Is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Right for Me?

Emotionally focused couples therapy, commonly referred to as EFT, is based on attachment theory going back to the 1980s. What makes this therapy so effective is that it does not focus as much on the arguments themselves as on the high-emotion responses and what they may mean.

How Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Works

Emotionally focused couples therapy addresses the underlying emotions behind behaviors. For example, you and your spouse may keep having the same arguments about money. Although the finances may be an issue, there may be a cycle, a pattern that emerges.

One spouse may be angry and resentful because they feel they work and always seem to be behind. The other spouse may feel insecure and afraid of losing everything, especially their spouse, and feel like it is all their fault. One spouse pushes harder while the other withdraws further away.

Emotionally focused couples therapy identifies these patterns and pulls them apart through slower sessions focusing on the words, actions, and emotions present. Once the couple is aware of the pattern, they can work together in a gentler approach to address these concerns.

One note: Abusive relationships may not improve with just counseling. If you are in an abusive relationship and are in danger, seek help immediately.

Identify the Cycles

Emotionally-fueled disagreements typically fall into a cycle. This cycle can start with one spouse pushing and prodding about a subject, becoming overbearing at times, and asking for an answer or a reason. This behavior then causes the other spouse to withdraw, remain quiet, and create emotional distance between them.

Recognize the Patterns

When these cycles persist, a pattern emerges that widens the gap between the couple. Learning to recognize the pattern will help you know when to seek help. Keeping a journal of disagreements may be helpful in this case, although the records will be created after the argument and you may not be able to recall the emotions as vividly.

Counseling Dissects Arguments and Conversations

Your counselor during emotionally focused couples therapy will slow the conversation down to dissect how each person felt during the conflict. There may be feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, insecurity, fear, shame, or guilt.

Next, the counselor will help you verbalize these feelings so that you can work through them together using attachment language. This may appear as a statement like, “I get upset when you are on your phone for hours because I’m afraid I’m losing you.” This type of statement reflects fear of emotional distance and insecurity in the relationship, although during the confrontation it may appear as anger or withdrawal.

How to Get Started with Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

For emotionally focused couples therapy to work, both people need to be on board. Get with your spouse and research EFT, discuss the problems in your marriage, and the emotionally charged conflict. Confirm that you both want to work on the marriage and conflict resolution, incorporating EFT.

If your spouse is hesitant about EFT, you can still attend marriage counseling. Eventually, your spouse may recognize the patterns emerging during therapy.

Who to Look For

You want a professional mental health practitioner who specializes in emotionally focused couples therapy. You can ask if they are certified in EFT or attachment theory. This will ensure you receive the highest level of counseling for your situation.

Find a counselor that both you and your spouse feel comfortable with. This may mean attending an initial session or assessment to get to know one another before the actual work begins.

What You Can Do Before the First Session

Before you attend your first session, it might be prudent to sit with your spouse and journal surface disagreements. Take note of the emotions from both sides during these conflicts. Your counselor will not be taking sides but will dissect the emotion-fueled arguments.

Also discuss your goals for counseling. Is it to get back to where you were, with a deeper knowledge of and sensitivity toward one another? You want to be able to get to the root of an issue in the future together and work through it constructively. Showing vulnerability can be difficult for some people. Try to practice kindness and grace during these upcoming sessions.

Virtual Christian Counseling Offering EFT

Our Christian counseling center offers both in-person and virtual sessions, making counseling more accessible to couples. When you call our office, you will reach a representative who will match you to a Christian counselor specializing in emotionally focused couples therapy. Complete the contact form or call us today to schedule an introductory session.