Strong and Silent: Navigating the Shame and Stigma of Depression in Men

While there are many similarities all people share, there are also countless differences between males and females. It is important to differentiate between depression in men and women even though some areas overlap.

The American Psychological Association defines depression as “a negative affective state, ranging from unhappiness and discontent to an extreme feeling of sadness, pessimism, and despondency, that interferes with daily life.”

Depression’s range of symptoms is not limited to its effect on moods but also impacts one’s total well-being, often producing restlessness, sleep disturbances, mental fog, and withdrawal from social connections.

Although the symptoms and signs of depression in men present differently, familiarizing ourselves with important cues will help men wrestling with depression.

Depression in men and mental health.

Many are familiar with depression in that we often ascribe low mood and sadness to women’s experiences. Men, on the other hand, tend to associate signs of depression with physical health more than their mental and emotional states.

Men’s depressive symptoms may include such as headaches, stomach distress, insomnia, or insufficient sleep. Consequently, men may seek out physicians for treatment without considering these symptoms as signs of a mental health need. Men may dismiss irritability or moods that society has normalized as part of male emotional expression such as anger and aggression.

Mental and emotional health are not topics we generally pursue as part of men’s health. That doesn’t mean that we should ignore it. Cultural norms serve important functions, but they have been limiting when it comes to assessing and properly responding to depression in men.

Societal expectations have a stigma attached to mental health matters. Woefully, we are still slower to respond where men’s emotional and mental well-being is concerned. Yet, we can foster hope and awareness of the importance of mental and emotional health for men as we have begun to do for other segments of the population.

It is interesting to note that increasingly our lives are broadcast on social media. This can cause us to form unhealthy ideals of how we should live. It can breed shame in men when comparing the truth of private challenges and internal conflicts against what our churches, society, partners, and families say we ought to have in order. The false ideal amasses pressure and creates stress. Many may feel as if they don’t measure up to what we may have stated a man should be.

Shame, stigma, and silence of depression in men.

Shame restricts men to silence, impeding access to mental and emotional health resources. There are various reasons why we don’t verbalize a need for mental and emotional support. This may be due to ignorance, personal insecurity, or inability to articulate our legitimate concerns or confide in others.

A few common demands include raising a family or being a solid provider in the face of economic and social pressures. Other challenges point to the tension of being triggered by unresolved trauma and pain we either mute or express in aggression and anger.

All of these can exert strong pressure, making one feel helpless and less like what we have been raised to believe is part of being a man. This has discouraged men from verbalizing a need and seeking help to answer it, though it means suffering in silence.

Men are often summoned into leadership in their homes and communities, yet the weight of expectations can make men feel as if they will implode. This leaves nowhere for the pressure, anger, and unresolved pain to go, and it can morph into depression.

Men often suffer from the tension between the shame and stigma of depression in silence. This can be debilitating for men as friends, brothers, husbands, and fathers. Without support, navigating the nature of depression proves to be a lonely and isolating disorder.

While male friendships are often built around shared interests and surface or social engagement, they don’t necessarily promote safety when they harbor toxic thoughts and feelings.

Men have been socialized to guard feelings and keep them compartmentalized, if not altogether hidden from others, and sometimes, from themselves. While female friendships tend to elevate emotional intimacy and support, many male friendships do not make space for deeper sharing associated with authentic connections.

Men can often be functional in relationships with others, yet still be disconnected. It isn’t always healthy, but this can explain what is brewing in the minds and hearts of men battling depression. Facing multiple issues without a release valve is a prelude to disaster.

In particular, men feel the internal pressure, but stow it into various chambers. Part of it is biological, but also is a coping response to managing uncomfortable emotions and being able to navigate life without a meltdown.

Men may hesitate to express feelings of worry or inadequacy concerning any number of issues. They may not always verbalize insecurities. This is often rooted in fear of rejection or being chided by others. While people often tend to feminize sensitivity, men can demonstrate this in their hesitation to trust and be vulnerable. Men also want to be heard, valued, and respected when expressing their needs and concerns.

Image and identity.

God isn’t afraid of men or their raw and real needs. He created man, in His Image and likeness, fully aware of the nuances that would make him distinct from a woman. Healthy masculinity appreciates who God has made and embraces the Father’s creativity in forming his unique identity.

Men can bring all of who they are to the Lord and still be accepted and embraced. Identity originates in redeemed sonship, following the Heart of the Father, embracing the example of Christ, yet empowered by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

Awareness, authenticity, and alliance.

Men need wisdom to best serve what God has placed in them. Having an awareness of godly identity is key. Society may have a set of norms that guide what happens in culture, but faith in the King of Kings informs how we all live with a kingdom perspective. We must establish safe zones where men can be candid about challenges and internal conflicts.

Faith circles, friendships, or family connections can provide an outlet where men with depression can emerge from the isolation that shame imposes. Coming into community and forming alliances with other like-minded men can be a powerful force that overcomes the stigma attached to obtaining mental and emotional health support.

To a greater degree, these networks can be a thriving place. When men fellowship and demonstrate a willingness to be real with other brothers in the presence of God, shame is displaced, silence is broken, and strength cultivated.

Men experience healing and the power of answered prayer (James 5:16). Authentic, godly relationships build godly men so we don’t cave from depression, but rather conquer the threats that contend against our divine purpose and calling.

Next steps.

If you or a male loved one is experiencing symptoms of depression, encourage him to make two appointments. Seeing a doctor will address physical signs of depression. Scheduling with a therapist can help address depression’s underlying roots.

If you are trying to support a man in your life, truth, spoken in love, released at the appropriate time, reassures that he doesn’t need to suffer in solitude or remain muted by shame. Take time to hear what he is saying as well as what he leaves unsaid.

You don’t have to be a mind reader, but divine discernment will influence you to ask insightful questions that help him think differently and make a decision in a positive direction. Avoid the temptation to diagnose, but rather direct him to resources for support.

Browse the online counselor directory here at Los Angeles Christian Counseling and contact us today to schedule an appointment. Your counselor can help you begin to overcome shame and stigma, breaking the silence that would keep men imprisoned in depression.