A Marriage in Crisis:Relationship Help to Start Picking Up the Pieces

A marriage in crisis can differ from one relationship to the next. Marriages can face a variety of obstacles and trials – from financial struggles, infertility, or the loss of a loved one, to a midlife or identity crisis of one or both spouses. Regardless of your current circumstances, it’s crucial to remember that there is no shame in needing relationship help. In fact, it’s a good sign if you reach out for relationship help, as you’re demonstrating your desire to strengthen your marriage.

Signs of a Marriage in Crisis

A marriage in crisis feels shaky, like the ground that once felt sturdy and safe is now unlevel and crumbling. The future seems unpredictable and erratic. Perhaps the lines of communication have been torn down, or physical intimacy has come to a halt.

Perhaps you are contemplating how you can put the work into your marriage to see it thrive again. Maybe your conversations feel one-sided, you feel invisible to your spouse, or you feel like you’re having the same argument again and again. Perhaps those small acts of kindness have ceased, or one, or both, of you have been faced with a tragedy and feel trapped by lingering feelings of sadness or hopelessness.

A marriage in crisis is similar to a plant that hasn’t received the proper nutrients so it can thrive the way God intended for it to flourish and prosper. What’s important to realize is that some of the most beautiful and blossoming marriages come after seasons where the roots of the relationship are feeling withered, shrunken, or unattended to.

It’s important to take a step back and get the relationship help you need, allowing God to mend the shattered pieces of your heart and marriage – one piece, one conversation, and one step at a time.

Relationship Help for Hurting Marriages

1. Re-open the lines of communication

It’s important to realize that devastation or trials outside of your marriage still impact your relationship. A lack of communication or lingering feelings of helplessness or hopelessness can impact a person’s ability to communicate because of shame, sadness, depression, or the inability to sort and communicate one’s feelings.

What’s important to know is that you do not need to have the “right” words; just be raw and authentic with your feelings as best as you can. Marriage is about helping one another through the good times and the bad. It’s about being there for your spouse during seasons of joy and seasons of grief and uncertainty. No matter what season your marriage is facing, it can be used as an avenue to bring you closer together and give your marriage the opportunity to grow stronger.

It’s important to be mindful of who you run to for advice when you are facing a difficult time in your marriage. While friends and family are an important support system for your marriage, marriage counselors and pastors are likely to direct you to a path of health, healing and forgiveness. They can also give you tools to help you nurture your marriage that just needs water and soil to bloom and live vibrantly once again.

Couples can start by scheduling an appointment with a marriage counselor. Counselors are trained to help both parties feel heard. They can help both parties articulate what they are feeling and how to effectively begin putting the broken pieces together again.

Brokenness in marriage can differ from marriage to marriage and person to person. Therefore, it’s important to establish healthy lines of communication and listen to both sides in order to effectively begin rebuilding the walls of your marriage.

2. Take it one day and one conversation at a time.

Just like Rome was not built in a day, years or months of broken communication or trust within a marriage takes time to rebuild. It’s important to start with that one conversation with your spouse. One conversation can alter the entire course of your future because you are trying and yearning to head in the right direction together. If you feel foreign or distant in your conversation with one another, start dating your spouse again.

Dating in marriage doesn’t have to be a big, fancy ordeal. Simply start by going on dates. Leave love notes on the mirror or sneak them into your spouse’s lunchbox. Send sweet text messages throughout the day just to say, “I’m thinking about you.”

Make their favorite dinner. Surprise them with their favorite cup of coffee at work. Hold hands as you walk through the aisles at a local store. Rekindle that spark that you once had.

3. Don’t re-open past wounds; instead, use positive affirmation

Once you begin working to rebuild the shattered parts of your heart and work through the unresolved issues while strengthening your communication skills, do not continuously bring up past wounds or flaws in your spouse.

It’s important that couples learn to address unresolved issues, but it’s also important to look forward to the future and point out the things your partner does well. Instead of bringing up the one thing they are not good at doing over and over, try to find and encourage the things they do well.

For example, instead of “He never brings me flowers,” tell your spouse, “I love the way you wash the dishes and fold the laundry without complaining. The little things you do for me mean so much.”

When positive affirmation is used, it is often the springboard to a string of positive acts and kindness without strings attached. Start with you. If you enjoy flowers “just because,” begin thinking of things you can do to surprise your spouse “just because.”

Practice this perspective shared by author Lysa TerKeurst: “Not reaching back for what was lost in my yesterdays. And not reaching for what I hope will be in my tomorrow. But living fully with what is right in front of me. And truly seeing the gift of this moment.”

Set the tone for the moment by embracing your spouse with kindness and compassion. What you choose to say today will impact your tomorrows. Try to appreciate and point out the things you love about your spouse; this creates an attitude of gratitude for both parties. And the more you intentionally focus on the positive traits of your partner, the more you will naturally see the positive in them.

4. Make intimacy a priority

Physical and spiritual intimacy in marriage are imperative for rebuilding broken pieces or working to strengthen your marriage. They unite and expose all parts of who you are; creating a bond that God intended not to be broken and to be fully reliant on Him.

Spiritual intimacy is a key component to a strong and lasting foundation within your marriage. Making God the center of your marriage can include reading your Bibles together, praying together and for your spouse, attending church together, and serving others together.

Spiritual intimacy is a bond that is full of compassion, selflessness, hope, joy, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. It’s the answer to life’s unknowns and the key to overcoming obstacles and facing various seasons of life together.

Mark 10:9 (NIV) says, “Therefore what God has joined together; let no man separate.”

Fighting for your marriage and rebuilding those walls of trust are worth it. To build trust and offer grace and forgiveness to your best friend, support system, and partner for life’s ups and downs is not an easy task, but one that is definitely worth it.

Furthermore, start by being vulnerable with your spouse. Be honest about your shortcomings and struggles. Be open about your needs and ask them about their needs. Communicate when you are hurting, feeling hopeless, or need a relational pick-me-up.

Be willing to have difficult conversations as they are the building blocks to a stronger tomorrow and a more united front. Be willing to serve your spouse without expecting anything in return. It is important to strengthen all aspects of intimacy in your marriage to build a foundation of trust that can sustain the storms of life.

Christian Marriage Counseling for Relationship Help

It can be a great benefit to meet with a Christian marriage counselor for relationship help to get your marriage back on the right track. Having a neutral third party who is trained in helping couples restore and strengthen their relationship is priceless. Browse our counselor directory to find a marriage counselor for you and your spouse.