Taking the Next Step: Dating After Divorce

If you have experienced divorce, the thought of dating again can be scary. You may ask yourself, “What if I become emotionally invested, and this person lets me down? What if they cheat (or hit, lie, betray, etc.), and I experience that pain again? Is falling in love worth the risk of being hurt? These are all valid questions. However, dating after divorce does not have to be as tricky as we make it.

Tips for dating after divorce

Remember a few things when you feel emotionally ready to begin dating after divorce.

The first thing to remember is that just because you are going out on a date does not mean you have to marry this person. Let that knowledge take some of the pressure off you. Take this time to get to know the person. Go out on multiple dates, trying new adventures. If things do not work out, then know that you gave that one person a shot, but they are not meant for you.

Above all, be yourself. God will send the right person to you, but sometimes He needs you to wait because He has someone far better for you around the corner.

Avoid the rebound by giving yourself time.

You need time to heal after divorce. You need time to grieve the loss of the past relationship and to analyze where things took a wrong turn. Are you in a place emotionally where you can discuss the marriage without anger or tears? Even if you still feel sad about the end of the relationship, you should be able to discuss it calmly and objectively.

There is no shame if you are not there yet. Many people take a year or more to process the divorce before they are ready to move forward. Take this time to focus less on dating after divorce and more on taking care of yourself and your needs.

Keep your integrity in place.

Trying to make yourself appear a certain way in other people’s eyes by lying to them is manipulation. Avoid lying or skipping around the truth when you date someone. Eventually, the truth will come out, and it will destroy any credibility that you have.

If your marriage ended on a sour note, tell the new person you are dating. Lead with honesty. If something you did ended the marriage, then take responsibility. By the time you are ready to date, you should be in a better place mentally and avoid repeating the same behaviors.

But also, do not try to impress your new date by acting outside of your norm and values. For example, if you do not believe in premarital sex, do not participate with someone new just because you are worried they won’t want to go out with you anymore. They may not be the type of person you want in your life.

Clarify your boundaries.

After analyzing your previous marriage and accepting your role in the divorce, you probably have a good idea of what you will tolerate and not. In addition, you may have a list of red flags and non-negotiable behaviors. At the beginning of a new relationship, make those boundaries clear.

For example, if your previous marriage ended due to a string of extramarital affairs, then clarify to your new partner that you will not tolerate being cheated on. This may sound harsh if you have only been on one or two dates, but you should be getting to know one another. If you want the relationship to move to another level at some point, then you both should be clear on your expectations.

Wait to introduce a new date to the children.

Children have a rough time with divorce, and throwing a new person into the mix too soon will make things more challenging for them to accept. Instead, waitto introduce your children to a new flame. You may want to wait a few months to see how things will work out. By the time six months have passed, you may have a good idea of the type of person you are dating and whether you can trust them.

When introducing your new partner to your children, take it slow. Perhaps invite the new person on a picnic or something fun the kids would enjoy. You do not want your children to become attached to this new person and feel abandoned if things sour between you.

Hold your tongue about your ex.

Nothing is a bigger red flag than listening to someone drone on about their ex-spouse. Beware of the person you are dating if they speak ill of their ex or constantly blame the other person for the end of the relationship. This could signify a few things: they may not acknowledge their part at the end of the relationship, and they are willing to speak negatively about someone they once loved to other people.

You do not want to demonstrate this behavior to a new partner, either. Even if your ex’s actions are responsible for the divorce, there is no need to blame or continually bring that person up while dating. You want a fresh start, so do not allow your ex’s past actions to interfere in your new relationship.

Keep your eyes open for red flags.

If you do not rush into a new relationship too quickly, you can stay objective long enough to see any potential red flags in your prospective partner’s behavior. For example, how do they speak about past relationships? Are they close to their children? How do they treat others in your presence, such as servers or cashiers?

As you date, watch for behaviors or words that might signify trouble. Sometimes these behaviors do not show for several months, as most people tend to be on their best behavior at the beginning of a new relationship.

It is advisable to wait to remarry for one to three years, although some couples may take longer. With your boundaries clearly in your mind, you are more likely to end a relationship before it reaches the marriage stage if you spot red flags.

Keep your mind open for something special.

Although you are on guard for red flags and keeping your boundaries firm, try to keep your mind open to experiencing something special. Sometimes, we place lenses over our eyes that only see the terrible things after divorce.

Unfortunately, the filter on these lenses contains trauma and other negative emotions that color our views. We also tend to gravitate toward a specific “type” of person. For example, a man may be drawn automatically to younger women. Or a woman may only be considering tall men with a “bad boy” vibe.

These types could be a downfall for a particular person. Instead, think about the kind of person you are usually drawn to and then ask yourself about the new person in front of you. For example, if you always dated younger women, what would happen if you dated someone your age or older? If “bad boys” were who you dated in the past, what would happen if you expanded and dated someone more stable?

Often our dating types have some significance to our pasts, and it takes effort to leave our comfort zone and try something new. But that is what dating after divorce is – a chance to interview new people for a future relationship. Keep your mind (and eyes) open for the right people in front of you.

Are you ready?

Dating after divorce should not be intimidating. It is normal to feel nervous, but you are only “interviewing” the person to see whether you like each other, whether you have the same values and beliefs, and if there is an attraction that might be worth pursuing.

But if you recently ended your marriage, you may not be quite ready to hop back into the dating world. Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with a counselor to help you resolve your issues regarding relationships. We would love to work with you.