embracing peace through accountability. Asking for forgiveness can bring up many different emotions and thoughts which can lead to different actions. To ask for forgiveness for some means to admit to a wrong being done whether intentionally or unintentionally.

Why is Asking for Forgiveness So Hard to Do? 3It means owning up to whatever part you may have played in the situation and taking accountability for how it eventually turned out. To ask for forgiveness is to remove pride and to humble yourself to bring about peace to yourself and those that may be involved.

The truth is that unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. – Steve Maraboli

Why is it Hard to Ask for Forgiveness?

Connected to Guilt and shame

Like us if you are enjoying this content.

Sometimes forgiveness can be tied to guilt and shame. When guilt and shame become a part of daily emotion it becomes harder to ask for forgiveness and focus on moving forward. Asking for forgiveness does not always mean that the person you ask will accept your apology. The hope is that when you genuinely ask for forgiveness, the other person or people understand the weight of an apology and will accept it but that does not always occur.

Fear of Rejection

Sometimes the fear of rejection or lack of acceptance is enough to create fear and eliminate the opportunity to apologize. If the apology is not accepted then the feelings of guilt, sadness, and shame can return and weigh heavily on the mind, heart, and soul.

If you focus on whether that person will reject you, you are seeking forgiveness the wrong way. The ultimate act of seeking forgiveness is acknowledging your wrongdoings and focusing on how to right your wrongs.

Fear of abandonment and loneliness

Why is Asking for Forgiveness So Hard to Do? 2If a person decides not to accept the apology, they could in turn decide to alienate you which could bring about feelings of loneliness and dejection. The fear of being abandoned or alone can reduce the desire to ask for forgiveness.

The heavy thoughts of whether it will be accepted can impact your willingness to push past it and ask. But you should push past it. Ultimately, if you can fight these fears, you are showing that you truly understand your issues and how you hurt that person. The result of asking for forgiveness must outweigh the fear of abandonment.

Asking God for Forgiveness

Asking for forgiveness from God is such a different act than it is to ask for forgiveness from people and yourself. There is an element of shame that feels much heavier when talking with God. But the most amazing thing about God is that as soon as we ask God to forgive our trespasses, He does so immediately, throwing them into the sea of forgetfulness.

God is the God of a second chance and helping his children to make a way out of no way. Seeking forgiveness from God may be hard to do but remember that He is a forgiving God who gives new grace and mercy every single day of our lives.

Scriptures About Asking for Forgiveness

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. –

1 John 1:9

Repent, therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out. – Acts 3:19

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. – Matthew 6:14

You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. – Psalm 86:5

How Do You Ask for Forgiveness?

Asking for forgiveness can be considered a simple process for some and a more complicated process for others. It can be as simple as asking for forgiveness with a genuine heart and affect and accepting responsibility for your part.

Why is Asking for Forgiveness So Hard to Do? 1On the other hand, it may seem more complicated once we understand the stages we must go through to ask for forgiveness and truly mean it. As children, our parents, schoolteachers, and community leaders would tell us to “say you’re sorry” when we hurt others, which is a concept with which I don’t agree.

Apologizing and asking for forgiveness should be done of your own volition. What we learned as children is that when we hurt people, we should apologize but we never really learned that there were stages besides saying “I’m sorry.”

Seeking forgiveness is a heart-level decision. One must choose to go on a journey of being curious about why they made the choices they made, how they impacted the people around them, and how that continues to stunt their growth. Below are some steps to take when asking for forgiveness:

  • Take time to understand what you did wrong to hurt or offend that other person or God.
  • Explain why you may have done wrong and acknowledge that it is not an excuse. Your ability to share your process is as much for you as it is for them. When you understand why you may have done it, you work harder to never do the same thing again.
  • Show empathy and share with them how these actions have impacted you as well as them so that they can see your deep level understanding of your mistakes.
  • Ask them if there is a solution they can think of that would help solve the situation or ease their offense or pain. Be open-minded about what they may suggest and how that will impact their ability to heal. If they do not have one, be prepared to suggest what steps you can take to correct your wrongs.
  • Accept their decision on whether they decide to forgive you or not and be open to the amount of time it may take for the process to happen.

I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don’t have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn’t pawn this off on anybody. I’m sorry it happened. – Louie Anderson

Barriers to Forgiving Yourself

Sometimes the reason why it’s hard to seek forgiveness is that you have not taken the first step of truly forgiving yourself. When you are unable to show yourself that act of mercy it can impact whether you believe other people should show you that act of mercy. When we understand that we all fall short, we all make mistakes, and that we are all fallible, we then begin to understand that seeking forgiveness from others is only part of the challenge.

Why is Asking for Forgiveness So Hard to Do?Seeking forgiveness from yourself is the other part. When you offend or make a mistake whether small or large, shame or guilt can become so embedded in your psyche that you may not take the steps to seek forgiveness because you believe you do not deserve it.

But if God can forgive us for everything we have done, then surely you can follow suit and forgive yourself. This is not an easy action. Following the steps above for yourself may help you believe you deserve forgiveness.

Call to Action

Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest actions we as people have ever had to receive and give. As human beings and sometimes as a society there is a retaliation mindset, revenge beliefs, or a negative reciprocal nature to our relationships. Some might believe that if someone has done them wrong, they need to do the same thing to them to get even. But many will tell you that even if they get their revenge, it may not be as they expected.

That’s where forgiveness comes in. When you seek forgiveness from someone and you take accountability for your wrongdoings, show empathy for what they are going through, and take steps to right your wrong, that in and of itself feels appropriate to the person who was wronged.

As a therapist, I can help you understand why it’s important to first forgive yourself and then seek forgiveness using the steps above. Sometimes you may feel like you shouldn’t be forgiven because the challenge, sin, or event was just too large and too impactful. That is the work of negative thoughts, possible negative core beliefs, possible trauma, and evil spirits.

Even if the person you wronged does not forgive you, that is their choice, and that should not impact whether you forgive yourself and whether you still do the work to reduce the chances of making the same mistake again. It is easy to allow fear of rejection, abandonment, and shame to drive your decisions, and it’s important to challenge every single thought of rejection, and shame so that you can reframe and make a more positive choice.

If the voice says you won’t be forgiven, challenge it by speaking aloud that even if they do not, you will still forgive yourself. You will unleash the power it holds by taking accountability and righting your wrongs the best way you possibly can.

If you have trouble with seeking forgiveness due to negative thinking traps, shame, guilt, or fear, please do contact me and we can work together to figure out what you need in order to press forward in seeking forgiveness. Asking for forgiveness is hard and I am here to help you understand the process clearly so that you can take the steps to become a better you.

Photos:
“Reading the Bible”, Courtesy of Rodnae Productions, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Smiling Woman”, Courtesy of Luizclas, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Virtues and Flowers”, Courtesy of Disha Sheta, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Waterfall at Sunset”, Courtesy of Sachin C Nair, Pexels.com, CC0 License

  • Share on Facebook
  • Tweet it
  • ↑ Back to top
Photo of Shanay Russell
Shanay is currently not accepting new clients

Shanay Russell

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #LMFT116140
(949) 386-7179 care@cachristiancounseling.com

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I offer warmth and compassion to individuals and couples seeking counseling for a wide variety of issues. With God’s help, Christian counseling can help you manage and overcome anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, trauma, grief, abandonment issues, and much more. I have experience working with a diverse range of clients seeking professional guidance from a faith-based perspective. My hope is that through our work together, you will learn how to validate yourself, believe in yourself, and focus on progress, not perfection. Read more articles by Shanay »

Other articles that might interest you...

Why Should We Attend Couples Counseling BEFORE Marriage? 1
Photo of Shanay Russell

Shanay Russell

Why Should We Attend Couples Counseling ...

What is Couples Counseling? Couples counseling is a type of counseling reserved for individuals in a romantic relationship. It is...

continue reading »
Couples Counseling: Common Issues and How it Can Help 1
Los Angeles Christian Counseling

Couples Counseling: Common Issues and ...

What is Couples Counseling? Also known as marriage counseling, relationship counseling, or couples therapy, couples counseling focuses on the couple...

continue reading »
Auto Draft 1
Photo of Jessica Oberreuter

Jessica Oberreuter

Why We Need Boundaries

Modern culture loves the word “boundaries.” It is the subject of hashtags and coaching programs and books and movements. It...

continue reading »

About Shanay

Photo of Shanay Russell

Shanay Russell, MA, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #LMFT116140

As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I offer warmth and compassion to individuals and couples seeking counseling for a wide variety of issues. With God’s help, Christian counseling can help you manage and overcome anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, trauma, grief, abandonment issues, and much more. I have experience working with a diverse range of clients seeking professional guidance from a faith-based perspective. My hope is that through our work together, you will learn how to validate yourself, believe in yourself, and focus on progress, not perfection. View Shanay's Profile

Recent articles by Shanay

  • May 16 · How to Forgive Yourself After You’ve Messed Up
  • Apr 29 · I Have a Difficult Child. What Should I Do?
  • Apr 11 · Why is Asking for Forgiveness So Hard to Do?
See all articles by Shanay »

Related Services

  • Individual Counseling
  • Relationship Issues

Shanay's Office Locations

  • Photo of the Culver City office

    Culver City

    California

    General Office Number

    (949) 386-7179
    5183 Overland Avenue, Unit C Culver City, CA 90230

    View Office Details
  • Photo of the Online Counseling office

    Online Counseling

    Washington

    General Office Number

    (206) 388-3929
    444 Northeast Ravenna Boulevard Seattle, WA 98115

    View Office Details
  • Photo of the Los Angeles office

    Los Angeles

    California

    General Office Number

    (949) 386-7182
    13101 Washington Boulevard, Suite 215 Los Angeles, CA 90066

    View Office Details

Subscribe to our Newsletter

Los Angeles Christian Counseling Logo
Los Angeles Christian Counseling
Professional help with faith-based values
Welcome to Los Angeles Christian Counseling. If you’re looking for reliable Christian therapy in LA or the surrounding areas, we welcome you to contact us to schedule an appointment. Our offices are conveniently located near Venice Boulevard, Lincoln Blvd, the 405, and 90, not far from Venice Beach or the Santa Monica Airport. We serve the communities of Culver West, Culver Garden, Oakwood, Mar Vista, Del Rey, Alla, and Venice.
© 2022 Culver City Christian Counseling. All rights reserved.
5183 Overland Avenue, Culver City, CA 90230. Tel (949) 386-7179.
Facebook Sitemap Online Counseling Privacy Policy Terms of Use Feel free to contact us!
COVID-19 Service Update: We are still open for business. In office and online counseling is available if needed.