Time for a Communication Coach? Find Out Here

Communication includes more than our words. We communicate through our body language which includes our facial expressions, the way we carry ourself, and the tone of our voice. All these signals are being sent while communicating with someone. You might say with your words, “I’m not angry at you.” However, if your arms are crossed and your lips are pursed this sends the receiver mixed signals.

Your mind has to work in overdrive to make sense of all the information you are receiving. Not to mention while someone is talking, our brains are formulating responses. It’s quite amazing that anybody can accomplish any form of communication.

When we reach a deadlock in our ability to communicate effectively, it’s time to reach out to a professional communication coach to steer the conversation and get the conversation back on track with productive communication.

How a Communication Coach Can Help Your Marriage

Let’s take a look at Ryan and Kim. They are four years into their marriage with three children all under the age of four. Kim has decided to manage the household while Ryan works outside the home.

It’s one of those days when one kid is sick, the other one is crying constantly and the third is coloring on the walls. Not to mention she just received an expensive medical bill, burned the breakfast and had her parenting choices criticized over a call with her mother.

She’s trying to cook a nutritious meal for dinner with the kids fighting and the TV blaring the same obnoxious movie the kids always ask to watch, when her husband comes home. Instead of asking her how her day went or jumping in to put out any of the numerous ‘fires’ he says, “I’m hungry. I wish dinner was ready sooner.”

It’s probably just a harmless statement, but it’s adding one more way Kim doesn’t measure up in her role as mother and wife. What kind of response do you think is coming?

Kim’s level of grace and patience is depleted. She could get an attitude, storm out or dump the spaghetti right on her husband’s head. If Ryan had taken into account the state of the home and not focused on his needs, he might have approached the situation differently.

If the person you are trying to talk to is angry, distracted, stressed or anxious the chances of mutually beneficial communication drops significantly. If you have some concrete communication tools to work with, it can improve your chances of effective communication.

Some Tools for Better Communication

Working with a professional communication coach can help you learn and put into practice some or all of the following tools for effective communication:

Take a Moment to Assess

Instead of barreling forward with your words, take a moment to assess the situation. Arguments could be avoided this way. Conversations must be handled with care intense situations.

It’s important to do a self-check. Are you anxious? Is your heart beating faster? Is your stomach in knots? Are your shoulders tense? Are your cheeks hot?

Are you preparing your words as weapons to hurt the other person? How will the other person interpret what you are saying and how you are saying it? Is it designed to build someone up or beat them up? If anger is brewing right below the surface, take a moment to reflect before starting a conversation that could end up with disastrous effects.

Ask Permission

Few people ask permission for anything anymore. Most people feel entitled to everything in life. You could potentially prevent an argument by asking,” “Is this a good time to talk about…?” This shows that you are respecting the other person’s time and emotional state. It also empowers the other person to make a decision about when to talk which will normally make that person drop their guard some.

If you are in a committed relationship, this conversation can’t be avoided forever. The longer you delay the more the other person will feel disrespected. If there’s a fear of being attacked or not being heard, you should bring that to the attention of the person you are talking to.

If the person claims they are not trying to attack you, you can give them the benefit of the doubt. You can stop the conversation if you discover that person lied and begins to attack you.

Set Up Ground Rules

When anger escalates during a conversation people don’t fight fair. When anger comes rushing in, logic goes rushing out. It’s near impossible to make wise choices about our words or control our tongue. Let’s outline a few ground rules for conversations.

Stay on topic

Why is it that during an argument, people bring up all the mistakes that have happened in the last five years? Too many conversations deviate from the issue at hand and a long list of past problems are brought up. If someone is wanting to discuss some failure or shortcoming on the other person’s part, the conversation can be only about that thing. Stay focused on the concern at hand.

Framing

Framing can be used to condition the other person for what is about to come in the conversation ahead. You might say, “I need to talk to you about something that might be upsetting. Do you think you can handle that right now?” If the person says no, that person should provide a time to have the discussion. These conversations can be uncomfortable, but it’s important to learn to restrain your anger and practice self-control.

Framing can also be about discussing your fears about the conversation before it happens. “I need to talk to you, but I’m afraid you’re going to shout at me and leave.” This gives the other person a chance to brace himself for what is about to be shared. It prepares this person to stay calm and collected instead of becoming outraged and running away from the conversation.

Meta-conversations

Meta-conversations occur when you have a conversation about a past conversation or event. The script usually follows this form, “When you said X, it made me feel Y because I believed Z” For example, “When you walked ahead of me at the airport, I felt abandoned because I felt like you were embarrassed to walk with me.” If the person becomes disconnected from the conversation you might want pause and pick up the conversation later.

Beware of over-responsibility

We have all played the blame game at some point. It’s an easy way to excuse the behavior and not take responsibility. “You are the one who knows how to press my buttons.” Hearing that someone you care about is upset with you because of something you said or did, can bring up a host of emotions. We can feel shame for hurting someone we love. This might cause us to retreat and lash out from this place of shame or pain.

You are not responsible for the feelings of others. Someone else’s happiness does not depend on you. All you can do is manage your emotions and create the environment you desire. How someone else reacts is not your burden to bear. We all have invisible hula hoops around us and it’s important to know when you are stepping out of your personal hula hoop.

Imagine a parent buys a child an exciting toy for his birthday, but the child doesn’t care for it all. This can be upsetting, but the child must have the freedom to respond in his own way. If the parent gets angry and lashes out at the child it’s usually because the parent was expecting a certain reaction from the child and the parent’s expectations were not met.

Being disappointed is a normal emotion to experience if someone rejects a gift you carefully picked out just for that person. However, if there’s an angry outburst attached to that disappointment because feelings of rejection arise, then that’s something that should be addressed with a counselor.

Listen to your body

In high-stress situations, people often disconnect from their body. It’s a type of defense mechanism that helps us to not completely shut down. As you enter into a conversation, check in with how your body is responding. Is there a tightness developing in my chest? Are my fists clenched? Do I feel knots in my stomach? Do I have a headache? Am I breathing faster?

These are common signs associated with anxiety. If you notice these emotions arising, ask to pause the conversation and remove yourself from the situation. If anxiety goes unchecked it can lead to verbal outbursts and illogical thinking. Take a few moments to calm down so you can continue the conversation in a beneficial manner.

This is a great time to practice deep breathing. This tells your brain that it’s okay to relax. If that anxiety is flooding your system, don’t be afraid to pause the conversation. If someone is starting to use hurtful language, pause the conversation. This will help prevent further damage from being done.

A great tool is to use “I” statements during the conversation. If “you” statements are used that often feels like an attack on the other person. Instead of saying, “You are not listening to me” you can say, “I don’t feel heard in this conversation.” Instead of saying, “You are always the one shouting” you can say, “I feel like shutting down when you raise your voice at me.”

You can even agree ahead of time to pause the conversation if the argument begins to escalate. Having a communication game plan is the best approach to have a successful outcome.

Emotions from past wounds are easily triggered in conversation. A Christian counselor can be the referee for you and your loved one. A counselor is skilled at equipping couples with tools and solutions that actually work. You will learn how to navigate conversations in a constructive way. Instead of using your words as a bulldozer, you will learn how to use them to build up the conversation.