Signs of Emotional Abuse to Watch for in a Relationship

No one sets out to be in a relationship that undermines their health and well-being, but sometimes we find ourselves enmeshed in challenging situations like emotional abuse. Unhealthy relationships come in all shapes and sizes, and all kinds of people can find themselves in such a relationship.

Emotional abuse isn’t always as easy to pick up on as physical abuse, but it is just as damaging to a person’s well-being and sense of wholeness as other forms of abuse. Our relationships are meant to be a source of blessing in our lives, a gift from the Lord.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. – Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12, NIV

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An emotionally abusive relationship turns this on its head by making the relationship a source of harm instead of one that supports the flourishing of the people in it. Instead of being a source of strength, an emotionally abusive relationship saps one’s vitality and self-esteem.

Emotional abuse, which is also called mental or psychological abuse, is something that anyone – male or female, young or old – can experience. It can take place in different kinds of relationships, and not just romantic ones. Emotional abuse can take place between a parent and child, colleagues, or friends.

When a person is in an abusive relationship, they may end up experiencing depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide. Because of these serious consequences of emotional abuse, being able to recognize it and deal with it is important.

What emotional abuse looks like.

The tricky thing about emotional abuse is that it is not always as obvious as other forms of abuse. A person can be in an emotionally abusive relationship and not know it. Things can get very bad within an emotionally abusive relationship, but they don’t always start that way.

It’s like the story of the frog and the kettle; emotional abuse is like a slow boil that snares you gradually over time. It can start small – a comment here, an outburst of anger there – but it escalates over time, and it is often a precursor to other forms of abuse.

As one adapts to the negative patterns of behavior in the relationship, it gets more difficult to see those patterns for what they are and to leave the relationship. Below are a few signs of emotional abuse in a relationship.

Language that insults and undermines.

The words that we use have the power to bring life and well-being, but also to bring death and destruction.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. – Proverbs 18:21, NIV

In an emotionally abusive relationship, words are used as a weapon, with insults and degrading comments being wielded freely. These harsh words will often undermine your self-confidence, value and dignity as a person. Being called “stupid” or being told “you’re not good enough” are examples of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting.

Gaslighting is when a person denies the experiences and reality of the other person. That often leads the victim of gaslighting to doubt themselves and question their memory and perceptions of reality. Being told you’re crazy, or having a partner who always says “I never said that; you must have imagined it” are just some of the ways that a person can gaslight you.

By undermining one’s confidence in their memory and perceptions, the gaslighter can maintain control of the situation because their words become more powerful than the victim’s own beliefs or experiences.

Some people will go as far as provoking you into a particular emotional response, and then blaming you for that reaction. They know exactly how to upset you, and they manipulate you toward certain reactions, but once you react in the way they desire, they turn around and blame you for reacting the way you did.

Control and isolation.

To exert more control in a relationship, an abuser will try to isolate the other person from support structures and other people that care for them. This may be subtle like discouraging them to see certain friends and family.

It can also be overt actions such as insisting on being with you wherever you go or withholding money or the car to prevent you from moving about freely. The abuser may try to exert control by being angry or making you feel guilty for seeing other loved ones.

Additionally, another way control can be exerted is through yelling, especially when the yelling is very loud, aggressive, or up in your face. Yelling in this way can work as a tactic of control because the louder person has more power and can induce fear in the other, essentially creating an unequal power dynamic between two people.

In a relationship between equals, control can also take the form of one person making all the decisions in the relationship – they may tell you what to wear and eat, or with whom to fraternize. Some other controlling behaviors include accusing you of infidelity, monitoring your communication with other people, or even going so far as withholding affection or resources to make you do what they want you to do.

Walking on eggshells to avoid disappointing a partner.

We all want to please our partners. But in healthy relationships where boundaries are maintained, there is the understanding that each person is distinct and has their own personality, likes, dislikes, and opinions.

In an emotionally abusive relationship, a person may find themselves second-guessing themselves and self-editing to ensure they don’t upset their partner. When you walk on eggshells in this way, it may mean that you’ve internalized the abusive behavior of your partner so that they don’t have to do it overtly for you to comply.

Unpredictable anger.

Everyone gets angry at some point, and anger does rear its head in a healthy relationship once in a while. In an abusive relationship, however, there is a prevalence of unpredictable anger that leaves you feeling intimidated, on edge, and unsure of what negative thing is going to follow.

When a person is calm one moment, and then their anger flares up in a moment and is communicated to you through physical or verbal violence, that can make you constantly hypervigilant and make you careful not to upset them in your words or actions.

Connected to unpredictable anger, if your partner makes threats toward you, your children, or the family pet, or if they threaten to harm themselves unless you do what they say, such actions are aimed at making you comply, blackmailing and backing you into a corner, and they are another form of emotional abuse.

Blame shifting or not accepting accountability.

In a healthy relationship, people hold each other accountable for any shortcomings or failings. In a relationship marked by emotional abuse, however, an abusive partner will shirk responsibility, refusing to be held accountable for their mistakes or behavior.

Instead, they may blame others for their actions, such as when one partner physically or verbally abuses their counterpart and then says that the abuse is the victim’s fault and there are things they could do to prevent it. This is insidious because it makes the victim believe that what happening is their fault and that they are the ones that need to modify their behavior to prevent the abuse.

Extreme jealousy.

Even in healthy romantic relationships, some low levels of jealousy can be common. But some forms of jealousy flow from insecurity and the resultant desire to exert control over you. They may call you constantly, asking who you’re with, or insist that they know where you are at all times.

Unrealistic expectations.

In every relationship, there are some expectations. Whether in a friendship, a parent-child relationship or between colleagues, the parties to it know that the relationship carries some mutually agreed upon and reasonable expectations.

Within an abusive relationship, however, these expectations go beyond what is reasonable toward the unrealistic and unreasonable. When a person expects you to put everything aside to meet their needs, wants you to spend your time and energy exclusively on them, expects you to share the same opinions about everything, or has exacting standards when you’re performing tasks, that may point to an emotionally abusive relationship.

How to deal with emotional abuse.

You need to trust yourself and any gut feeling you may have that things aren’t right in your relationship. If the above signs sound familiar to you, you can find help by seeking a therapist to help you make sense of things. Alternatively, you can get help by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

To address an emotionally abusive relationship, you should know that you don’t have the responsibility to fix the other person, but you can encourage them to seek help. If you need to, be willing to block them from your call list or social media, and if it’s in a work relationship, you can try to find ways to work less with them.

It is also important that you look at what your needs are, setting and maintaining good boundaries so that you don’t stay trapped in unhealthy cycles of abusive behavior. If you have a support network of loved ones, reach out to them so they can walk alongside you on your journey toward healing.

Additionally, there may be circumstances where you need to step away from the relationship and give yourself and the other person room to work on yourselves. That time and space can be used to heal from the hurt of the relationship and establish good self-care routines.