How to Express Your Emotions for Better Communication in Marriage

“Managing our emotions increases intuition and clarity. It helps us self-regulate our brain chemicals and internal hormones. It gives us natural highs, the real fountain of youth we’ve been searching for. It enables us to drink from elixirs locked within our cells, just waiting for us to discover them.” – Doc Childre

The hit Pixar movie Inside Out brought a new understanding of emotions to people around the world. In the film, the five main emotions recognized by all cultures are explored. Joy, Fear, Sadness, Anger, and Disgust.

For those who haven’t seen it, the film takes us inside the main character’s brain. We see the “control panel” of her emotions as depicted by little critters, one for each emotion. The critters work together to regulate her emotions, express the proper emotion at the right time, and work through the difficult circumstances she faces.

The film also helps to give language to emotion, for adults and children. Most have never seen such a vivid description of emotion before. Regardless of if you’ve seen the film or not, the five emotions shown are familiar to us all. Some of us may find we experience one more than the others, others may feel they go through all five in the span of a few minutes.

This film helps show the importance of emotional vocabulary and identifying emotions. We all experience a wide range of emotions every day but the most common answer to “how are you doing?” is “fine.” Even though “fine” isn’t really an emotion, it makes sense to not be emotionally vulnerable with someone random that we pass on the street or the teller at the bank. We want to share our emotional vulnerability with those we trust and love.

Yet millions of married couples find “fine” is the most common answer given when asking their spouse how they’re doing or how the day went. When did “fine” become the answer we give to those we’ve pledged our lives to? When did it become standard practice for couples to not dive deeper than this? Shouldn’t it be an essential part of communication in marriage to delve into our emotions? To understand what our partner and telling them what we’re feeling is part of what helps two become one.

Perhaps this habit forms slowly in the mundane day in and day out of life. For many, “fine” is the answer because it’s the “same old, same old” – nothing new to report. Then when things are not “fine,” couples struggle with the language to identify what’s going on.

We see this often with couples who come in for marriage counseling. Things were “fine” for so long that when that stops being “fine,” couples don’t have the emotional vocabulary to identify what they’re feeling.

Married couples need to build strong communication in marriage. This will be a lifelong journey for us. We’ll always have ways we can improve our marriage and goals to strive towards. Cultivating a wide understanding of emotions can be a game-changer for many marriages. This can be especially helpful if one spouse is more in tune with emotions. Or if one wants to discuss emotions more, and another is more resistant or less in-tune.

Emotional Vocabulary for Better Communication in Marriage

Today we’re going to explore emotional vocabulary. Inside Out only covered five. Those are the emotions identified by every culture. Surprise, Anticipation, and Trust and also considered universal emotions. This article will focus on emotions most often identified by Americans since that is where most of our readers come from. If you’re outside of the US, you’ll likely resonate with most of these as well.

We hope that by providing this list you can delve deeper into your emotions. This will help you develop emotional vulnerability in your marriage. Emotions are grouped into categories by the core emotions with nuanced/specific emotion underneath them.

Because we don’t usually feel only one thing at a time, you may need to look under multiple categories. Likewise, some emotions have crossover between categories and appear under more than one category. This is not a comprehensive list since there are over 400 emotion words in the English language! Consider printing this list out so you can determine what you’re feeling and share with your spouse instead of just “fine.”

Before we look at the list, think about the word “tired.” Is “tired” a feeling? If you ask 100 counselors, you’ll find they don’t agree on the subject. Some say “tired” is a feeling, while others say it is a state of being, and still others say that it is a result of a feeling. We’ve left “tired” off this list for now.

If you’re tired, consider saying “my body feels tired” or “my mind feels tired.” Identify what is tired and perhaps why. Then see if you can identify one or two emotions as well. Even if you’re identifying emotions about being tired, you’re making progress on expanding your emotional vocabulary.

Marriage counseling helps build better communication in marriage. If you’re struggling with emotional communication or connecting with your spouse, consider working with a counselor. Your counselor can also help you figure out what you feel, what to do with these emotions, and how to process them.

Alternate Words to Express Your Emotions

If you’re not sure what any of these mean, ask a counselor or do a web search. Many folks also find it helpful to look at a photo of someone showing that emotion on their face. Start slow. Instead of defaulting to “fine,” identify the core emotion you’re feeling and one or two of the emotions listed underneath.

Some folks will thrive with this and others may find it difficult. Couples may want to say to their partner “I wonder if you’re feeling _______________.” Or “Your body language makes me think you might be feeling _________, is this true?” Communication in marriage regarding emotions can feel a bit awkward at first but with time it will become second nature.

Anger

• Agitation
• Bitter
• Dislike
• Drained
• Enraged
• Exhilarated
• Infuriated
• Irritation
• Focused
• Frustration
• Fuming
• Grouchy
• Fury
• Hate
• Livid
• Mad
• Peeved
• Rage
• Tense
• Uneasy
• Vengeful

Anticipation

• Anguish
• Anxious
• Apprehensive
• At Ease
• Blissful
• Bored
• Calm
• Concern
• Dread
• Ecstatic
• Elated
• Excitement
• Exhaustion
• Exhilarated
• Focused
• Frightened
• Gratitude
• Hopeful
• Horrified
• Jittery
• Lively
• Motivated
• Nervous

 

• Optimistic
• Panicked
• Playful
• Pleased
• Restless
• Secure
• Stressed
• Tense
• Terrified
• Thoughtful
• Thrilled
• Troubled
• Worry
• Uneasy
• Upbeat

Disgust

• Aversion
• Bored
• Disappointment
• Dislike
• Irritation
• Loathing
• Misery
• Motivated
• Restless
• Repulsion
• Shocked
• Stunned
• Tense
• Uneasy

Fear

• Alarm
• Anxious
• Apprehensive
• Nervous
• Distressed
• Drained
• Doubtful
• Dread
• Exhaustion
• Exhilarated
• Frightened
• Horrified
• Hysteria
• Lonely
• Misery
• Motivated
• Jittery
• Panicked
• Shocked
• Stressed
• Stunned
• Terrified
• Tense
• Troubled
• Worry
• Uneasy

Joy

• At Ease
• Blissful
• Calm
• Carefree
• Cheerful
• Comfortable
• Compassion
• Contentedness
• Delight
• Ecstatic
• Elation
• Energized
• Exhilarated
• Euphoria
• Focused
• Fulfilled
• Gratitude
• Happiness
• Hopeful
• Inspired
• Jubilation
• Lively
• Loving
• Motivated
• Optimistic
• Playful
• Pleasant
• Pleased
• Proud
• Satisfaction
• Secure
• Thrilled
• Touched
• Upbeat

Sadness

• Alienation
• Anguish
• Anxious
• Apathetic
• Blues
• Calm
• Glum
• Despondent
• Disappointment
• Discouraged
• Disheartened
• Down
• Drained
• Embarrassed
• Exhaustion
• Heartbroken
• Homesick
• Humiliated
• Gloomy
• Grieved
• Hopeless
• Hysteria
• Lonely
• Mellow
• Misery
• Morose
• Panicked
• Restless
• Resigned
• Stressed
• Sullen
• Tense
• Uneasy

Surprise

• Alarm
• Anxious
• Cheerful
• Disappointment
• Discouraged
• Disheartened
• Drained
• Ecstatic
• Energized
• Frightened
• Fulfilled
• Gratitude
• Grieved
• Horrified
• Hysteria
• Jittery
• Lively
• Motivated
• Nervous
• Optimistic
• Panicked
• Playful
• Pleased
• Pleasant
• Satisfied
• Shocked
• Stressed
• Stunned
• Tense
• Terrified
• Thrilled
• Touched
• Worry
• Uneasy

Trust

A note on trust. This is often considered an “emotion feeder.” Trust is involved in everything we do as human beings. We’re constantly trying to figure out who we can trust, and we want to be trusted by others.

It is also a set of behaviors and a belief. Trust is complicated. That’s why we haven’t included a list of “trust feelings” here. This is a good realm to explore more in-depth on your own or with a counselor.