Questions and Cold Feet: Practical Encouragement and Premarital Counseling

Premarital counseling during an engagement period is designed to build on the foundation being formed for future marriage. We may feel elated that we’ve found the person who will take the next major relationship step with us in life. That alone is worthy of celebration, but it is the beginning of preparation for adventures that lie ahead.

Aspects of premarital counseling

While we may be eager to advance into our next life season, we may vacillate between enthusiasm and apprehension concerning the weightiness of this life decision. We aren’t the first to experience this, as it is fairly common for individuals to experience cold feet or entertain questions about moving forward into marriage.

Marriage is a major life move that impacts our entire life like no other decision outside of following Jesus as Savior. This can produce some hesitation or internal misgivings about marriage, especially if previous experiences have left the residue of unresolved trauma or unhealed pain in its wake.

Some of us may sense that one party isn’t as ready as we thought for a lifelong covenant. Others among us may also wonder if we are suitable for one another as marriage partners. It matters that we not only have a quality candidate but also become the best we can be at this point in our preparation as a future husband or wife.

Entertaining questions

Seeking the Lord is the best we can do for ourselves and our relationship. Taking time to explore and to be certain before the marriage is worth the investment in premarital counseling. At the onset of many wedding ceremonies, a preamble admonishes couples that the marital covenant isn’t one to be entered into lightly.

We can consider that same notion now, while seriously dating, courting, or moving into an exclusive connection such as engagement. Scripture tells us, “Count up the costs,” which will give as much insight as we can gather while we are still on the single side (Luke 14:28).

There is no way to know everything about anyone in advance, but the peace of God will sustain us as we seek Him and commune with our hearts (Proverbs 3:5-6: Psalm 4:4). The Holy Spirit encounters us in moments of stillness, fully knowing our heart and that of the person we plan to walk with in marriage.

With the Spirit of Wisdom and Understanding, we can be uncompromisingly honest and ask our questions (Isaiah 11:2). God leads us into all truth, directing our paths into the Father’s design for our experience and enjoyment (John 16:13). If we wander off track, the Holy Spirit is faithful to reroute, recalculating our steps and positioning us to intersect with divine destiny (Hebrews 12:9-10).

Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know. – Jeremiah 33:3, NASB

Inviting clarity

Our hearts aren’t disposable, so requesting God’s guidance is paramount where our emotions or temporal circumstances could distort our view. Let’s be transparent, acknowledging that many engagements often end in marriage, but some don’t. This may seem painful or awkward if we have enjoyed friendship and dating, but accelerating into marriage for a public appearance or the naïve idea that all will be resolved after the ceremony doesn’t serve us or our fiancé well.

Whether parting ways or deciding to delay marriage, inviting the Holy Spirit’s wisdom and peace to guide and influence during engagement and premarital counseling may avert the agony and expense of future heartbreak.

Premarital counseling blesses us with clarity and grace to make personal changes, with support and without judgment. Furthermore, it can act as a springboard for revelation and enables fresh encounters with the Lord. The Holy Spirit equips us to uproot areas that have the potential to poison our relationship.

Connecting with a counselor can highlight areas where we may need to renew our minds and pivot into practices that will enhance our future marriage. Premarital counseling can furnish us with the techniques and tools that make us better people and partners, whether or not we remain with the one we imagined.

Covenant and the crucible

Marriage has the potential to resemble a crucible. When heat is applied, it can produce discomfort as we co-exist with contradictions in ourselves and our partners. While we may experience some friction at one point or another, impurities will rise to the surface and need to be skimmed away.

Yet, the covenant being formed holds the potential to reveal what is brilliant and beautiful in our future marriage. The Holy Spirit knows how to engage us in this transformative process, but premarital counseling can provide what’s needed to prepare in that direction.

It takes time and effort, plus our willingness to let patience have its perfect, full, complete, mature, and work of wholeness (James 1:4). That may mean that we modify our pace on the road to the altar.

We don’t have to subscribe to a societal standard or a timeline for what marital preparation should resemble. Premarital counseling can support us in prioritizing our individual and joint needs as a couple. A trained, yet empathetic counselor will recognize this and assist us with navigating our questions and cold feet, yet with the Holy Spirit’s counsel and help.

And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. – James 1:4, ESV

Creating space, clearing clutter

Every problem that an engaged couple experiences doesn’t signal the end of their road to the altar. It can signal a detour to avoid destruction. Counseling isn’t solely focused on digging up problem areas but also creates space for creative collaboration. When we engage with a professional for premarital counseling, the counselor will provide objective insight where we have blind spots.

A counselor’s practiced guidance will prove useful when we have been hesitant to address challenges. Premarital counseling can foster a safe space that facilitates connection, communication, and interpersonal skills that cause our relationship and eventual marriage to thrive.

Before we recite our vows, we likely have had conversations with God, ourselves, and others about how we intend our forever partnership to be. These expectations could be positive, nobly highlighting areas that we aspire to and want to elevate as our standard for marital success. Though well-intentioned, our expectations may collide with that of our future spouse.

Expectations are bound to encounter disruption, as God often brings us to a more abundant outcome than the one we’d envisioned. Premarital counseling allows us to acknowledge, explore, weigh, and flex our expectations as we respond to the same in our fiancé.

Premarital counseling doesn’t only reveal anticipation, but also where we guard negative expectations. This may represent where we’ve formed vows as a defense mechanism to shield ourselves from disappointment and damage. While we may have hidden our hearts behind protective walls, those enclosures suffocate us from receiving what we need in connection.

In marriage, we will encounter opportunities to deconstruct barriers and connect; or follow the alternate route, closing ourselves off from the one who desires intimacy with us. Premarital counseling can clear the clutter of heart vows that would otherwise sabotage our marriage before we take the next step.

Next steps

Investing in premarital counseling gives you and your future mate the opportunity to discover God’s design and desire for your union. There is nothing haphazard about God connecting you with all that’s needed to thrive.

Entertaining curiosity concerning marriage as a major decision reveals your heart as a kingdom son or daughter interested in listening for the still Voice of the Lord. Explore the resources on this site and schedule with a counselor. Allow the Holy Spirit’s confidence to navigate your course, even in the presence of questions and cold feet.