How to Forgive Yourself: Why We Struggle with Self-Forgiveness

It may take years to properly forgive someone who has hurt you and find closure to a situation that caused you harm. But what happens when the person at fault is you? Often the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. We may live with constant reminders of harsh words we said, terrible choices we made, or regrettable actions we did. How do you forgive yourself and move on from the guilt, and why do we find it so hard to forgive ourselves?

Why you struggle to forgive yourself

When we forgive someone, we are saying “You might not deserve to get away with this, but I am letting it go and no longer expect anything from you”. It is a process of relief and release. It might even be a simple process. Maybe your best friend forgot your birthday, and while they could be upset with themselves, you easily forgive them. They are human and you identify with them because you are also forgetful at times. No harm, no foul.

It is often easier for us to see other people as simply flawed and capable of making many mistakes. But it can be remarkably difficult for us to take the same view of ourselves and let ourselves off the hook for the small things. This is called exceptionalism. It is when we hold ourselves to a higher standard of responsibility than those around us. It is the brother of perfectionism, and something many of us do.

The problem with holding ourselves to such high standards is that we are human, and we make mistakes. If we are allowing ourselves no margin for error, then we live in a very narrow comfort zone where we can only ever be nice, do good, and make wise choices. Sadly, life is just not that simple, and when we stumble, we need to be able to pick ourselves up and move on.

Another common block to self-forgiveness is expansionism. This is where we expand the area of our responsibility to encompass places that we are not responsible for. How often do you find yourself apologizing for things that are not your fault?

For example, you might notice that your spouse left for work without taking an umbrella. When you find out later that they got wet on the way to work, you apologize for it. It is not your fault that it rained and that they got wet, but you feel responsible for it.

There is an important difference between empathy and expansionism. You cannot help being an empath because that is part of your personality make-up, and it is a good thing. You feel other people’s pain and it affects your emotions.

But you are not responsible for their feelings. By always repeating “I’m sorry” in response to their problems, there is a real chance that you are encoding your thought process to expand to areas that you are not, and should not be, responsible for.

A third obstacle to self-forgiveness many people experience is confirmation bias. Struggling to forgive yourself and move past an issue may show that you have low self-esteem. Sometimes failure or “sin” is so ingrained in our self-image that it is almost impossible to forgive ourselves. Who are we without taking the blame for something?

If you have thoughts like “Trust an idiot like me to do a thing like that”, or “Of course, I messed it all up. I knew I would”, then this reveals that you have a confirmation bias. Every failure just confirms the negative feelings you have for yourself.

When we forgive others, we release them from our expectations, and may even cease to have any contact with them. In that way, we experience closure and can move on. When it comes to self-forgiveness, we do not have that option; we are forced to live with ourselves.

It can be hard to live with ourselves if we are experiencing self-loathing, guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger, disappointment, and regret. We might try to ignore and repress these powerful emotions, but that only means we are not forgiving ourselves and cannot move on from these feelings.

Fake self-forgiveness

One thing many people do that circumvents self-forgiveness is “forgiving” ourselves too easily. This is when, at the first twinge of feelings of guilt, regret, embarrassment, or shame, we let ourselves off the hook. We minimize our role in the events that caused these feelings, shift the blame elsewhere, and deny responsibility.

We do this because we do not want to experience the negative emotions associated with knowing that we caused harm. It has an illusion of freeing us, as true forgiveness truly does, but it is merely a diversion tactic. Doing this will not lead you to repair any harm you may have done, and you will not process how you might become a better person. Fake self-forgiveness also leads to emotional manipulation and gaslighting, seeing as someone else will end up taking the blame for the wrongs you have done.

Genuine forgiveness requires you to confront and acknowledge both the consequences of your actions and the negative emotions that arise out of them. It is as we process these uncomfortable, squirmy emotions that we look in the mirror and see ourselves. This is not a pleasant process for many, but pretending that we’re fine, ignoring what we’ve done, or assuming blame for things we haven’t done are not ways to freedom and healing.

How to forgive yourself, genuinely

Self-forgiveness is linked to self-worth. As we begin to accept the consequences of our actions, we begin to see that we are not worthless people for doing something bad. The reality is that we are all complex, with many hurts and damaged areas that need healing, and there may be a long path to finding wholeness.

Along the journey, we will mess up, hurt others, and might damage ourselves more. This does not mean we are bad or worthless; it means we are broken, capable of growth, and worth the effort.

We see this in scripture. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23 NASB) is balanced with “He is mindful that we are but dust” (Psalms 103:14 NASB). We also know that “For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son…” (John 3:16 NASB). God is simultaneously aware of our weakness and our worth; we are weak and will fall, but we are valuable enough to redeem with His everything.

The first step to self-forgiveness is to accept that you still have dignity, value, and worth, despite causing harm to others through your actions, and despite making costly mistakes by your choices. You may have messed up repetitively, but you are no less valuable for it. Your worth is determined by your Maker, not your actions.

Secondly, it is important to acknowledge the harm you have done. There is no true forgiveness where there is no admission of guilt. We might prefer to avoid accountability, but facing our mistakes head-on, and processing the emotions that arise from our actions is a step toward acceptance and healing.

Thirdly, where possible, make reparations for what you have done. We often feel that we need to earn forgiveness, but this is not true; forgiveness is not earned. What is true is that making efforts to right our wrongs will reinforce a feeling of worth. Repairing damage allows us to rise above our circumstances and replace feelings of regret with feelings of accomplishment.

This may be in the form of a verbal apology, or simply an acknowledgment of guilt. The person you have wronged may say how you can make it up to them, and if it is in your power to do so, it would be wise to attempt it.

Lastly, reflect on the experience and commit to doing better. There can be no real change where you have not honestly processed the consequences of your actions. Accepting that you did wrong, it damaged something, and you have done what you can to repair it, means that you will move on and try to do better next time. With God, there is always a next time.

Next steps

Forgiveness is an intentional process and it may be a complex one. Forgiving yourself requires you to honestly face up to all the difficult things you would rather ignore, process all the emotions involved, do what you can to repair the damage and move on, focusing on improvement.

You do not have to navigate this journey alone. Meeting with a Christian counselor in Los Angeles, California would mean opening up to a professional who will not pass judgment, and who will help you unpack and face everything you need to. Whether you need help in knowing where to start or just need courage for that next step, there are counselors available to help you on your journey today, so please consider calling us at Los Angeles Christian Counseling for an appointment.