What is Codependency? Signs, Causes, and Treatment

What is codependency, anyway? Codependency was a term first coined to refer to spouses of those dealing with addiction, mostly alcoholics.

However, the concept has grown much larger in its scope over time as researchers have found that codependency seems to be more prevalent in the general public. Now, codependency is understood to be a person whose emotions, actions, and thoughts are centered around someone or something.

What is codependency?

A basic and general definition of codependency is a dysfunctional relationship where one person sacrifices their own needs or interests in order to satisfy the psychological or emotional needs of the other person. As you can see, this creates an unfair, one-sided relationship.

Determining a full or comprehensive definition is difficult because theorists don’t fully agree. Some of the main theories can be found in the list below:

• The response of a person who is in a relationship with someone who is chemically dependent, addicted, or in a dysfunctional family
• A personality disorder
• A learned behavioral response passed down from observing and modeling of such behavior of other family members
• A pattern of dependency in need of approval from others in order to feel a sense of security, identity, or self-worth
• The need or compulsion to rescue or caretake others, essentially making yourself responsible for the happiness of others

While these theories vary, they all share a theme of giving away love, control, or care from improper motivations. Codependency is a way for someone to avoid a sense of rejection while seeking to find their value through the love and care they are able to give to other people.

Codependency rarely defines a person, most of the time we see codependent tendencies alongside healthier patterns. The problem is that codependency is typically progressive and if left unaddressed, can cause major issues in the relationship.

What does codependency look like?

Codependency can span all sorts of relationships. Some of the most common places it can be seen are in romantic relationships, families, friendships, professional contexts, and religious affiliations. Due to the broad nature of codependency, it has the potential to show up in almost any area of your life.

Codependency consists of a wide array of symptoms and will vary from person to person. Below is a list of common thoughts or feelings that can indicate a one-sided or codependent relationship. As you read this list, step back and think about whether you identify with any of the statements.

• You often obsess or worry about the relationship or person
• You regularly tiptoe around them because you are afraid what they might say, do, feel, or act.
• You struggle to be fully honest or direct when talking to them.
• You feel you need to give in otherwise there will not be peace in the relationship.
• You take the blame to protect them and make things right for them when things go wrong.
• You give more than you get in the relationship, and things don’t feel mutual.
• If you want to deal with conflict, you need to be first to admit wrong or apologize.
• You have to barter with the person either threatening or promising good things for the other person to “do what is best for them.”
• You feel a deep need for recognition and approval and are hurt if you don’t receive it.
• You have the tendency of neglecting yourself while caring for other people.
• You struggle to rest and feel guilty when you do.
• You find it hard to trust yourself and others.
• You wrestle with insecurity and low self-esteem.
• You are afraid of abandonment or being alone.
• You have difficulty in identifying feelings or emotions
• You don’t know how to or struggle with boundaries and intimacy.
• You are indecisive and have a hard time making decisions.

Checking one or two of the items on this list is common and doesn’t mean you are codependent, but if you resonated with a fair amount of the symptoms, then codependency may be a more serious reality in your life.

Since codependency is so broad, it’s important to realize that no two codependent people will have the same early life experiences or codependent behavior. Everyone’s codependent tendencies will be unique and manifest differently.

How does codependency occur?

While giving everything you have to someone else might sound romantic, if it’s rooted in an inability to care for or love yourself, then there is a problem. It shouldn’t be surprising that their inability to properly take care of themselves emotionally makes them unable to care for others in a healthy way.

“Love your neighbor as yourself” takes on a new meaning when you consider that love for others can be rooted in unhealthy places and a lack of love for yourself. That being said, codependents typically treat others differently than they treat themselves. Instead of neglecting them, they love them how they imagine they want to be loved, whole-hearted and all-consumingly.

An unresolved sense of self-love shapes how someone treats those they care about. If inner needs haven’t been dealt with, then there may be childhood or early family wounds and losses inside that are causing problems. These childhood wounds do not go away in adulthood and often begin to manifest in adults later in life.

Examining our early life patterns and experiences can give us tremendous insight into how and why we behave in certain ways, especially in unhealthy codependent ways. Some of these childhood elements can include: genetics, needs being unmet, attachment styles, modeled boundaries, experiences of loss and grief, living in fear or a sense of insecurity, emotional wounds, shame, and secrets.

Everyone one of these factors is present in every person and contributes to their character, personality, and ways of relating to other people. The good news is that even though these factors shape our strengths, weaknesses, resiliency, and attitudes, we can grow and learn from them. By diving into our pasts and finding old, unhealed wounds, we have the opportunity to find restoration through the person and work of Jesus Christ.

Healthy love model

God intends relationships to be mutual, with both people giving, loving, and caring for each other as well as pushing and strengthening each other. As Proverb 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”

One-sided relationships are not good because they aren’t mutually enriching. However, in many Christian communities, there is a misconception around want it means to love. People believe love is unwavering in commitment, sacrificial in nature, and means we must deny ourselves.

Verses like Acts 20:35 “it is more blessed to give than to receive” and John 15:13 “greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends” become the foundations of these notions.

While at times love is sacrificial and comes at a cost, it’s also not a fully accurate picture of what the Bible has to say about love. It’s common for Christians to miss the other half of the equation when it comes to love and relationships.

Scripture doesn’t teach us to exist in imbalanced relationships. Rather, it highlights mutually enriching aspects like showing mercy and forgiveness (1 Peter 4:8) while still making people accountable for their actions. (Matthew 18:15); being generous (Romans 12:20) but still being prudent to avoid hindering someone’s growth (2 Thessalonians 3:10); not holding grudges (1 Corinthians 13:5) while remaining honest about our feelings and experiences (Ephesians 4:15).

The Bible makes it very clear that balanced and reciprocal relationships are important. These relationships require shared acceptance, sacrifice, and responsibility.

What now?

Maybe reading this article has been a bit uncomfortable as you recognize certain patterns in your life? Don’t panic. Instead, step back and let yourself reflect on what you can now see. It’s okay. You can reset patterns, but it will require time and practice. Here are some simple reminders as you continue to examine your life and move forward trying to set healthier patterns:

• Accept the truth. Don’t fight it. Own what you observe in yourself and in your relationships. Honesty is pivotal as you take steps toward healing.
• Keep loving! Don’t stop loving people. Most likely, not all the love you give is connected to codependent issues. A lot of your relationships may be genuine and good. What you have to do is starting identifying the health patterns so you can change them.
• No blaming. Don’t play the blame game. As you begin to notice difficult patterns in your life, it is natural to blame yourself or other people, but this isn’t helpful. Instead, keep your eyes forward to a future where you can live differently than you are living now.
• You first! Growth and change are difficult, especially in relationships. It is tempting to wait until the other person starts to change before we start to take any real action. But don’t wait. Own your healing and recognize that you can’t change anyone but yourself. The shift in perspective is an important part of overcoming codependency. Rewiring a relationship is hard and takes time, but you are only in charge of your own behavior and growth.
• Be gentle and kind to yourself. Seeing our whole self — the good and the bad — can be frightening. But remember that through the discomfort, we are able to grow and experience greater freedom. Healing and change do not happen overnight and often feel like you take two steps back for every one step forward. Don’t forget to be compassionate to yourself on the journey.

Treatment for Codependency

A helpful next step on your journey of healing might be to meet with a Christian counselor. They will be able to help identify codependent tendencies. Counselors offer an objective and professional perspective on your life and can help you grow out of unhealthy patterns and ways of interacting with people you love.

A counselor can help dig into prior relationships and lessons you learned in childhood that may be contributing to your codependency. Meeting with a Christian counselor can help you rediscover who you are and implement healthy alternative behaviors to replace old patterns of self-defeat.

It is possible to find a new sense of love, security, and freedom in your life as you learn to love in more balanced ways. If you feel like you struggle with codependency in your life, we encourage you to seek out a counselor who you connect with, so you can begin your healing journey and step away from codependency.