Why Some Children of Divorce are Happy About It

When a couple decides to file for divorce, we probably expect that it always marks a terrible time for the family, but for some children of divorce, this news can be music to the ears.

Of course, no one who gets married realistically expects things to go horribly wrong or end in divorce. If you want to know who usually can see divorce coming from a mile away, well, it’s the kids. Quite honestly, some children of divorce say they felt relieved and even happier once it was said and done.

It’s not easy to know how to work through divorce challenges as adults, but how it affects your children is probably your greatest fear when this happens. If you ask any divorce counselor what one of the top reasons couples stayed in a toxic environment for so long is, undoubtedly, they will tell you it was because of their kids.

Unfortunately for many of the children involved in such unhealthy marriages, life with parents who don’t like each other is like hell on earth, and they hope and pray for a peaceful home. It is more important than you think not to paint all children with the same brush and expect them to fall apart when mom and dad are no longer together. By doing so, we may overlook the good things that could come to children after a divorce is finalized.

Some Experiences Children of Divorce Wish Adults Knew

More and more researchers are interested in giving a voice to children who have gone through their parent’s divorce, and they find that the age-old picture of having a traditional family setup does not seem so important for modern-day kids.

With divorce cases in the 21st Century reaching an all-time high, studies now show that an average of one in two children below the age of 18 in America live through at least one divorce. It’s no surprise that a good number of children have witnessed multiple divorces on both sides of their family.

The tabloid reports of this era are filled with stories of celebrities divorcing, not once, twice, thrice but as much as four times, for a star like Jennifer Lopez, and even more times for others, like Elizabeth Taylor, who divorced a record seven times.

Kids are, in some ways, getting desensitized about divorce subconsciously because they’re seeing it happening all around them. Chances are one in every two of a child’s friends has come from a split family, which causes notions of what a family should look like, and how kids feel about it, to change.

Some kids who have spoken to researchers in numerous surveys said this when asked what they wished their parents knew about divorce from their point of view:

“I was tired of seeing you in tears every other day so I’m pretty stoked that that stopped.” – Kid #1

“I just wanna see you happy and healthy alone than when you’re miserable together.” – Kid #2

“When you guys keep fighting and don’t try things to change, I feel that the blame is on me for you being stuck with each other.” – Kid #3

“I wish you told me about it before your separation and not after, because I already knew you weren’t happy, and I had overheard you talking with your sister about it.” – Kid # 4

“I like you both more now than before, coz I tend to spend more time with you individually.” – Kid #5

“I really wish you would quit complaining all the time about each other; I just don’t want to take sides.” – Kid #6

These kids who’ve lived through divorce are desperate for some solid ground after living through so much uncertainty and concern about their safety at home, or the safety of their parents, having peered in on all your fights, crying, tension, gaslighting, and cold-shoulder treatment.

Experts who talk to kids and teens who come out of such situations say that children feel less disturbed by the fact that parents are not together than they are by the loss of structure and security. Kids are more concerned about what’s to come rather than about what has taken place, especially when we speak about bringing new partners or families into the picture.

Good Things Children Might Gain from Divorce

• Imagine how much lighter a child would feel from the heavy tension, fighting, and negativity that was part of your troubled marriage. A child wants a peaceful environment and a sense of security, and you all may find that this can reduce conflict and stress enough to make both parents and children healthier.
• Happy parents equal happy kids, and to witness one’s parents move on and continue to better their well-being and happiness is a powerful lesson for the children. They get to see the whole family make a fresh start with new routines and traditions that better suit everyone’s needs and preferences.
• With less drama and stress in your lives as parents, you both get to spend more quality time with your child, strengthening your bonds with them.
• While kids learn how to live with the new living arrangements, situations, and challenges, they continue with important coping mechanisms of resilience and flexibility. Your children become great at handling difficulties and solving problems.
• The moment a child goes through something as severe as divorce, the child starts associating themselves with and developing empathy for other people’s feelings and situations because they know how it feels.
• This lifestyle change may mean downgrading certain luxuries and increasing chores and responsibilities for your kids. They become more independent and self-sufficient in learning to live in two separate homes.

Once we understand all this about children of divorce, the next port of call will be to find ways to create a supportive environment, especially if we are talking about children who lived through a conflict-ridden home before a divorce happened.

It’s more about how one copes with such big changes in the long run, and not just about signing a legal paper stating that you are no longer married. What you should not do is to act as if everything is just fine. Your children may perceive your actions of indifference as a sign that the divorce is their fault, so you cannot sweep divorce issues under the rug and avoid your children.

The onus is now on the parent to make the children feel secure and to create a safe space for them by making sure they know it’s okay to talk about their feelings and that they are valid.

How do you determine whether your child is happy?

What do you look for when observing their behaviors, feelings, and general well-being to determine whether your child is happy following your divorce? When a child is happy, you will not have to look too far; they will show this by:

• Positive acts, like being willingly helpful.
• A generally happy attitude.
• Enjoying doing different activities.
• Good behavior around both parents.
• Talking about emotions and feelings freely.
• Enjoying friendships.
• Consistent grades and participation in school activities.
• Healthy physical habits like regular eating, sleeping, and exercise.
• Handling problems well.
• Good feedback from teachers, counselors, or other caregivers.
• Good observations from friends or siblings.

No matter how much your child shows all those happy signs and seems to be coping well before or after your divorce, it’s still important to push for open communications and keep an eye on them. You don’t have to stick to a toxic, bitter battlefield marriage for the sake of your kids, because doing this makes not only you and your partner miserable but often also hurts the kids.

If you notice any strange, disturbing changes in behavior or mood that you cannot get to the bottom of, approach a child psychologist or Christian counselor in Los Angeles who can get your child talking and happy again. Contact us at Los Angeles Christian Counseling to find support for your child.