When You Are a Perfectionist

There’s a lot of satisfaction that comes from doing things right, whether that’s making a textbook 3-point jump shot, acing your driver’s test, or turning in a stellar term paper. Doing things with excellence is great, but being a perfectionist can hinder a person’s well-being. It’s typically called maladaptive perfectionism, and it’s often accompanied by issues like obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, anxiety, and eating disorders.

Coming to grips with being a perfectionist

Perfectionism is when a person sets an impossibly high standard that strains them to meet it. Further, a person with perfectionist tendencies will often believe that if they turn in something less than absolutely perfect, it’s a disaster and it implies that they and whatever they are working on is a total failure. A perfectionist thus struggles to make mistakes, which is extremely stressful.

When a person is a perfectionist, it often means they are highly critical of themselves. It also means that they will be highly controlling of situations and people in order to get the results they want. Perfectionism thus often functions as something of a two-edged weapon – it can help a person accomplish many things as they push themselves to excel, but it can also hinder them in various ways.

Some of the roots of perfectionism include a great fear of failure, and they are driven by that fear. Fear pushes them toward their goals, which can often mean being highly stressed by the process. Additionally, perfectionism may be an unhealthy way of responding to feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, or difficult childhood experiences. It may also be driven by the desire to avoid punishment.

Walking toward freedom from perfectionism

Being a perfectionist can have many negative effects on a person’s well-being. The all-or-nothing mindset that often accompanies perfectionism means that even great successes can be rejected because they don’t meet an impossibly high standard. It can also make one procrastinate because there is so much worry about doing the right thing and not making a mistake that they hesitate to get started. This can result in low productivity.

Being a perfectionist can also result in damaged personal and work relationships because of their controlling behavior. Perfectionism can lead to deep emotional and psychological distress as a result of setting impossibly high standards. Being aware of the dangers of perfectionism is but one of the elements in the process of overcoming it.

If a person intends to overcome maladaptive perfectionism, they need to implement a combination of self-awareness, shifts in their mindset, and putting particular intentional practices in place. Below are some steps to help one overcome maladaptive perfectionism.

Recognize and accept your perfectionism

It’s one thing to have high standards, and quite another to be a perfectionist. If you have trouble meeting your own standards, if trying to meet those standards causes distress, and if your standards get in the way of completing your tasks, it could be due to being a perfectionist.

It is important to identify how perfectionism is impacting your life and acknowledge its negative effects.

Identify distorted thinking patterns

It’s important to identify and challenge all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, and catastrophizing when it shows up in your thinking.

Practice some self-compassion

A perfectionist will often be highly self-critical. Instead, treat yourself gently with grace, understanding, and kindness.

Embrace imperfection

This can mean taking steps like embracing realistic thinking and regaining some perspective. Recognize that nobody is perfect, and making mistakes is part of how we learn and grow. Just as a person who wants to overcome certain fears can gradually expose themselves to them, you can also place yourself in those situations you fear, like sending an email with mistakes or being late.

Set realistic goals and standards

Perfectionism can often result in procrastination because the task is huge and daunting. Break down your goals into smaller, achievable steps, and start taking on a mindset that prioritizes progress over perfection. Having a realistic schedule and clear priorities can be a huge help.

Focus on the process, not just the outcome

A perfectionist can become so invested in the outcome and results that everything else stops mattering. Instead, change your mindset and slow down enough to find value and meaning in the journey, not just the destination or outcomes.

Develop a growth mindset

Alongside becoming more alive to the process and what you learn along the way, having a growth mindset can also make a huge difference. Instead of an all-or-nothing mindset where it’s either perfect or a total failure, view challenges and failures as opportunities for growth and learning. Mistakes can be steppingstones to greater depth and learning, and so should be embraced.

Practice mindfulness and self-care

Perfectionism will often affect a person’s well-being because of the focus on outcomes. It can be a huge source of stress and anxiety, and sometimes a person will sacrifice their well-being (and perhaps that of others) to accomplish a goal. Take time to attend to your physical, emotional, and mental needs and well-being.

Make use of positive self-talk

Another part of being kind to yourself is changing the script of self-talk that’s in your head. Perfectionists are often highly critical, especially of themselves. Instead of calling yourself names like ‘failure’, ‘lazy’, or any number of things, recognize that you’re only human, you’re going to make mistakes and it’s okay. You’re learning, and you’re getting better, and that’s alright.

Don’t compare yourself to others

It’s been said before that comparison is the thief of joy, and it can also fuel perfectionism. It’s one thing to appreciate the gifts and capacities of others, and quite another to set goals to be just like them. Seek to be a better version of yourself, and not merely an imitation of another person. Embrace who you are, and who the Lord has made you to be.

Be mindful

A perfectionist will often find themselves caught up thinking about the past or the future. It may be dwelling on past mistakes or worrying about meeting future goals. Either way, what’s missing from this equation is being alive to the present and all the possibilities the present moment holds. Being able to practice mindfulness helps you appreciate and remain grounded in the here and now.

Celebrate progress and successes

The problem with being a perfectionist is that successes tend to be moments of great anxiety and simply breathing a sigh of relief, and not of out-and-out celebration. That’s what happens when you’re pushed by fear rather than drawn to accomplish your goals. Take the time to acknowledge and celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they may seem.

Instead of focusing only on the results and on hitting your goal, celebrating your progress also helps you to enjoy the fact of striving and growing as it’s happening. This will allow you to be happy even if you come face to face with an unmet goal. When things don’t work out, you can still take pleasure in the process you’ve undergone.

Don’t be afraid of criticism

Often, low self-esteem will result in taking any form of criticism personally. However, constructive criticism is meant to help you be better at whatever you’re doing. It can be hard, but a mind shift in which you begin to embrace criticism, not as a personal attack, but as a way to improve yourself, can make a world of difference in your life.

Seek support

Perfectionism can leave you feeling isolated. It can also break relationships if being controlling gets in the way of engaging with others. Let the people in your life know your struggles with perfectionism. Sharing those struggles can create room for accountability as well as compassion.

Christian counseling when you are a perfectionist

Apart from sharing what you’re going through with trusted friends and family, you can also talk to a mental health professional such as a therapist or counselor at Los Angeles Christian Counseling in California. Perfectionism is often rooted in past hurts or a false conception of who you are and what gives you value as a person. These unhelpful thoughts need to be challenged and replaced with healthy thoughts and behaviors.

Your counselor in Los Angeles will help you identify and challenge these unhelpful thoughts, and work with you on the journey of building healthy habits of thought and behavior in their place. Contact our office today at Los Angeles Christian Counseling in California to schedule a risk-free assessment.