The Benefits of Setting Personal Boundaries

Over 2 million people have read the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. Originally published in 1992, the book popularized the concept of “property lines” in relationships.

Boundaries may have become a catchphrase, but the concept is simply a way to describe emotional health, maturity, and well-balanced relationships, based on knowing where you end and someone else begins.

Three Examples of Poor Personal Boundaries

Let’s illustrate that concept using three examples of poor personal boundaries:

People-Pleasing

Erin doesn’t like anyone to be upset with her, so she makes it her mission to serve others and cater to their needs and even their whims. Because she doesn’t rock the boat, her life feels smooth and evenkeeled. So, what’s the problem?

Erin suppresses her needs and desires in order to keep everyone else happy. Over time, this behavior inevitably leads to resentment, but Erin keeps her resentment hidden because again, she doesn’t want anyone to be unhappy with her if she reveals that she has needs, too.

But living with hidden resentment is very unhealthy. It affects her relationships and her emotional health, even though (and because) she’s determined to suppress her true feelings.

Domineering

James is someone that people call a jerk or a bully. He’s difficult to work with and often engages in interpersonal conflict. He’s not abusive, but when he argues with his wife, he gets easily impatient and doesn’t understand why she disagrees with him. He doesn’t respect authority and belittles anyone who doesn’t behave how he wants them to.

Enabling

Janice has been supporting her 26-year-old son Ryan his entire life. Although he’s now an adult and no longer lives at home, she still sends him a check every month.

Janice doesn’t want to withdraw financial support and suffer the loss of a relationship with her son, or even damage to their relationship. She and Ryan have an enmeshed parent-child relationship.

You may be able to think of similar relationships among people you know, or perhaps you can think of examples in your own life – whether of codependence, enmeshment, high levels of conflict, or other relationship issues – that indicate poor personal boundaries.

Let’s talk a little bit more in detail about defining boundaries in relationships.

What are Personal Boundaries, and Why Do We Need Them?

A boundary is a line you draw between yourself and someone else. The line can be, metaphorically speaking, a brick wall, or it can be a white picket fence. It all depends on your relationship with the person.

Imagine that you’re visiting a maximum security prison. As you’re walking through the halls escorted by a guard, he tells you to avoid eye contact with the prisoners. You want to avoid agitating them at all costs.

If a prisoner asks you a question, you shouldn’t respond. This is an example of a brick wall boundary. You have no relationship and are avoiding even social niceties because the prisoners are not trustworthy or safe.

Then imagine you’re the mother of a newborn. You’re holding your child who is just a few days old. Whether you’re nursing or bottle-feeding, you’ll be feeding the baby everything he needs while holding him. You change his diapers, keep him clean, and respond to his cries.

This caregiving is how he learns that he is loved. This relationship is the exact opposite of your relationship with a dangerous stranger. You and your newborn are two different people, but the line between the two of you is very faint.

The boundaries you need to set in any given relationship will depend on the nature of the relationship. Having a boundary doesn’t mean there’s no shared space in the relationship—for example, married couples share many overlapping responsibilities and experiences.

But even couples need healthy personal boundaries. Knowing where you end and other people begin gives you the freedom to enjoy your relationships while caring for your mental and emotional health. Personal boundaries also give others the space to make choices for themselves.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Once you recognize the importance of personal boundaries, what steps should you take to implement them in your life?

Consider seeking Christian counseling for setting boundaries. A counselor can help you recognize a need for greater health in your relationships, and learn how to set limits in specific ways based on your circumstances.

Consider the relationships or situations in which you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or resentful. If you tend to be a people-pleaser, you may secretly resent the fact that other people do not serve you the way you serve them. Learning to speak up for yourself can be frightening. But it’s necessary in order for you to have healthy relationships.

Important Aspects of Setting Boundaries

According to Psychology Today, here are a few of the key concepts to consider when you start setting boundaries with others:

• Get to know yourself well.
• Take responsibility for yourself: “In other words, you are setting your limits about who can come into your space and what you expect of others once they’re there.”
• Develop self-respect: “When you respect yourself, all of who you are, you should expect that others will treat you with respect. If they don’t, that’s a clear sign not to engage.”
• Pay attention to warning signs of your boundaries being violated.
• Don’t make attempts to fix other people.
• Stay in charge of your own decisions.
• Detach from other people: “It may be difficult to imagine being emotionally attached to others while remaining psychologically and intellectually detached. This means that you are able to separate your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs from others.”

Avoid the Pitfalls of Boundaries

Sometimes, we can misapply the concept of boundaries in relationships and end up becoming more self-centered. Remember, a key concept of boundaries is that you’re not responsible for other adults. Their feelings, opinions, and actions are their own.

But, you are responsible to other people, and those responsibilities must be taken into account as you seek to set healthy limits. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we never explain ourselves or defer to others. Even in healthy relationships, you’ll need to sacrifice and serve other people if you are seeking to live a life of love that God commands.

If you find yourself using boundaries as a reason to become more self-indulgent and self-seeking, take some time to talk with a mentor or Christian counselor about how to have a healthier approach.

It’s also possible to misapply the concept of boundaries by withdrawing from others instead of continuing to take the risk of engaging in relationships. Relationships are inherently risky, and since we are sinners, we are going to hurt each other. Having healthy boundaries means protecting yourself from harm, not hurt.

The team at Boundaries puts it this way:

• It is acceptable to have an argument, but not to be yelled at and treated with contempt.
• It is acceptable to pick the wrong person, but not to let that person take over your life, thoughts, and values.
• It is acceptable to open up to a person and feel bad if they become critical of you, but not to allow it to happen repeatedly.
• It is acceptable to give up controlling the outcome of the relationship and where it will end up, but not to let the other person’s choices be the only choices.

Boundaries are simply meant to provide a context for healthy relationships. They serve you and the other person. Setting healthy limits means that you can make intentional choices about your life, motivated by wisdom and love, rather than out of obligation, fear, or guilt.

Christian Counseling for Healthy Boundaries

Healthy relationships are interdependent, not 100% autonomous, and not codependent.

It’s also important to remember that boundaries can change and develop over time. Relationships ebb and flow. As in the example with a mother caring for a newborn, her relationship with that child will not look anything similar once the child is 20 years old.

You can’t overestimate the importance of healthy boundaries. Many emotionally healthy people have them without even realizing it, but others of us have to consciously make an effort to set them. Christian counseling can help you take the first steps toward setting loving and clear limits in your relationships.