Domestic Violence

Do you think you are experiencing domestic violence? Here’s a simple definition:

“the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another; also: a repeated or habitual pattern of such behavior” (www.merriam-webster.com)

Domestic violence takes on different forms, encompassing verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.

The main feature of domestic violence is that the perpetrator is attempting to control another family member. Oftentimes the offender becomes addicted to their violent behavior because their anger provides an emotional “high”, releasing endorphins into their system.

With all addictions, there’s a threshold for attaining the “high” and it becomes harder to reach with every attempt. The abuser must become more violent and aggressive in order to reach the same “high.”

This abusive pattern often spirals downward in a vicious cycle. An outburst is followed by seemingly genuine repentance and forgiveness, which are then followed by a brief “honeymoon period” where it looks as if all is well. However, the next time a violent outburst occurs, it’s often much worse than the previous incident.

Most domestic violence incidents are intensified by addiction and substance abuse. Take an already emotionally charged, violent situation and add in drugs or alcohol, and it can quickly progress to a situation that is truly life-threatening. Furthermore, when the victim is weak, sick, or pregnant her vulnerability is heightened and she runs the risk of serious injury or even death.

Statistics of Domestic Abuse

The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence has produced staggering statistics regarding domestic abuse frequency in the U.S.:

• Nearly 20 people are being abused physically by their sexual partner in the U.S. every minute.This adds up to more than 10 million men and women over the course of a year.
• In their lifetime, 33%of women and 25% of men suffer physical violence,stalking, and/or sexual violence at the hands of their intimate partner.
• 1 in 7 men and 1 in 4 women experience extreme physical violence from an intimate partner in their lifetime.
• 1 in 7 women and 1 in 18 men have,during their lifetime, experienced being stalked by a sexual partner even to the point offer for their life, or that a person close to them could be harmed or killed.

DomesticViolenceStatistics.org states that “domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women – more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.” This reality is very alarming and may be surprising to most.

Physical abuse is more easily identified than verbal abuse. Verbal abuse encompasses frequent unwarranted blame, threats of violence, threats of divorce or other hurtful decisions, cursing, public humiliation, ridicule, grievous insults, withholding affection as punishment, aggression, or domination, etc.

At first, this short list may seem confusing due to the fact that some of these things are common in milder forms in non-abusive circumstances. The key here is that these instances should only take place on rare occasions and not be the defining factor in a given relationship. If these types of verbal outbursts are becoming more frequent and the perpetrator seems to be more easily agitated, it should be considered verbal abuse, a type of domestic violence.

Myths Concerning Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is often overlooked, and you may not realize that someone is actually an abusive person. Police records could definitely expose this sad reality. Perpetrators and victims alike hail from every ethnicity, class, age, gender or economic status.Wealthy or safe neighborhoods do not rule out the existence and harsh reality of domestic violence.

One common myth is that “only poor women or women of color or are victims of domestic violence and some of them may even deserve it.” This ignorant and biased belief is merely a common and destructive attempt to justify domestic abuse. No one deserves to be a victim of abuse.

Another oft-repeated myth is that domestic abuse ought to be handled within the family because it is a “family issue.” This simply is not true nor is it helpful; domestic violence negatively affects everyone involved and therefore seeking help outside of the family has proven to be beneficial to all family members.

The Commonwealth Fund published a study in 1999 indicating that at least 33% of American women were abused by a sexual partner, and 40-60% of the perpetrators were child abusers as well. Domestic abuse does not exist in a vacuum.

When dealing with domestic abuse, the first and most vital step is to acknowledge that you are a victim. Abusers like to play mind games and often try to manipulate you into thinking that you are somehow partly responsible for receiving verbal and/or physical abuse so that you will not place the blame where it belongs: on the abuser.

Often, victims in the “honeymoon phase” of the abusive cycle feel that they will never be abused again, giving them a false sense of security. However, don’t be deceived by the abuser’s manipulation. Know that the abuse cycle will only continue and recognition of what is happening is the only way to put a stop to it.

The next thing to do is go to a safe place. Try to arrange to stay with a relative or friend. If that’s not possible then go to your local shelter. It is very important that you get away from such a harmful situation. Depending on the level of abuse you are experiencing, you should keep in mind when it would be the least risky time to leave.

You must understand that your decision to leave can actually create a crisis, making it one of the most dangerous points in the relationship. Create an escape route with this in mind.

Once you leave, find qualified help as soon as possible. If you’ve been a victim of physical violence, report it to the police immediately.

In addition to contacting the police, get the medical attention needed for any of your injuries. In extreme cases, you may have received some internal injuries that need to be treated.

Get a lawyer that can help you deal with the legal implications of your situation. Even if your hope is for your partner to change, or that the relationship would end permanently, you must still plan for the worst. Lawyers can serve you by helping you understand all of your options if legal action is necessary.

No matter what kind of abuse you’ve experienced, it would be very beneficial for you to receive emotional healing from a faith-based professional Christian counselor.

Your journey of healing cannot and should not be happening alone. A Christian counselor can provide the support and guidance necessary for your specific situation.Share your experience and the effects it’s had on you are crucial in the healing process. With a Christian counselor, you’ll be provided with a safe environment to do this. They’ll be there to help you talk through and process your grief and trauma.

If your situation is a bit more complicated (for example, you have children with your abuser) and you haven’t left or you still have to interact with the abuser, a counselor can assist you in creating an appropriate safety plan or an exit strategy.

Social isolation is a known major factor for those experiencing domestic abuse, which means you may not have family or friends to serve as your support system. Many times, abusers deliberately remove their victims from close proximity to family and friends. In these cases, professional help is even more crucial for the victim. You need someone in your corner who cares and whom you know you can rely on to be the support that you need.

You don’t have to deal with domestic violence alone. At Los Angeles Christian Counseling, we are here to help you in your journey of overcoming the devastation that domestic abuse causes. Find out more about our Christian counseling services or schedule your first risk-free session by contacting us at (949) 386-7182 or click here to contact us online.