Great Expectations: Improving Communication in Marriage

We all enter relationships with an unspoken set of expectations. Marriage is no different, as many long for a sense of connection in what we often refer to as a soul mate. Since childhood, we have primed and practiced for what we believe will be our adult roles, having been trained by parents, the media, and society.

In addition to the happily-ever-after that accompanies the fairy tales of our youth, real-life examples influence our experiences. It may not be surprising that when potential mates arrive, we have subconsciously crafted and rehearsed a script of how we expect our lives and marriages to unfold.

While we may dream that we will insert the perfect person into our ideal vision, conflict startles us out of slumber. Immediately, we awaken to the notion that “two becoming one” is more than a poetic notion that we read in Scripture. It is Truth that undergirds and fuels a process.

In living out our vows with our husbands and wives, we embrace challenges and blessings, where we, as the Church, learn to regard our spouse through the eyes of our Savior, the Bridegroom. Though churches often champion marriage, they don’t always offer comprehensive insight during courtship, or the ongoing seasons of marriage.

Preparation for dating couples and ongoing revelation for those already married is essential. When we educate and enlighten believers about the scope and nuance of what “I do” means in marriage, we arm ourselves with the information to make wiser choices. From here, we can pivot and proceed in a new direction.

God works in our humble hearts to advance us, even when we feel underprepared or overwhelmed by our errors. As the architect who orchestrates good plans for His people, He offers the abundant grace to navigate the frustration of failed expectations and to reset our expectations and hope in Him.

Revise expectations

Many of our relational practices are adopted based on what we witnessed in our homes, watched on television and in movies, or even developed in our romantic history. While some of those habits and behaviors are healthy and reflect what we truly need, some are anchored in fantasy.

Dogmatically, we sometimes grip such ideals, hoping that our spouses will get the message and morph into what we have envisioned. Instead of affirming and inspiring our mate, the ensuing comparison has the potential to frustrate, insult, and demoralize. When we are making choices about how to navigate our marriage, we can shift course with the person we are married to and who we are.

It begins with submitting our expectations to God. Gathering His vision for marriage in general, and ours in particular, can help us to recalibrate, reset our expectations, and revise them to align with His Heart.

Positive, lasting change begins with authenticity in the present. It is not sustained by the hopes of whom we had conjured our spouse to become or by imagining ourselves on a pedestal of perfection. Our mates have their own sets of beliefs and behaviors that have informed their experiences before our vows.

Whether we realize it, those are as much a part of the marriage as the ideals we bring. In some respects, these expectations can be helpful for us to outline what we value. Other times, they can present a stumbling block.

If we aren’t willing to seek God and reimagine with Him and our spouse, then we could be creating a “Frankenstein” marriage, an amalgamation of what we have adopted from our previous influences. Creating our own, without guidance from the Creator, has the potential to result in a monster of a marriage that lacks the intentions God held for us when He brought us together.

Resolve trauma

Along with the good, we haul baggage into our marriages if we have not worked through residual trauma and lingering pain. Even if we have spoken at length about some of our memories and hopes during the various stages leading to marriage, it is naive for us to believe that we don’t bring anything negative with us.

In some respects, our spouses are graced to answer some of those needs. They enhance our experience of God’s healing with their unique presence. On the other hand, a troubled past provokes a desire to control our environment or other people when it seems that our needs remain unattended.

The fallout of trauma can create a myriad of codependent responses. We may engage in the following: people pleasing to trade favors, manipulating our partner with emotions, words, and actions, or even dishonoring our vows by disregarding our spouse’s boundaries.

Though we may not intend harm, soul-searing disappointment can burden marriages already cracking under the weight of unmet needs and failed expectations. The answer may not reside solely in revisiting the marriage, although that is important. We may need to seek individual counseling to address the places and past wounds where we projected expectations onto our spouse that only our healing journey could answer.

Reflect and respond

Part of maintaining our mental and emotional health includes our responsibility to cultivate awareness of our needs, and then communicate them with our spouse. Investing time in journaling, prayer, or individual counseling helps uncover what resides beneath the surface.

The self-awareness we develop in healing our pain not only enhances our confidence but also makes us able to pray effectively, targeting what needs changing. Receiving God’s grace and strength to make change enlarges our hearts to regard our spouses with compassion on their journey.

When we are better acquainted with our internal storm and the One who speaks peace to it, we are better positioned to empathize with our spouse’s personal needs and engage in communication about expectations.

Awareness and communication relieve pressure and guesswork, inviting us to come alongside one another as spouses instead of trying to be Savior to one another. The Holy Spirit will give wisdom to articulate what’s inside with those we love.

When we have the language to transparently share those needs, we must do so. We can further encourage intimacy by inviting our spouses into dialogue and expressing curiosity about their needs. Embracing these kinds of conversations allows us to share reflections, observations, and open-ended questions in a non-judgmental manner that nourishes connection and encourages intimacy.

Sometimes, we may not know what our marriage needs or what we need as individuals. If we lack the words to articulate, we can invite our mate to pray with and for us. God honors these prayers of intercession on behalf of our spouse.

The Holy Spirit doesn’t make us mind readers, exempting us from effective communication; but He will offer wisdom when we seek Him and ask. He can give the insight and sensitivity needed to engage us and our spouses in significant ways that help us reconnect with Him and one another.

We nurture and strengthen our vows when we establish, prioritize, and honor communication and intentional connection. Making minute, but impactful pivots results in changes that have the potential to enhance or detract from our connection.

Recognizing that our spouse’s needs differ from ours is an important step in re-envisioning them as created by God for a purpose that blesses us as we learn to embrace our unique design and His intended desire for our marriage. Learning to see one another through the lens of the Creator and the cord that binds us together is essential to navigating needs and revising our expectations to align with God’s plans.

Next Steps

The work that makes a couple stronger is a contribution of not just effort, but also the understanding that the Holy Spirit facilitates. God has also made provision for counselors to walk you through the difficulties that have led to failed expectations and heightened disappointment.

Use the resources on this site to locate and schedule with a counselor. You cannot undo situations where your expectations may have failed and produced disappointment. You can, however, get up to launch in a new direction in the adventure that God is inviting you into with your mate, and ultimately, with Him.