Going Beyond Your “Fight or Flight” Response: How to Deal with Anger

Have you ever had a day when things seem to be working against you, and people just might be quite deliberately trying to anger you? The alarm didn’t go off, you missed breakfast, your kids didn’t get ready on time, the traffic to work was especially bad, your boss moved your deadline up, and you had a fight with your spouse. All or any of these things can add up and make you angry. But do you know how to deal with anger?

It may not really be the case that someone or something is out to get you, but our perceptions are powerful and can shape our reality. Anger isn’t an easy or quick thing to overcome, in part because of the complex reasons why we get angry and because it’s hard to unlearn behaviors and patterns of thinking after years of habits. However, it is possible to deal effectively with anger and prevent it from upending your life.

Recognize how dangerous anger can be.

To deal effectively with anger, it’s necessary to understand what it is. Anger isn’t a bad thing, and we need to separate the emotion from the variety of responses it can inspire.

Anger is how we are wired to adapt and respond to real and perceived threats. As you become angry, your fight or flight response is triggered, and neurotransmitter chemicals known as catecholamines are released into your body, causing you to experience a burst of energy that can last for several minutes.

Your body’s muscles tense up, and the burst of energy inspires the desire to take immediate protective action through powerful and aggressive behaviors such as fighting to defend yourself or your loved ones when attacked or threatened. Anger thus plays a role in our survival.

There are several problems with our body’s anger response. For one thing, we can get angry in situations of both real and perceived danger. We can feel threatened by someone challenging our views, for instance, and that can provoke a similar anger response as when a stranger tries to attack a loved one physically. In other words, the lack of discrimination in our anger response can be problematic.

Secondly, the reaction inspired by those angry feelings may be out of all proportion with what’s reasonable. A low anger threshold can find a person having an anger outburst at the grocery store because they ran out of a product or because the lines at the checkout were a bit long. Your anger can lead you to lash out at the people or objects that irritate or annoys you, and this can have legal consequences as well as a negative effect on your relationships.

What the Bible says about anger.

The Bible warns us in several places that anger can be harmful. James 1:19-20 ESV says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” If we desire the godly life, human anger isn’t the way to get there.

In Galatians 5:19-24 ESV, Paul reminds us of the stark contrast between the life that is inspired by the Holy Spirit, and the life that flows from our sinful desires. He wrote,

“Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”

A life marked by “fits of anger” indicates that our sinful desires, and not the Holy Spirit, are directing our lives. Through the power of the Spirit, we can have a rein on our emotional responses, moving from cussing people out to praying for our enemies.

Not only does anger pose a threat to us spiritually and in our relationships with others, but the long-term physical effects of uncontrolled anger include health risks, such as increased anxiety, high blood pressure, stroke, and risk of heart disease.

Learn your own triggers.

If you want to deal with anger, apart from recognizing how much damage anger can do, you need to learn your own triggers. We are wired differently, and one result of our life experiences is that we don’t perceive things the same way.

Bad traffic really gets on some people’s nerves; others can’t stand people who lie; yet others go ballistic when people don’t follow the rules. Through journaling, for example, you can trace out what your triggers are and the circumstances in which you’re most vulnerable.

For example, if you know that a poor night’s sleep makes you more prone to being irritable, or that being hungry thins out your patience, you’ll be better prepared to keep your anger in check.

Address the root issues.

Anger is a response to a situation. It’s important to question to what you’re responding, and whether there’s something behind your response to that situation. We get angry because we feel frustrated or powerless, or because we feel like we’re being invalidated or treated unfairly. Your reaction in this particular situation may be about that situation, or it may stem from a past experience that’s coloring how we’re reading the present moment.

Whatever is at the root of why you’re feeling angry, it’s better to nip matters in the bud than wait for your anger to bloom into something unpleasant. If it’s a simple misunderstanding, then take the James passage above to heart and slow down, listen, and clarify things so that there’s mutual understanding.

Take self-care seriously.

Our bodies, minds, and emotions interact in complex and fascinating ways. Good sleep helps you rest your body, but it also helps you relieve stress and gives you capacity for creative thinking. Have you ever tried to solve a problem after a poor night’s sleep, or after a good night’s rest? It’s way easier to think clearly and to engage others with empathy when we are well-rested.

Give yourself an edge in dealing with anger by taking care of yourself through good sleep, a healthy diet, and exercise. This will ensure that you have emotional margin to make emotionally intelligent decisions.

Regular exercise can elevate your mood and reduce stress levels because physical exertion burns up stress chemicals such as cortisol and adrenaline, and it also boosts production of mood-regulating neurotransmitters in the brain that include endorphins and catecholamines.

Learn techniques to deal with anger in the moment.

Being serious about your self-care helps you prior to encountering situations that inspire anger, but you can also help yourself by learning how to deal with anger in the moment. You can do deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) when you feel yourself begin to get angry. These will help you to slow your roll and lean toward listening before reacting in a situation.

Additionally, if you feel like things are getting out of control, take yourself out of the room or situation temporarily until you feel yourself getting calm. By learning your own triggers, that can help you grow in recognizing what you’re feeling and why. As you grow in this and in accepting anger as normal and part of life, you can focus your attention on coming up with different creative strategies for how to address the situation.

Express your anger in healthy ways.

A person’s experiences with anger can shape their thinking around what’s appropriate to do with it. If you’ve been exposed to unhealthy expressions of anger, such as violence or verbal abuse, one possible outcome is a wariness toward expressing anger because it can escalate easily.

When angered, such a person will tend to push down their feelings and act as though all is well. Another possibility is that when anger is expressed in unhealthy ways, it can function as a model for future behavior. A child exposed to such anger can grow up and deal with their own children in similar ways.

Whatever your personal experience of anger, a clear, assertive expression is better than either suppressing what you’re feeling or letting an outburst occur. According to the American Psychological Association, “Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive – not aggressive – manner is the healthiest way to express anger.

To do this, you have to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of yourself and others.”

Get help to learn how to deal with anger.

Why are you angry? There may be several reasons for your anger, including your circumstances, learned patterns of thinking and behaving, or mental health issues that manifest as anger.

For instance, depression can be masked behind anger and being irritable, and anger can be a symptom in conditions such as bipolar disorder. You may be angry because you didn’t get enough sleep or because you’re experiencing chronic stress.

One good reason to talk with a counselor about your anger is that they can help you untangle your anger and get to the roots of it. Not only that, but your counselor can help you understand the impact of your anger on yourself and others.

Anger management counseling can teach you ways of recognizing your anger triggers as well as ways to defuse your anger before it causes damage to yourself or others. Through counseling, you can also get assertiveness training and learn how to problem solve and resolve conflicts creatively.

If anger is damaging your relationships, dominating your life, and robbing you of peace, you should consider finding help through individual counseling for anger. The life of peace that you desire is in reach. Don’t hesitate to make an appointment with a counselor to begin dealing with your anger effectively.