The Four Communication Styles: Pros and Cons

When it comes to communication styles, there are four basic categories: aggressive, passive, assertive, and passive-aggressive. While there are other ways of classifying kinds of communication, this way is one of the most helpful as a starting point.

While a person’s communication style certainly may vary a lot, depending upon the given situation, the pulse of their mood, the person they are talking to, and a myriad of other factors, individuals usually have certain communication styles they are apt to revert to.

Having said that, people are not limited to having one set style forever. Being aware of our communication style helps us make improvements in that area

What is Your Style of Communication?

Below you will find a general overview that lays out the four main communication styles:

Passive

An individual who is demonstrating a passive style of communication will often deny their personal opinions, emotions, and needs. They may not be altogether honest with themselves and are apt to take the blame for any and everything even when they are not at fault.

A person who exhibits this style tends to apologize without need, pacify others, and constantly place the emotions and opinions of others before those of their own.

Rather than confronting, for example, this communication often entails not being upfront with others. A scenario might involve someone who is not confronting the irresponsibility of a roommate. If and when the subject arises and the roommate mentions it or makes an excuse, the person untruthfully says something along the lines of, “I realize you are swamped with things to do. No worries. It’s fine.”

This is a problem since the communication style is not conducive to properly understanding the communicator or meeting their personal needs. Passive communication does allow for the avoiding of confrontation, the skirting of challenging conversations, and the dodging of upsetting people, it also comes with the price tag of not being able to express their genuine needs, views, or emotions.

Aggressive

An individual who demonstrates an aggressive type of communication will be apt to stay focused upon their own perspective, objective, and emotions. They do so to the extent that they completely disregard the perspective, objectives, and emotions of others.

An aggressive communicator very well may be honest at the expense of other people, not thinking through or concerning themselves with the impact what they say has on them. Honesty is important, for sure, but also should be used appropriately.

When in a situation with an irresponsible roommate, a person who communicates this way might say something such as, “You are so lazy! You don’t ever even help with chores. All you do is lay around and take up space.” No effort is put on tactfully communicating the message at hand.

Understandably, communication that is aggressive in nature will likely be perceived as an attack or that blame is being placed. This is not good because people who feel they are being attacked often become defensive. The situation can escalate to an argument very quickly instead of it being a conversation that is productive.

Additional characteristics which are often linked with an aggressive-type communication style include anger, inflexibility, and hostility. Rather than attempting to grasp an understanding of another person’s perspectives, considering a compromise, or showing respect to others within in the conversation, an individual who has a style that is aggressive tends to refuse to sway from their viewpoints and also are determined not to consider alternate ways of thinking or seeing a situation.

They typically tend to communicate with an angry undertone, a raised voice, and hostile body signals. This leads to the person on the other end of the conversation feeling controlled, intimidated, defensive, and/or frightened. Aggressive communication undoubtedly gets the point across but rarely yields anything productive. Instead, it is likely to ruin relationships and cause further problems.

Passive-Aggressive

One who’s demonstrating the passive-aggressive style of communication will tend to exhibit a passive style of communication initially. Later on, they will switch to other methods in which to express needs they have or emotions that they feel but in a very undercurrent, non-direct, semi-aggressive style which can often be at others’ expense.

For example, when considering the scenario with the roommate that doesn’t help out, a passive-aggressive communicator would likely say something down the lines of, “Good gosh there’s a ton of dirty dishes” rather than confronting the real underlying fact that the roommate is not pulling their weight of work.

Issues are skirted around. Those involved in conversations and situations with this type may feel frustrated and confused. They may spend a good amount of time trying to figure out the real meaning behind what is being said, and rightly so. Things which are being said usually have a double meaning and are, at times, intended to be manipulative.

Assertive

Assertive communication is actually believed to be the healthiest kind there is because it promotes relationships that are healthy and strong. It takes place when an individual says what they mean in a clear and direct manner. They are, however, completely willing and able to see and respect the side of the other person. A balance is formed and both tend to validate one another as if to agree to disagree when need be.

Assertive communication elevates empathy and allows both communicators to be respected and understood and, in return, to respect and understand as well. There’s not a need to be right or win, just to make known their own voice and to listen to that of another.

Sure, there can be times when standing one’s ground is vital and compromising would be wrong. But, there are more times than not when assertion is the answer and within this method, one can still stick up for their beliefs effectively.

Wisdom surrounds the assertive style of communication. Even picking up on movements and body language is key. Knowing when to speak and when to keep quiet are important tools, too.

The assertive communicator pays attention to factors within nonverbal communication. They note when fists are clenched or when the tone of sarcasm is present. Not only do they use those clues to decide how to react (or not) within a given conversation, they also use the signals those things send off to improve their own conversations.

Active Listening

A very vital communication skill is the art of active listening. It is overlooked quite often but is imperative to a good relationship, no matter what the relationship entails. Active listening is giving your undivided attention to the person who is talking.

In doing so, the other individual feels he or she is being respected because they are. This, in return, promotes that individual to do the same when you talk. Active listening, when applied, is priceless because it is an action that fosters positive relationship bonds and embraces communication styles which are healthy.

There are ways that you can accomplish communicating with your complete engagement while also incorporating active listening. One method involves taking note when your mind strays from the conversation. Then, gently direct it back to listen and respond to what was being said.

Paying attention, not just to words being spoken, but to body language, tone of voice, emotions involved, and so forth is taking your listening skills to a higher level.

Also, you don’t want to just be waiting for your chance to input into the conversation. Don’t be obsessed with what you are about to say. Instead, really listen to what’s being stated without selfish regard. Offering an occasional reply which conveys you want to hear more is helpful as well.

For example, if a person is going on and on in a lengthy story involving a friend who is continually cancelling plans with them, rather than offering advice for them to dump the friend and not attempt further plan making, you might simply restate what has been said to you. “It sounds like your buddy is really busy,” you might reply.

Also, you might sympathize without offering advice in such a way that you acknowledge how the cancellation of plans might make the person feel and state that you are sure it is frustrating. Your friend might then correct the word “frustrating” and admit that the situation was actually hurtful and then respond in such a way that she or he opens up further about being hurt or insulted.

Then the conversation becomes productive and fruitful. Feelings can be released and dealt with. You, as the listener, are able to offer your support. Statements of reflection promote a better understanding of the feelings of others.

Open-ended questions are another effective method of listening actively. You simply ask the one speaking a question in regards to what they are saying. The question encourages more than a “yes” or a “no” answer. Such a practice is good for real heart-felt conversations to begin.

You may also want to entertain the thought of offering your support within a conversation but without taking center stage by offering your two cents worth. You can ask, “What is the best way for me to help you in this matter?”

Or, you might inquire as to how you can be a food friend amidst the situation. It is probable that the person will go on to elaborate, giving them the opportunity to speak and also to teach you how to be supportive in their scenario.

Validating is of ultimate importance. You don’t have to agree in order to validate someone or something. You are just giving that person the right to have an opinion about something or someone. There’s a huge difference. Understanding, respect, and empathy are all things that are associated with validation.

Concluding Thoughts

The subject of communication isn’t a simple one. In fact, it’s gigantic. There are a myriad of skills and also strategies that can help you learn to be a better communicator. Listening is how it all begins and then, you can journey on by learning to validate and so forth. As you move forward in your own skills, relationships are sure to be enhanced.

In addition to listening, another great place to start is by paying attention to the way in which others communicate and how you feel which each style. What makes you feel validated? What takes place that causes you to not feel of value and to feel a sense of disrespect instead?

You’ll want to notice the interactions that bring about positive feelings while also a good point to begin is to figure out how a given situation make you think or feel. When do feelings of misunderstanding and disrespect arise? What actions bring about positives and which leave you feeling negative?

Taking this information on communication to heart and making mental notes of it can help tremendously. You are able to work on implementing strategies which are used by others that make you, yourself, feel valued. If you feel supported and valued due to a certain action, like a nod or wink, it’s a cue that you doing the same when you are listening could be conducive.

Secondly, by increasing your awareness of things other individuals do which bring about feelings of disrespect, you’ll be able to work on avoiding doing the same. If you realize that you experience frustration if someone constantly checks their cell phone when you are talking to them, paying attention to your own feelings about that situation can encourage you to intentionally put your own phone away when someone is talking to you.

Lastly, the act of regarding your own interactions is of great value. You can begin to realize which of your relationships involve healthy communication and which don’t. You can assess what ones could stand to improve and begin working on them. In the event that you’d like to have further support, please contact a counselor who will walk with you through the process.