Finding Help for Coping with Infidelity

Building a successful relationship requires that you put in time and effort. Unfortunately, there’s a misconception in our society that a long-term and successful relationship can happen without putting in some serious work. The idea is that if it is hard in any way, then it must not be the right relationship for you. Successful relationships require a deep investment. Surely, when that effort is made, you hope it pays off through the relationship flourishing.

Therefore, it can be heartbreaking when infidelity sneaks in and damages your relationship. An affair causes confusion, hurt, and many questions about what happened and why. When a couple is coping with infidelity, it can be comforting to know that it is possible to weather the storm and emerge with a stronger relationship. An important piece of this is finding help.

What is infidelity?

Infidelity exists on a continuum, and it’s not always clear what constitutes an affair. For the spouse who cheated or is contemplating cheating, this ambiguity can be used to justify wrong and disguise it as something else.

Each couple has its boundaries about what constitutes appropriate behavior in their relationship. Part of why infidelity can be ambiguous is that sometimes these boundaries are not laid out explicitly, and it takes an affair to make it clear where the line is.

The other reason why infidelity is on a continuum is that some behaviors could be innocent enough on their own. However, when you put them in a larger context and explore motives, it becomes clear that an issue is present. Emotional disclosure with a person who isn’t your spouse is not a bad thing in itself, but if you find yourself enjoying the connection and keeping it a secret from your spouse, that may signal that something more is going on.

An affair can be quite subtle. Because our hearts are deceitful and can lead us astray (Jeremiah 17:9), it is better to err on the side of caution. Accountability with your spouse is key. Some acts of infidelity are obvious, such as a sexual relationship, flirting, or an undisclosed porn habit.

You can also check yourself by asking if the relationship you have with someone is something your spouse knows about in detail, including how you feel about the person and your contact with them. An emotional affair can be as potent as a sexual relationship.

How does an affair affect a couple and their relationship?

Whether a secret, long-term love affair or a one-time drunken hookup, when an affair comes to light, it is one of the most heartbreaking and devastating crises that a relationship can endure. The most obvious consequence of an affair is that it shatters the trust in a relationship. An affair is one of the deepest betrayals that one person could subject another person to.

When an affair happens, it can affect a couple and their relationship in several ways. They may begin to question the foundation of the relationship. Broken trust between spouses impacts emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy.

It lowers self-esteem, increases anxiety, and can cause an uptick in depressive symptoms for one or both spouses. Both may wonder about the possibility of separation or divorce, and certainly, there is trauma for the partner who was cheated on.

Each individual and couple are unique, as are the circumstances surrounding the affair. How each will respond to the revelation of an affair will vary and cannot be predicted. Help is required for anyone coping with infidelity.

Coping with Infidelity in a Healthy Way

Whether you are the one receiving or committing infidelity, there are constructive and healthy ways of dealing with that, as well as unhealthy ones. Instead of compounding the problems caused by an affair, it is better by far to try and tackle the affair and its fallout. Unhealthy coping mechanisms include turning to alcohol, gambling, or other risky behaviors, as well as having an affair as a means of revenge.

If you are the spouse who had an affair, there are steps you must take. They may include:

Deciding with your spouse what the future of your relationship is Discernment counseling can help you and your spouse determine your course of action.

End the affair if it isn’t over already A secret relationship can trigger the same neurochemical response as gambling, substance abuse, or other addictions. Ending the relationship and being aware of how it affects you is a good step toward finding healing.

Acknowledge what you did Name the affair as just that, and recognize the damage it has done to you, your spouse, your relationship, and other people around you who are affected by your actions. This is not about the blame game or piling on guilt; it is about reckoning with the very real consequences of your actions.

Apologize to your spouse The person most directly harmed by your actions is your spouse. Let them know that you see them, the pain your actions have caused, and that you are willing to turn away (repent) from what happened.

Be accountable Be willing to be held accountable and to answer questions about what happened. Your spouse may want to know who the affair was with, how long it has been taking place, how you feel about the person, and whether it is over. This act of honesty and transparency is a start to rebuilding trust.

Speak to the why Begin addressing the reasons behind the affair, such as loneliness, poor boundaries, lack of emotional self-care, or inability to handle difficult emotions well. This might involve going for individual counseling.

Recognize that your relationship will be affected Sex with your spouse after the discovery of an affair might be triggering, so do not put any pressure on them or that part of your relationship. Sex might also increase, but that may be a result of deep-seated insecurities and fear of further infidelity.

Rebuild your relationship with your spouse It takes time to rebuild trust, including ongoing accountability and transparency, which may include giving your spouse access to your devices.

For the spouse who was cheated on, coping with infidelity will look different from that of the spouse who cheated. You can decide for yourself if you want to continue in this relationship; discernment counseling can help you in this regard. Finding healing may include:

Acknowledging that the affair was real and happened Denial, which is a part of grief, might lead you to make excuses for your spouse or even pretend that what happened did not happen.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings An affair may bring about PTSD, grief, anger, and increased anxiety.

Do not make any rash decisions Instead of rushing to file divorce papers, take time to sit with your feelings and come to terms with what has happened and what it might mean for your relationship.

Ask “why” and pay attention to the answers you receive It may be hard to explore your spouse’s reasons for cheating, but doing so gives you insight into where they are and how they view your relationship. You do not need the sordid details about the affair itself. However, understanding the nature of it and why it happened will help you decide whether you want to work on the relationship, and what weaknesses may have existed in your relationship.

Begin the work of rebuilding if that is what you choose. Finding trust again after an affair is possible, but it is hard work for both spouses.

Coping with Infidelity After an Affair

An affair is a devastating experience for a relationship. It undermines trust and is a deep betrayal. Not all couples survive the damaging impact of an affair, and that is especially so if one or both of the spouses do not want to put in the effort to grieve, transform, and work together toward healing. Discernment counseling can help a couple figure out if they’re on the same page about the next steps for their relationship.

If both partners are ready to take ownership of the relationship, including what happened and what comes next, they can rebuild the relationship and make it stronger. Through robust Christian marriage counseling, a couple can strengthen their foundation with better communication, deeper intimacy, and connection. If you need help coping with infidelity, call our offices today, and we will connect you with a qualified counselor.

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Building a successful relationship requires that you put in time and effort. Unfortunately, there’s a misconception in our society that a long-term and successful relationship can happen without putting in some serious work. The idea is that if it is hard in any way, then it must not be the right relationship for you. Successful relationships require a deep investment. Surely, when that effort is made, you hope it pays off through the relationship flourishing.

Therefore, it can be heartbreaking when infidelity sneaks in and damages your relationship. An affair causes confusion, hurt, and many questions about what happened and why. When a couple is coping with infidelity, it can be comforting to know that it is possible to weather the storm and emerge with a stronger relationship. An important piece of this is finding help.

What is infidelity?

Infidelity exists on a continuum, and it’s not always clear what constitutes an affair. For the spouse who cheated or is contemplating cheating, this ambiguity can be used to justify wrong and disguise it as something else.

Each couple has its boundaries about what constitutes appropriate behavior in their relationship. Part of why infidelity can be ambiguous is that sometimes these boundaries are not laid out explicitly, and it takes an affair to make it clear where the line is.

The other reason why infidelity is on a continuum is that some behaviors could be innocent enough on their own. However, when you put them in a larger context and explore motives, it becomes clear that an issue is present. Emotional disclosure with a person who isn’t your spouse is not a bad thing in itself, but if you find yourself enjoying the connection and keeping it a secret from your spouse, that may signal that something more is going on.

An affair can be quite subtle. Because our hearts are deceitful and can lead us astray (Jeremiah 17:9), it is better to err on the side of caution. Accountability with your spouse is key. Some acts of infidelity are obvious, such as a sexual relationship, flirting, or an undisclosed porn habit.

You can also check yourself by asking if the relationship you have with someone is something your spouse knows about in detail, including how you feel about the person and your contact with them. An emotional affair can be as potent as a sexual relationship.

How does an affair affect a couple and their relationship?

Whether a secret, long-term love affair or a one-time drunken hookup, when an affair comes to light, it is one of the most heartbreaking and devastating crises that a relationship can endure. The most obvious consequence of an affair is that it shatters the trust in a relationship. An affair is one of the deepest betrayals that one person could subject another person to.

When an affair happens, it can affect a couple and their relationship in several ways. They may begin to question the foundation of the relationship. Broken trust between spouses impacts emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy.

It lowers self-esteem, increases anxiety, and can cause an uptick in depressive symptoms for one or both spouses. Both may wonder about the possibility of separation or divorce, and certainly, there is trauma for the partner who was cheated on.

Each individual and couple are unique, as are the circumstances surrounding the affair. How each will respond to the revelation of an affair will vary and cannot be predicted. Help is required for anyone coping with infidelity.

Coping with Infidelity in a Healthy Way

Whether you are the one receiving or committing infidelity, there are constructive and healthy ways of dealing with that, as well as unhealthy ones. Instead of compounding the problems caused by an affair, it is better by far to try and tackle the affair and its fallout. Unhealthy coping mechanisms include turning to alcohol, gambling, or other risky behaviors, as well as having an affair as a means of revenge.

If you are the spouse who had an affair, there are steps you must take. They may include:

Deciding with your spouse what the future of your relationship is Discernment counseling can help you and your spouse determine your course of action.

End the affair if it isn’t over already A secret relationship can trigger the same neurochemical response as gambling, substance abuse, or other addictions. Ending the relationship and being aware of how it affects you is a good step toward finding healing.

Acknowledge what you did Name the affair as just that, and recognize the damage it has done to you, your spouse, your relationship, and other people around you who are affected by your actions. This is not about the blame game or piling on guilt; it is about reckoning with the very real consequences of your actions.

Apologize to your spouse The person most directly harmed by your actions is your spouse. Let them know that you see them, the pain your actions have caused, and that you are willing to turn away (repent) from what happened.

Be accountable Be willing to be held accountable and to answer questions about what happened. Your spouse may want to know who the affair was with, how long it has been taking place, how you feel about the person, and whether it is over. This act of honesty and transparency is a start to rebuilding trust.

Speak to the why Begin addressing the reasons behind the affair, such as loneliness, poor boundaries, lack of emotional self-care, or inability to handle difficult emotions well. This might involve going for individual counseling.

Recognize that your relationship will be affected Sex with your spouse after the discovery of an affair might be triggering, so do not put any pressure on them or that part of your relationship. Sex might also increase, but that may be a result of deep-seated insecurities and fear of further infidelity.

Rebuild your relationship with your spouse It takes time to rebuild trust, including ongoing accountability and transparency, which may include giving your spouse access to your devices.

For the spouse who was cheated on, coping with infidelity will look different from that of the spouse who cheated. You can decide for yourself if you want to continue in this relationship; discernment counseling can help you in this regard. Finding healing may include:

Acknowledging that the affair was real and happened Denial, which is a part of grief, might lead you to make excuses for your spouse or even pretend that what happened did not happen.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings An affair may bring about PTSD, grief, anger, and increased anxiety.

Do not make any rash decisions Instead of rushing to file divorce papers, take time to sit with your feelings and come to terms with what has happened and what it might mean for your relationship.

Ask “why” and pay attention to the answers you receive It may be hard to explore your spouse’s reasons for cheating, but doing so gives you insight into where they are and how they view your relationship. You do not need the sordid details about the affair itself. However, understanding the nature of it and why it happened will help you decide whether you want to work on the relationship, and what weaknesses may have existed in your relationship.

Begin the work of rebuilding if that is what you choose. Finding trust again after an affair is possible, but it is hard work for both spouses.

Moving Forward After an Affair

An affair is a devastating experience for a relationship. It undermines trust and is a deep betrayal. Not all couples survive the damaging impact of an affair, and that is especially so if one or both of the spouses do not want to put in the effort to grieve, transform, and work together toward healing. Discernment counseling can help a couple figure out if they’re on the same page about the next steps for their relationship.

If both partners are ready to take ownership of the relationship, including what happened and what comes next, they can rebuild the relationship and make it stronger. Through robust Christian marriage counseling, a couple can strengthen their foundation with better communication, deeper intimacy, and connection. If you need help coping with infidelity, call our offices today, and we will connect you with a qualified counselor.