Rediscovering Your Sense of Self After Divorce

Anytime relationships are severed, no matter the reason, you’re bound to feel a loss. This is true, even when the loss comes voluntarily or after a toxic relationship ends. After a divorce, it’s normal to feel the absence of your partner, but the losses don’t end there. Sometimes you can also feel the loss of self.

For the duration of your marriage, and probably a few years before that, you’ve been defined as a couple. Invitations came in both your names, as did the monthly bills. You signed Christmas cards as a duo, and the word we ruled your vocabulary. Suddenly, you’re solo, and walking into a party by yourself feels awkward. You think back to the time before you were a we and wonder how you ever felt comfortable in your own skin, standing alone.

Here you are, again, being an I or a me, but it feels different. The last time you were single was different. Today, you feel self-conscious about sitting in a coffeehouse alone, which was a regular occurrence before your relationship.

You become acutely aware of the eyes following you as you walk around the grocery store alone. In your former single life, those eyes felt more flirtatious than judgmental. You glance at the couple holding hands and talking about dinner. You even feel a twinge of envy prick at your heart and wonder if you will ever be part of a couple again.

Where did I go?

Losing your identity can happen slowly. It can be so slow that you might not realize that it happened at all until you’re confronted with it. Divorce has a way of doing that. It shines a light on your aloneness. And when you step back to examine what your life is like in this new season, what you are like in this new season, it can lead to some rather surprising discoveries.

Before marriage, most people have a defined set of beliefs, a few hobbies they enjoy, friends they like to mingle with, and goals that keep them going. But through marriage, many times these two individual lives meld into one. And that’s a good thing.

God designed marriage where “…the two will become one flesh.” (Mark 10:8, NIV) But when something goes awry and these two melded individuals part ways, it can be challenging.

Suddenly, you realize that your pre-marriage self doesn’t really exist anymore. Your beliefs may have changed and evolved. This can be from age and maturity, but also the influence of a spouse. And those hobbies that you used to engage in, well, they might still be there, but maybe you haven’t done them in a while.

Friends may have drifted away because you didn’t have time for them, or simply because their lives pulled them in a different direction. And your individual goals somehow got absorbed into mutual goals, morphing into something either undesirable or unattainable as a single.

Where did I go? You might ask yourself. The I that you identified with is no longer there, or so it seems. You may even look different due to aging, stress, and influence from your partner. When you no longer look or feel like yourself, a disturbing realization can surprise you. You may feel that you no longer exist in your traditional and familiar form, and this can knock you right off your feet.

Why It Matters

Everyone changes, right? So, why would it matter that you’ve changed so much since the last time you were single? Everyone grows, evolves, and ages, even those who are single. The difference is that when you evolve as a single person, you are evolving on your own terms.

You are following a path that you have chosen, and that will serve you well as a single person. God has directed you down a path toward your individual goals. But when you think you will spend the rest of your life with someone, your evolution happens in tandem. Once you’re married, your financial goals merge, as do your life plans. When you’re suddenly single again, those mutual goals may not be relevant or even possible anymore.

This matters because divorce not only strips you of your relationship with your spouse but also forces you to redefine yourself as a person. You’re standing in the middle of your so-called life that feels oddly familiar and partly foreign, wondering what to do next.

It’s okay to mourn the loss of your relationship and all the things that were taken away with it. It is to be expected. Grieve the person you were, the person you were becoming, and the life that you had hoped would someday materialize.

A Challenge or an Opportunity

Don’t live in the mourning too long. You may catch yourself hesitating before making decisions because, for so long, you had to consider another person. Now, every small choice, even down to what to eat for dinner, is yours alone to make. Is it sad? Maybe a little, but it’s also a conduit to opportunities.

While it’s understandable to want to mourn your losses, you can’t dwell there forever. Moving on with your life is the goal. Some people would give a lot of hard-earned cash to have the opportunity to redefine themselves midlife. When your new label is divorcee, you might be met with a few challenges, of course, but you are also given a beautiful opportunity to rework your image, revamp your schedule, and renew your relationships.

You can prioritize the things you want to focus on, like a relationship with God, because you are no longer tied to another person who may have held you back. Divorce may be an end, but it also presents you with the opportunity for a beautiful beginning.

Moving on can be scary, not just after divorce but after any life change. But moving on will give you new friendships, new hobbies, and new goals to strive for. God doesn’t condone all divorce; in fact, He champions lifelong commitments.

But God is always faithful to meet you in your brokenness. He meets you when the ground beneath your feet feels shaky and unfamiliar. He loves you when grief and fear weigh heavily on your chest, and He can define you when you can’t remember who you are without someone else by your side.

God might not take away all your pain in an instant, but He is faithful to show you that even in this place, you are whole in Him.

Therapy can help

Your therapist can partner with you in this process of becoming whole again. God uses people in practical ways to help you process your new life and recover from your old one. A therapist can help you separate who you are from who you were when you were with someone else.

Through therapy sessions, you can see parts of yourself that may have been neglected. You might rediscover passions that were set aside and help you find the inner strength that has been waiting quietly for you to discover.

Single and Loving It

Reclaiming your true self, or better yet, redefining a refined version of you, doesn’t require going backward or resurrecting the person you were before marriage. You can step into a new version of you that has been shaped by experience, forged by pain, revived by hope, and growing in faith.

Of course, there will still be days when grief or doubt or self-consciousness will crash in unwelcomed, but through the grace of God and a little help from your therapist, you can walk intentionally into a new life. You can discover a life built with purpose and filled with the people, places, and things that serve you well in this season.

Soon you will be able to look back at your marriage, not with guilt or anger, but in appreciation for what you had and for what it helped you become. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4, NIV)

While divorce should never be the end goal of marriage, God has a wonderful way of turning our trials into blessings. He uses these moments, these sad, lonely, desperate moments, to remind you of His love and faithfulness to you. Let a therapist help you on that journey. Connect with us today.