Emotional Abuse: What It Is and How to Heal

The term emotional abuse covers a broad spectrum of possibilities. Emotional abuse stories can differ greatly from patient to patient. Because we are all wired differently, the impact is not uniform.

One child may have experienced severe judgment from a parent, yet still, know that their parent is the one in the wrong. Another child, even in the same family, can experience similar judgment that triggers an internal or external reaction. Not every child responds to trauma in identical ways. It’s important to note that there’s not a one-size-fits-all approach to people that have suffered emotional abuse.

How We are Wired

When babies make their grand appearance into this world, there is no sense of self right away. A baby sees their mom as their complete source of sustenance. As the baby develops, it begins to understand that there is more to their mother than just the source of food.

Babies recognize that their mother sometimes leaves them, but she always comes back. If the mother allows the baby to pull away, the baby slowly develops a healthy sense of self-detachment from the mother.

A stranger could emotionally or verbally abuse you and it doesn’t have the same effect as a loved one’s abuse. Generally speaking, people have an attachment to those that are supposed to nurture and protect them. If someone is yelling, threatening or degrading you it can damage any healthy emotional structure that exists depending on the level of internalization that takes place.

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is any behavior by a person in our life that has a damaging effect on what we believe about ourselves.

It could be a parent who says, “You won’t go anywhere in life.” It could be a parent, who in anger, yells, “How stupid can you be?” These statements can become wired into our thinking and how we perceive ourselves.

Sometimes the emotional abuse statements are repeated and can have an impact on different areas of your life like your father saying, “If you eat that, you’ll get fat.” This can trigger a lifelong battle with food addiction or eating certain foods to numb the pain.

Anything that is used to make someone feel fearful, crazy, worthless or inadequate qualifies as emotional abuse. If it negatively affects your self-image, that can be defined as emotional abuse.

Once we acknowledge the damage the abuse has had on us, it’s the right time to find a trusted counselor to begin to heal the damage caused by the abuser(s). People who have endured abuse often have been “gaslighted” which refers to when the abuser twists facts to make the target question whether or not they actually saw or heard what they thought they did. Seeing a Christian counselor is critical if you think you may have been experiencing this abuse.

Effects of Emotional Abuse

The effects of emotional abuse stretch far and wide. Because we retain stress, anxiety, bitterness, and anger within our bodies, emotional abuse can have serious negative health effects.

A child’s brain cannot process trauma because the brain is not developed enough to properly understand abuse and realize the blame lies on the abuser. If you have unprocessed trauma, this can lead to physical aches and pain.

Some people find their physical pain dissipates after releasing the trauma that has kept them silent all these years. They have experienced physical burdens being lifted from them. Even performing therapeutic movements with a trained trauma professional can help to release the trauma from the body.

Emotional abuse can trickle into all areas of life significantly damaging the ability to trust others, to enjoy others and to feel confident about ourselves. Without even laying a single finger on someone, the abuser can manipulate someone enough to drain life of its joy as old records play repeatedly in our heads.

For example, a young boy is raised by a father who is distant and emotionally detached from the relationship. As that young boy becomes an adult, he may love his children but feel burdened that he’s going to mess it up like his father did.

That boy who was starved of emotional connection may feel responsible for every outcome in his children’s lives. This can cause paralysis when he has to make important decisions about their well being. The cycle of abuse and its effects are hard to break, but it’s not impossible.

Stopping Emotional Abuse

It’s common for those who have been abused as a child to still have a relationship with their abuser as an adult. Often times the abuser is a parent, sibling, relative or close family friend. A survivor of abuse has had to suppress their feelings of pain and sadness and maintain an ongoing relationship with the abuser.

The one who has suffered the abuse often feels trapped when they think about speaking up and losing the relationship with this family member. Some parents have even twisted God’s command to honor your father and mother to keep the child from standing up for himself.

God is not in favor of emotional abuse or a person suffering in silence day after day. God’s healing is as much for the abuser as it is for the one being abused. The best thing to do is to bring what is in the darkness into the light if it’s safe to do so.

Stopping the abuse isn’t easy by any means. Consider the following examples of when someone attempted to address and stop the abuse.

Susan is a 21-year-old mother of one, married to her husband of two years. Her mother Betsy lives in town and verbally abuses Susan until she ends up crying from the hurt. She and her husband Nick would love nothing more than to put a stop to this abuse, but her parents have been helping with the rent for the past two years, and they are at risk of losing their home without their help.

Susan is starting to experience physical pain that’s rare for a 21-year-old. Her chest continues to tighten and cause pain. When her mother left town last month, most of Susan’s chest pains disappeared.

Susan’s health is on the line, and she and Nick must decide the best move to make for their family. They may need to rent a smaller place that is within their financial means to remove the control Betsy has before addressing the issue of abuse with her.

It requires every ounce of bravery, but they need to sit down with Betsy and explain the abuse that Susan is experiencing. Still communicating in a calm manner, they can continue to share the consequences that will happen if the abuse continues.

For someone who is not used to standing up for themselves, this kind of talk can sound harsh at first. It could be useful to discuss these things with a therapist before putting them into practice.

The threat of the end of a relationship could be enough for Betsy to rethink her actions. On the other end, Betsy may become defensive and leave in an uncontrolled rage. This outcome is best discussed with a counselor to process the new reality about the mother.

Jeremy is a 35-years old, married for 12 years with two kids, a boy (12) and a girl (9). Recently, when his dad came over for a visit, he overheard him say to the boy, “Crying is a sign of weakness. You need to suck it up and toughen up.”

Immediately Jeremy had flashbacks of himself as a kid being scolded in a similar manner. The fear came rushing back in. All he could manage to do was take his son to the side and explain that he is free to cry when he wants to and that it’s healthy to cry.

In the ideal situation, if Jeremy had already experienced healing from his trauma, he could have intervened at the moment. He could have respectfully told his dad that tears are acceptable in his family and a healthy way to process emotions.

The most important thing to do is shield our loved ones from abuse, even if that causes rifts in relationships. A counselor can help discuss past trauma in depth to avoid freezing in the future.

Whatever your story is, it’s important to know that you matter. Your story matters.

Healing from Emotional Abuse

Emotional healing can happen in a variety of ways. Find the method that is most beneficial to you and will provide the best path toward growth and recovery. The healing process is a marathon, not a sprint. You might experience breakthrough realization, but usually, the healing process takes years of uncovering layers of painful memories.

Listed below are a few options to consider for your emotional healing journey.

Psychodynamic Psychotherapy

Psychodynamic psychotherapy is when a therapist listens to you in order to get a better understanding of your experience with trauma, specific defenses you have, and what you have made up about who you are because of the trauma.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

In CBT therapy, you will identify negative loops running in your mind, understand what triggers those negative feedback loops, and replace them with positive thinking. You can rewire your brain over time and replace the lies with God’s truth.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

EMDR was initially applied to soldiers with PTSD. Eventually, it was discovered it could be just as successful for anybody suffering from traumatic experiences. The therapist must first verify the client is a good candidate and then leads the client through the process to alleviate the stress surrounding the trauma.

There are many other recovery options available. The important part is to realize you don’t need to give up on your healing and that options exist to help you. Once you decide you want to become the healthiest version of yourself emotionally, set up an appointment with a Christian counselor to kickstart your recovery.