3 Warning Signs for Setting Healthy Boundaries with Toxic People

Relationships are hard. Even the healthiest relationship can run into conflict from time to time. But what happens when that conflict turns into a toxic situation where the relationship does not benefit either party? It’s important to set healthy boundaries with people whose behavior is causing you emotional, mental, or physical turmoil. However, since the word toxic gets thrown around in society often, let’s first define it.

A toxic relationship

A toxic relationship is one in which one or both parties have an unhealthy pattern of relating to one another that may include disrespect, humiliation, manipulation, or abuse of some kind. You might be in a toxic relationship when:

• Another person demeans, ridicules, or humiliates you regularly
• You feel unsafe or uncomfortable with the person
• You feel fearful to upset the person and put a lot of energy into cheering them up or keeping them happy
• The speed at which the person attaches, and the expectations placed on you feel overwhelming
• The other person is possessive, jealous, or confrontational about other relationships that you have
• The other uses tactics like gaslighting, denial, and minimization to avoid responsibility for their behaviors
• Your self-esteem or self-worth is eroding due to the negative comments and blame the other person is constantly putting on you.

It is important you love and care for yourself by initiating mental, emotional, or physical distance from the other person to maintain your health and well-being.

However, as Christians, this is easier said than done. Jesus said, “Love your enemies; pray for those who persecute you.” It may be confusing when it is time to extend grace and mercy and when it is time to establish a boundary. However, it is possible to move in the direction of health.

Three red flags for when healthy boundaries are needed

1. When your character is called into question

If a person resorts to character assassination or other tactics to make you feel inferior while they feel superior, it is time to set some boundaries. Healthy boundaries in this situation may include not speaking to one another for a while. Express your concern to the person and inform them of your boundary if possible.

When an appropriate period of time has been reached, you could reach out to the other and see if they are willing to have another conversation about their behavior. If the person is repentant, offer forgiveness. You could consider giving a second chance for a relationship if the person is willing to try and change their behavior.

Jesus also extended grace and mercy to people who repented and changed their behavior. Setting healthy boundaries protects the person being treated poorly, yet leaves room to rebuild the relationship if the other person is ready to change. However, if the negative behavior returns, you will need to set the boundary again.

2. If behavior is unrepentant

You may need to establish physical distance or cut off the relationship if the person refuses to acknowledge or take responsibility for their toxic behavior. Unfortunately, no matter what boundaries you set in place to achieve the goal of restoration, sometimes restoration cannot be achieved if the person is unrepentant and does not change.

Even if a person begins to repent and then falls back into their old ways, that behavior is considered unrepentant. Physical or emotional distance is key here when that is the case. Emotional and physical safety are critically important.

3. If violence is used

While grace and mercy have their place in a Christian life, violence should never be accepted in a relationship. There is no situation in which violence would be justified. If violence has occurred, protect yourself and cut off the relationship immediately. Enlist the help of the authorities to stay safe. Seek the help of professionals for your physical and emotional healing.

Getting help for toxic relationships

No one ever deserves to be derided and demeaned. All people are made in God’s image and worthy of care and dignity. Unfortunately, we live in a broken world where things are not as they should be. Boundaries are a way to establish safety and sometimes create the pathway for healing and restoration in a life or a relationship.

Boundaries, when used well, honor God and allow for physical, emotional, and spiritual growth in both parties. If you recognize that you are in a toxic relationship, please seek the support of a therapist for healing and for setting healthy boundaries with the other person. Contact our offices today and we will connect you with a Christian counselor that will journey with you as you address your toxic relationship.